Travel therapy escapism

Being sober is like waking up to another world.
It really is another life living when you are just here and not avoiding it with something else.
When your on drugs, if the philosophy of a dualistic nature is correct, if you swing so far, you always have to swing equally back in the opposite direction.
So if you are "high" on drugs for 5 years, I believe it may take 5 or more years to slowly start to recover and come back to "normal", whatever that is.

Today, I felt high in a sense, just on life. Actually I had a kombucha and I actually got kind of woozy from it and that's what got me thinking about all of this.
I thought, man, I'm really happy and grateful for all the other worlds I explored back in the day but I am so happy to be back in this world. Most of my inspiration, art, ideas come from that other realm, so I guess it was good that I got familiarized with it.

There's a sensitivity to life that comes when you're playing in the other realms and one should not loose that either. It's like when your tuned in to the other realms, be it on drugs or meditation you tend to look and receive life in a different way. Such as if you start having a friend come to mind over and over again, you start to feel "oh maybe there is some reason I should get in touch with this person", so you do and it turns out there's a very good reason or they were thinking about you to. If you are not tuned into the spiritual world you may think, "Oh, I should call such and such, but nah, I'll do it some other time, it's not important." Which we all do but the point is, the sensitivity to life and how it works in magical ways. Don't forget!

There is a tendency to start to think and feel like this is all there is. A de-sensitivity to life in plain words, just taking everything for granted. Come home from work, eat, watch tv, do some social activity, go home, go to bed. Get up, rinse, repeat. This is what I hated as a kid, I couldn't understand it for the life of me why anyone would possibly want to do this?
Hence, the Drugs.

But there is a sweetness that comes to normal, everyday life. Like walking to the store on a sunny day to buy your mom a Mother's day card. You just live and things just balance out.
Your worst days become less and less worse.
Unfortunately the other side of the coin is I haven't half developed my actual earth life as much as say someone who has focused 30+ years just on the material plane. I've focused maybe 15 good years and most of those were before I was 15!  Spiritual, yes, yes, yes and half on the material.

Now that I'm turning 30 in a couple months, oh boy, I feel that a big shift is about to change things around for me. I am getting to the point where I am settling in. In to myself, in to life, in to this "game" for the long run.
I tried to beat it, escape, curse it, understand it, avoid it, stomp on it and run from it. But you know that saying "if you can't beat em, join em", well: Here I am! Here I am in Vancouver working, renting a place, grocery shopping, paying bills, having a cel phone, all these seemingly normal things that never seemed normal before. For an escapist (be it drugs or whatever) everything is a lot harder to do than it may seem. And also, they feel very proud of themselves when they can do any normal little thing. The thing is, society praises people for the wrong reasons. It's not about what you can accomplish, it's about everyone being true to yourself and "your" own personal best. There is no way to compare! And we should be proud of ourselves for every accomplishment we do, each and every day. And acknowledge others too. Even one good day, really, it means so much.

What makes you the happiest? Are you doing it? ..... And why not?

I'm doing things differently than before though. I went for a walk to the market today and I just enjoyed "being" there. I didn't need to buy anything or be with anyone. I'm not in the city anymore working to make material gains or to get in debt, or to look good. I am just saving, doing my thing, keeping a low pro and keeping my inner spiritual center as my focus and circumference in everything I do.

Real Media Wake Up Call

I like to think a lot. About life, about things, it's my nature.
Lately, I have had a lot of time to myself. In work, in play, in recreation.

Paramhansa Yogananda says, if you can have a little space that is yours where you can close the door, that is all you need. I am enjoying this truth lately. Having my own space, it has been many years since I have had a room to call my own, quite some years actually.

Seclusion is really the price of greatness as many great Masters have pointed out. Intense... but greatness, knowledge, wisdom, clarity, it all seems to be flowing from this alone-ness, this time of just being with myself. I have started to become more clear in my thinking about life, with seeing things, as they are.
The challenge is that to see so much and then, not to judge it. Or not react to it.


I can honestly say that living in a group with like minded people, is powerful, beneficial and much needed. I have been living on my own for several months now and tangibly feel the influence of the city's mentality and consciousness, weight and heaviness much much more since moving out of the group living ashram in LA.
It is powerful to have around like minded, positive people who support you. It actually creates a protection, a vortex. And with any vortex of energy, it stirs the pot. So whatever you got goin on in that crazy head of yours, it's gonna come out. And it ain't always pretty. Haha.

