Death

What do you think of this?

My life thus far

About 4 or 5 months ago I arrived back in Vancouver and I started to read the book: Power vs Force by David Hawkins. Dramatic shifts in my perceptions, consciousness and overall relationship to life began to shift. The previous months leading up to reading this bookI had become much more self aware and "in my self". I was getting to know myself on a whole new level after having practiced bramacharya vows "in the city" for close to two years. I was getting to a deeper level of power in my relationship to the world and was acting from a powerful place. What I wanted and needed was falling into alignment with almost seemingless effort. I was meeting incredible, like minded souls who were also operating and relating from high levels of existence. And then, I started to read this book by Dr Hawkins and it all started to crumble.

I can only explain it as I was getting in touch with my heart center. A place I had not visited for some time. My heart center was connecting me with my feeling body and thus, more and more connection with the spirit realms started to unravel. My deep, deep connection with healing and the metaphysical world came on with expedited force. Sri Tatata, a Saint from Kerala, India arrived and after 3 days, initiated me into some ancient Vedic rights. This seemed to immediately spiral my life into a deep unraveling of the unworkable and unneeded patterns and situations in my life that needed to end. This is where it all started to become interesting to me.

Things started to become rather difficult to "do". Thinking ahead and planning had become almost unworkable and I stopped being able to multi-task completely. Each thing I did became the only thing in itself that I could handle from moment to moment. It was if my mind was slowing down and I could not ignore it.

In a short period of time I found myself moving to the coast. In fact I was pulled and propelled by a series of extreme events to leave the city. I ended up in a small coastal city outside of Sechelt. I worked on the land in the gardens of a small retreat and healing center called the Self Realization Meditation Healing Center. I went into deep healing mode there where many things were revealed and unearthed in a short amount of time. My periods of silence were in long increments and I became highly functional focusing on one task at a time in a steady day to day routine starting at 6am and ending at approx 7pm. Mediation and steady work seemed conducive to focusing on other aspects of life. Life was good until it was again shaken up after one month's time.

I discovered a community freshly starting not far from where I was based. Ruby Lake, there were many bright lights converging and connecting, some excellent and insanely similarly minded souls. I was in Canada and here were my peeps. Unheard of since I had essentially spent 10 years searching for them all over the globe, primarily in the US. The events that transpired with the people of Ruby Lake caused me to enter a deep heart space where I was able to release and let go to allow for life to unfold what it had in store for me.

So after a series of twists and turns which led me to end up on Salt Spring Island painting a large scale mural in connection with a Tibetan Buddhist Center, I am back again on the mainland.

What drew me here?
On set film work which I got called to be part of and then...let go after 2 days. It was ok because I was not vibing with what once felt quite normal and do-able for me. The film scene was a vibe I had not been around for a couple months and I was changed. It made me question my hopes and dreams of working in the commercial film industry as a director. Did I really want to dedicate the next 10-20 years of my life to work up to this position and then have to pump out this incredible shit into the mainstream. These films which I had worked on a couple of were not only bad but the consciousness in which they were being made was downright inhumane. The film industry is by no means glorious or glamorous. And the content these days in questionable to say the least.

So the common theme is it has taken me great efforts to do very simple things. Getting through the day at this point is the major theme but I've found ways to ground myself such as doing laundry and always having clean clothes. Also eating at least one good meal a day, usually breakfast, ensures that if I'm flying off in the astral planes, at least it's not because I didn't eat.  I am doing my best not to judge my state as unproductive because though it seems like I am not "doing" much, I am doing exactly what I need to and I am hyper aware of this.My saving grace has been painting and art which I have been spending many hours dedicated and deeply
involved in.

Basically, it feels as though I am having a blow out. Not like a blow out sale but more like a spiritual dry cleaning. Yeah.

I am having trouble being clear in communications lately for fear of upsetting or forcing myself upon anyone.  But my sensitivities have become hyper aware and yet at times I am able to deliver truth with surprising precision and strength when needed. My psyche is certainly changing and my ability to go after money or success is close to none at this moment. This has not been good on the old bank account but I know all things will come in good time and at the moment I am being sustained amply. I have more and more been relying on the day to guidance and support that has come from within and through friends and guiding lights. I am allowing healing to take place, right here in my home town and I am loving it.


The process is unravelling as I continue to judge not and allow it to be. The perfectionism and attachment to productivity and results has to be released on a daily level. My ability to care or worry about what others think is prevalent but no longer dominating my life. It has become about the inner guidance, which also come without. I have more and more trust in the divine forces above all else.

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Travel therapy escapism

Being sober is like waking up to another world.
It really is another life living when you are just here and not avoiding it with something else.
When your on drugs, if the philosophy of a dualistic nature is correct, if you swing so far, you always have to swing equally back in the opposite direction.
So if you are "high" on drugs for 5 years, I believe it may take 5 or more years to slowly start to recover and come back to "normal", whatever that is.

