The longest journey is from your head to your heart dammit

Here’s the thing. I am attempting to do something not too many people do these days. And no wonder it’s painful at times. I am attempting to find happiness inside myself. Not from exterior people, places or things. Sometimes in such an extreme way that’s it painful. But I feel like, “how can I ever be happy if I can’t just make myself happy”. I don’t smoke pot, I don’t watch TV, I don’t really go out and party or anything like that, heck, sometime I don’t even hang out with friends. I just kind of like to do lonely, inward things like walk, or paint, or read or write. But of course, I love my friends and as the weather gets nicer I plan to get out more, naturally.

My point is is that sometimes I wonder why it’s such a hard time I am having. Well, I am not distracting myself. I am not in a constant state of mental agitation or busyness so I can see, hear, feel tangibly what is really going on inside of me. That’s why people generally don’t want to be alone I think, because we have to be with ourselves face what is going on in there. But I want to be at peace with myself, so when I do things, outwardly when I have distractions, or work, or no time to myself, I want to be at peace inside. I don’t want to do things to outwardly distract me from my feelings, I don’t want to buy things to make myself feel worthy and I don’t want to be with someone, to make me happy. I want to have all these already. I want to be full already. I don’t want to fill myself up with anything.
Then, once I am full, all these things will come and they will just be added bonuses to my already happy life. Money will just be a tool to navigate with, not to complete me or change how I feel. Money will make you happy is a lie. Money doesn’t do anything. You have to first change your inward state to feel good about yourself, about life, about your deservingness and value and then money comes easier. This isn’t something I'm making up, I have experienced this. 

Anyhow. I’m finally realizing why this journey has been a difficult one. It’s because I’m doing the hardest thing there is to do in this life, I am on the journey to remember myself. I want to know who I am and I want to be at peace. Happiness is my main goal, and now that I know this, I don’t have to be so hard on myself dammit. I am a warrior on the biggest mission there is to embark on and this is not a short term goal. But I was sort of taking it that way. Why aren’t I enlightened yet Dammit! Oh well, live and learn right. But it’s nice to share with you. Ok, off to “work” now.

J