So what leads me to talk about all of this on this Tuesday evening?
Recently, I went to a 3 hr group meditation and I think I was only there for the last half. Bu it was like walking into an anti gravity chamber. The silence was so tangible you could feel it. The peace, permeated every particle of my being. The thoughts were quiet, un-present, the chatter and confusion all gone. Totally.

Have you ever had thoughts through out your day that you were doing the wrong thing, going the wrong way, not doing what you should be doing or not doing enough. Do you ever feel guilt, or shame or like you are not good enough in some way or not there yet? And do you think these thoughts are real?

So what happened after I came out of the meditation? I started to hear all those thoughts. BUT this time, I saw them!! I saw those thoughts running through my mind like a tape recording. All those negative thoughts, they were there but my mind was so restless that I didn't even know it until now. My mind had become so still from that 1.5hr meditation that I saw them. So what did I do about it? I said "fuck it, I'm gonna go get some frozen yogurt and let those thoughts roll all day long if they want to". I'm not gonna believe them, or act on them, I'm just gonna see them for what they are. And they just disappeared.
Actually sometimes, I just say out loud or in my head, "Shut up, I don't believe that". Or you can try "Go to hell, because that's where you came from"! Hahaha.

So here's my theory and correct me if I'm wrong but it's my blog so I'm just gonna go for it:

The city is actually broadcasting these thoughts. Everywhere. In the ether, in the food, in the cell phone towers, off the chem trails spraying over the city, in the mass media, the television, the ads, the job, the pay check, the mortgage, the cell phone bill, the debt, the car, the clothes, the house, the whole whack of it. It's all being projected to us and at the end of the day, How are we supposed to feel???

For those of you who don't meditate yet... I don't know how you do it!  The only way, the only absolute way I know how to stop all of this, is to be quiet. The allow the mind to rest. To allow the soul to shine through and re-connect with what we truly are.

So here's my thought: How do we get out of this? Do we move to a farm and start growing our own food? Yes. Do we get together with other people and groups and collaborate on standing up for our rights as souls, as free human beings? Yes. Do we stop buying into and believing this absolute crap they are trying to feed us? Yes. We do and we do it now and we allow ourselves to shine because that is the way to be victorious. To be our true selves.

So all of this has brought me back into me and now it's time to meditate. I look forward to hearing from you soon:)

I Love You

The longest journey is from your head to your heart dammit

Here’s the thing. I am attempting to do something not too many people do these days. And no wonder it’s painful at times. I am attempting to find happiness inside myself. Not from exterior people, places or things. Sometimes in such an extreme way that’s it painful. But I feel like, “how can I ever be happy if I can’t just make myself happy”. I don’t smoke pot, I don’t watch TV, I don’t really go out and party or anything like that, heck, sometime I don’t even hang out with friends. I just kind of like to do lonely, inward things like walk, or paint, or read or write. But of course, I love my friends and as the weather gets nicer I plan to get out more, naturally.

My point is is that sometimes I wonder why it’s such a hard time I am having. Well, I am not distracting myself. I am not in a constant state of mental agitation or busyness so I can see, hear, feel tangibly what is really going on inside of me. That’s why people generally don’t want to be alone I think, because we have to be with ourselves face what is going on in there. But I want to be at peace with myself, so when I do things, outwardly when I have distractions, or work, or no time to myself, I want to be at peace inside. I don’t want to do things to outwardly distract me from my feelings, I don’t want to buy things to make myself feel worthy and I don’t want to be with someone, to make me happy. I want to have all these already. I want to be full already. I don’t want to fill myself up with anything.
Then, once I am full, all these things will come and they will just be added bonuses to my already happy life. Money will just be a tool to navigate with, not to complete me or change how I feel. Money will make you happy is a lie. Money doesn’t do anything. You have to first change your inward state to feel good about yourself, about life, about your deservingness and value and then money comes easier. This isn’t something I'm making up, I have experienced this. 

Anyhow. I’m finally realizing why this journey has been a difficult one. It’s because I’m doing the hardest thing there is to do in this life, I am on the journey to remember myself. I want to know who I am and I want to be at peace. Happiness is my main goal, and now that I know this, I don’t have to be so hard on myself dammit. I am a warrior on the biggest mission there is to embark on and this is not a short term goal. But I was sort of taking it that way. Why aren’t I enlightened yet Dammit! Oh well, live and learn right. But it’s nice to share with you. Ok, off to “work” now.