Today, I felt high in a sense, just on life. Actually I had a kombucha and I actually got kind of woozy from it and that's what got me thinking about all of this.
I thought, man, I'm really happy and grateful for all the other worlds I explored back in the day but I am so happy to be back in this world. Most of my inspiration, art, ideas come from that other realm, so I guess it was good that I got familiarized with it.

There's a sensitivity to life that comes when you're playing in the other realms and one should not loose that either. It's like when your tuned in to the other realms, be it on drugs or meditation you tend to look and receive life in a different way. Such as if you start having a friend come to mind over and over again, you start to feel "oh maybe there is some reason I should get in touch with this person", so you do and it turns out there's a very good reason or they were thinking about you to. If you are not tuned into the spiritual world you may think, "Oh, I should call such and such, but nah, I'll do it some other time, it's not important." Which we all do but the point is, the sensitivity to life and how it works in magical ways. Don't forget!

There is a tendency to start to think and feel like this is all there is. A de-sensitivity to life in plain words, just taking everything for granted. Come home from work, eat, watch tv, do some social activity, go home, go to bed. Get up, rinse, repeat. This is what I hated as a kid, I couldn't understand it for the life of me why anyone would possibly want to do this?
Hence, the Drugs.

But there is a sweetness that comes to normal, everyday life. Like walking to the store on a sunny day to buy your mom a Mother's day card. You just live and things just balance out.
Your worst days become less and less worse.
Unfortunately the other side of the coin is I haven't half developed my actual earth life as much as say someone who has focused 30+ years just on the material plane. I've focused maybe 15 good years and most of those were before I was 15!  Spiritual, yes, yes, yes and half on the material.

Now that I'm turning 30 in a couple months, oh boy, I feel that a big shift is about to change things around for me. I am getting to the point where I am settling in. In to myself, in to life, in to this "game" for the long run.
I tried to beat it, escape, curse it, understand it, avoid it, stomp on it and run from it. But you know that saying "if you can't beat em, join em", well: Here I am! Here I am in Vancouver working, renting a place, grocery shopping, paying bills, having a cel phone, all these seemingly normal things that never seemed normal before. For an escapist (be it drugs or whatever) everything is a lot harder to do than it may seem. And also, they feel very proud of themselves when they can do any normal little thing. The thing is, society praises people for the wrong reasons. It's not about what you can accomplish, it's about everyone being true to yourself and "your" own personal best. There is no way to compare! And we should be proud of ourselves for every accomplishment we do, each and every day. And acknowledge others too. Even one good day, really, it means so much.

What makes you the happiest? Are you doing it? ..... And why not?

I'm doing things differently than before though. I went for a walk to the market today and I just enjoyed "being" there. I didn't need to buy anything or be with anyone. I'm not in the city anymore working to make material gains or to get in debt, or to look good. I am just saving, doing my thing, keeping a low pro and keeping my inner spiritual center as my focus and circumference in everything I do.

Real Media Wake Up Call

I like to think a lot. About life, about things, it's my nature.
Lately, I have had a lot of time to myself. In work, in play, in recreation.

Paramhansa Yogananda says, if you can have a little space that is yours where you can close the door, that is all you need. I am enjoying this truth lately. Having my own space, it has been many years since I have had a room to call my own, quite some years actually.

Seclusion is really the price of greatness as many great Masters have pointed out. Intense... but greatness, knowledge, wisdom, clarity, it all seems to be flowing from this alone-ness, this time of just being with myself. I have started to become more clear in my thinking about life, with seeing things, as they are.
The challenge is that to see so much and then, not to judge it. Or not react to it.


I can honestly say that living in a group with like minded people, is powerful, beneficial and much needed. I have been living on my own for several months now and tangibly feel the influence of the city's mentality and consciousness, weight and heaviness much much more since moving out of the group living ashram in LA.
It is powerful to have around like minded, positive people who support you. It actually creates a protection, a vortex. And with any vortex of energy, it stirs the pot. So whatever you got goin on in that crazy head of yours, it's gonna come out. And it ain't always pretty. Haha.

So what leads me to talk about all of this on this Tuesday evening?
Recently, I went to a 3 hr group meditation and I think I was only there for the last half. Bu it was like walking into an anti gravity chamber. The silence was so tangible you could feel it. The peace, permeated every particle of my being. The thoughts were quiet, un-present, the chatter and confusion all gone. Totally.

Have you ever had thoughts through out your day that you were doing the wrong thing, going the wrong way, not doing what you should be doing or not doing enough. Do you ever feel guilt, or shame or like you are not good enough in some way or not there yet? And do you think these thoughts are real?