J

Nothing important

I have nothing important to say. I am not as an important person as I used to think. There is something very humbling about life. Everything comes around. Self confidence at some point will have to be humbled, and the humbled one will gain strength from the times he got to know him self.

I have nothing important to say tonight except what is so important about being important. Is a life lived slowly, humbly and happily not truly a successful one. Have you ever lived in the fast lane? I have. You move fast, make money fast, think quickly and sharply. And you move so fast, when your done, there is no one left around. Seriously, I have left countless people behind because I wanted to grow fast, move fast, make money faster, or reach enlightenment.

I was told there is a natural timing to things and they just happen, without us forcing anything. (I watched the Lion King this week because I was sick in bed) We will naturally evolve, we will naturally find God in ourselves. This all will happen without the forcing. So.... I do have some things to say. But none of them are important.

Hakuna Matata - no worries - Lion King

Karmic connections

When I was younger I used to be addicted to drugs. Now meditation is my medication.

I want to write about unconsciousness. When we get hurt or are in pain and that pain accumulates over years and years or if we have had some traumatic life event, it is very easy to slip into unconsciousness. Facing emotions, feelings and meeting life head on takes a lot of courage.
It can be challenging and it sometimes takes years to sort through and heal these events.
But we can always forgive and always heal.

When I was young, I experienced a lot of karmic burden and was faced with intense situations very early on in life. It demanded of me a great level of maturity to handle what I was experiencing. It was very easy to slip into unconsciousness and even easier to choose my escape in the form of drugs and alcohol. Even weed, though a harmless herb, is subtly a form of escape. Living and growing up in Vancouver, marijuana is accepted as recreational and social and rarely even referred to as a drug. And for some, it may not be. But for me, it was. It was another way to make life more exciting and sometimes just bearable. It solicited creativity and expansion for some time and I do admit that much of my spirituality was sparked by it. But all of this brings me to a greater depth of exploration. IF I had not found drugs, would my spirituality naturally have come out anyways. These thoughts of responsibility have been coming to mind for me. These events that happen to us, is it because of past life events and decisions that we come into this life and experience certain eperiences. Such as, someone who is really angry, is it really the events that are happening around them that are making them angry, or are they just angry. OR when I was hurt from a very young age, did I come into this world hurt, or did the events cause the hurt?

I was in Save on Foods today and there was this really fowl lady standing behind me in line. Fowl because I could just feel the negative energy pervading her aura. Do you ever just feel that around someone and you want to move aside because you get a bad vibe being in their presence. Well anyways. I could feel this negative energy and it was so bad it almost started to make me mad. I realized I was taking on her energy, I was allowing it to affect me. But it was my choice in that moment how I felt. Ya, maybe she was eyeing me down because I'm young and beautiful and she is old and bitter but so what, why should I get myself upset over her googly stink eye. So I just pulled myself back into myself and felt good, because that is my natural state. I'm kind of being fasicious right now and I know we all have our bad days. But the point I am trying to make is about taking responsibility for all that happens to us. Taking the power back and not allowing circumstance to dictate us.

The other point is that a lot of people on this great Earth are walking around unconscious. For whatever reason, from hurt or lack of knowledge they walk around unconscious and literally, they are living in the darkness. It is sad but true. When you are in the dark, you hurt people, yourself and others. They can't help it, they are in the darkness. But like Gandhiji said, "hate the sin, not the sinner". We still have to keep ourselves protected from these people, but we can still love them, but maybe sometimes from a distance. There is one particular person in my life that has hurt me over and over again. It was someone particularly close to me and at some point, I just had to cut her off. That was enough. I love her to death, but her unconscious behavior is just rampant and until she clears that shit up, I want no part in it. I pray for her everyday but I can't allow myself to continue the vicious cycle. We can't help everyone but we can pray for them.

So anyhow, this was great to share. I would love to hear more feedback from the people. So wassup?:)

My night of Academy Awards

I'm sitting in Starbucks this evening while hundreds of thousands of people around the world tune into the Academy Awards, all watching as a few select people accept nominations for best actor/actress etc. In Starbucks, while this goes on somewhere in Hollywood, across from me is a drunk man, a Native American. He is loudly talking about how he has had his land stolen from him from the government and his girlfriend is in jail. He is full of dysfunction and is talking to himself. This is when I realize that there really is something wrong with this world.  The set design alone at the Oscars cost millions and millions of dollars. This is the dysfunction of our society.

Evil is real, we do have to protect ourselves and stay strong, stay centered, stay alert and be aware of what is going on so we don't get duped. Protect our energy.

Down with those who doubt

What is a girl like me, 29-years-old and alone, doing blogging on a Friday night?
This is my life.There is not much to say to describe the kind of lifestyle I am currently living.

I was talking to my friend Steve tonight and he asked me what kind of work I am thinking of doing now that I am back in Vancouver. I thought about it for a moment and replied honestly, "whatever God wants me to do". This was an honest answer as I knew Steve would understand. We both grew up in a similar way and after knowing one another for the past 18 years I knew my honesty wouldn't phase him.

We came from a similar upbringing. Middle class suburbia except we were both a little on the lower class side as far as an assessment of our families financial bracket. Both of our parents wanted us to have a decent life, so although they struggled, we lived in a decent area. There was a lot of drama growing up all around and Steve and I both being the oldest children in our families, we found similar ways to cope. These days kids have all kinds of coping mechanisms but for us there was only one or two choices: death or drugs. Both seemed appealing but at the tough age of 14-15 drugs were readily available so we opted for that and for 5 bucks, you could easily get a joint which would wash away many sorrows for one evening. Steve and I both seemed to have the brunt of things as far as the family problems were concerned and when your parents are going through all kinds of marital problems, it seems that the oldest children can become somewhat of a therapist rather than a child. Anyhow, I am surprised I got through it all and came out sane (somewhat). Steve reminded me of how everytime he would see me I would be high on some kind of hallucinogenic. He didn't like them as much as me because he said, he liked to be in control of his drugs. That was precisely why I chose hallucinogens, because I went to another world entirely. I was also kind of a hippie in my own way, closing the door and listening to my Led Zepplin and Pink Floyd records for hours while staring at the ceiling and imaging (or seeing) myself floating through space. Steve on the other hand went down a darker door and got into the hard drugs which generally become more addictive. 15 years later, he is finally weaning himself off. I got lucky and quit drugs and alcohol around the age of 23 or 24.

But the thing that Steve and I both have in common is that we both came out believing in God.
For Steve, it took the loss of his wife and for me it took the loss of everything stable in my life (including loved ones, home, partnership etc.). Thank you Saturn. I say this because both Steve and I are close to the age of 30 and Saturn's return is a powerful time when the old gets washed out for the new.

The thing that really strikes me about Steve is though he has very little, he always trusts and never worries that God will provide. He doesn't have a college degree, or lots of money, or a car, or a full time job or very many "social skills" but he just trusts that God provides. And he does.

Today Steve asked me what I was planning to do next. And I told him. I told him because I knew he wouldn't call me crazy or judge me. Instead he plainly asked me, "how can I help". This was something that was very comforting to hear because so much when leading a God centered life, there is room for judgement from someone looking in. Things don't always seem "practical" to say the least.
"What do you mean your planning to go to India and to work for a school that is not for profit". A lot of God's ideas sometimes really seem out of the blue but never have I found them to stray me wrong. The other day I got a flash of insight so clear for an action I should take. That makes no sense whatsoever I told myself. I'm not going to do that, I just can't. Plus, I wanted to wait it out and see if anything would happen if I didn't follow it. I wanted to test my intuition. It was spot on. Approx 10 minutes after the intuition came, a phone call came in leaving me wishing I had taken that action immediately. Oh well. Instead of being hard on myself, I take it to mean that I was learning how to hear my intuition and cut past the bs of my mind. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference right?

So why am I at home on a Friday night instead of out with my brother at the party downtown? Because I am partied out. I partied for years and it left me in a place where I am more than content to read a spiritual book on a Friday night and stay in. I have put in my time on the playing field and now I am content to settle in more so of just enjoying what my soul enjoys. Simple pleasures. It doesn't mean I don't have fun. I do. I just have fun in a new way that is more true to who I am. I don't give a shit anymore what looks cool to others, if it feels right inside, that's what I choose to follow now. And slowly by slowly, I am coping with life in new and braver ways. It's a lot of fun to accept and deal with life than to try and hide from it. Actually it's amazing. Because no matter what comes I know I can handle and all this was possible because I went to hell and back and now I am standing.

So if you doubt, or are going through hell I tell you this. You will come out. I did, anyone can. And I am a lot happier for it. Because all of it made me who I am.

Om Peace Amen