So what happened after I came out of the meditation? I started to hear all those thoughts. BUT this time, I saw them!! I saw those thoughts running through my mind like a tape recording. All those negative thoughts, they were there but my mind was so restless that I didn't even know it until now. My mind had become so still from that 1.5hr meditation that I saw them. So what did I do about it? I said "fuck it, I'm gonna go get some frozen yogurt and let those thoughts roll all day long if they want to". I'm not gonna believe them, or act on them, I'm just gonna see them for what they are. And they just disappeared.
Actually sometimes, I just say out loud or in my head, "Shut up, I don't believe that". Or you can try "Go to hell, because that's where you came from"! Hahaha.

So here's my theory and correct me if I'm wrong but it's my blog so I'm just gonna go for it:

The city is actually broadcasting these thoughts. Everywhere. In the ether, in the food, in the cell phone towers, off the chem trails spraying over the city, in the mass media, the television, the ads, the job, the pay check, the mortgage, the cell phone bill, the debt, the car, the clothes, the house, the whole whack of it. It's all being projected to us and at the end of the day, How are we supposed to feel???

For those of you who don't meditate yet... I don't know how you do it!  The only way, the only absolute way I know how to stop all of this, is to be quiet. The allow the mind to rest. To allow the soul to shine through and re-connect with what we truly are.

So here's my thought: How do we get out of this? Do we move to a farm and start growing our own food? Yes. Do we get together with other people and groups and collaborate on standing up for our rights as souls, as free human beings? Yes. Do we stop buying into and believing this absolute crap they are trying to feed us? Yes. We do and we do it now and we allow ourselves to shine because that is the way to be victorious. To be our true selves.

So all of this has brought me back into me and now it's time to meditate. I look forward to hearing from you soon:)

I Love You

The longest journey is from your head to your heart dammit

Here’s the thing. I am attempting to do something not too many people do these days. And no wonder it’s painful at times. I am attempting to find happiness inside myself. Not from exterior people, places or things. Sometimes in such an extreme way that’s it painful. But I feel like, “how can I ever be happy if I can’t just make myself happy”. I don’t smoke pot, I don’t watch TV, I don’t really go out and party or anything like that, heck, sometime I don’t even hang out with friends. I just kind of like to do lonely, inward things like walk, or paint, or read or write. But of course, I love my friends and as the weather gets nicer I plan to get out more, naturally.

My point is is that sometimes I wonder why it’s such a hard time I am having. Well, I am not distracting myself. I am not in a constant state of mental agitation or busyness so I can see, hear, feel tangibly what is really going on inside of me. That’s why people generally don’t want to be alone I think, because we have to be with ourselves face what is going on in there. But I want to be at peace with myself, so when I do things, outwardly when I have distractions, or work, or no time to myself, I want to be at peace inside. I don’t want to do things to outwardly distract me from my feelings, I don’t want to buy things to make myself feel worthy and I don’t want to be with someone, to make me happy. I want to have all these already. I want to be full already. I don’t want to fill myself up with anything.
Then, once I am full, all these things will come and they will just be added bonuses to my already happy life. Money will just be a tool to navigate with, not to complete me or change how I feel. Money will make you happy is a lie. Money doesn’t do anything. You have to first change your inward state to feel good about yourself, about life, about your deservingness and value and then money comes easier. This isn’t something I'm making up, I have experienced this. 

Anyhow. I’m finally realizing why this journey has been a difficult one. It’s because I’m doing the hardest thing there is to do in this life, I am on the journey to remember myself. I want to know who I am and I want to be at peace. Happiness is my main goal, and now that I know this, I don’t have to be so hard on myself dammit. I am a warrior on the biggest mission there is to embark on and this is not a short term goal. But I was sort of taking it that way. Why aren’t I enlightened yet Dammit! Oh well, live and learn right. But it’s nice to share with you. Ok, off to “work” now.

J

Nothing important

I have nothing important to say. I am not as an important person as I used to think. There is something very humbling about life. Everything comes around. Self confidence at some point will have to be humbled, and the humbled one will gain strength from the times he got to know him self.

I have nothing important to say tonight except what is so important about being important. Is a life lived slowly, humbly and happily not truly a successful one. Have you ever lived in the fast lane? I have. You move fast, make money fast, think quickly and sharply. And you move so fast, when your done, there is no one left around. Seriously, I have left countless people behind because I wanted to grow fast, move fast, make money faster, or reach enlightenment.

I was told there is a natural timing to things and they just happen, without us forcing anything. (I watched the Lion King this week because I was sick in bed) We will naturally evolve, we will naturally find God in ourselves. This all will happen without the forcing. So.... I do have some things to say. But none of them are important.

Hakuna Matata - no worries - Lion King