My karma

The words to describe my karma are: really fast, intense and quick.
It seems I am an extremist of sorts and it also seems to play out with my karma.

I live in an ashram. I own nothing. I live in the city. I own a store.
I have nothing. I have everything.
I lay on the beach in the Philippines and do sadhana for 6 hours a day. I'm in the US working 7 days a week.
I live in the countryside of Oregon as a nun. I'm living in LA wheeling and dealing. Haha
I'm not sure but I have always sort of lived life intensely. I think I get bored easily.

It's interesting karma that Master has brought me to LA, to southern California. But I do feel that my vibration attracted me here. Somehow I have denied for years wanting to live here. Not feeling like I was ready or if it was for me. Master tricked me into coming here. For how long, who knows?  It's only been over a week that I have arrived here and I'm already getting anxiety that I haven't started a company yet. That's what I do. I start companies. I have already had 2 formally incorporated companies and 2 informal companies of my own and I am not even 30. It's really what I love to do besides meditating. It's also the only way I know how to make money. I've never really been able to figure out the art of having "a job". But maybe it's all for the good. Business for me and the art of "making it" really attracts me. It gives me something to direct my focus and energy too. That's why I love to make movie. It's directing and focusing energy to achieve a certain goal and tangible outcome.Besides the pursuit of God, Yogananda said the art of making money dharmically is the next most worthwhile goal.

I have always felt compelled to make a success of this life with some noble activity or business that can help mankind achieve greater connection with God and himself. I think those "men" that I want to help on a global level are children. I love children but I don't have any of my own. I'm not sure if I ever will?
I particularly love being around kids because they are real.
They are beyond pretense, close mindedness and stubbornness that you see so commonly with adults.

Anyhow I am feeling good about the possibility of dreaming and seeing a future full of goodness. It seems that after 29 years of struggle and agony, my dharma is finally becoming clear. Thank the lord. I think this is in a large part why I have not felt fully happy. I need to be fulfilling my dharma. Which is the reason why God sent me here. He has a very specific purpose for me and for us. And when we find that, we feel fulfilled, content, happy.  Even if there is not a lot of money in it, wealth in and of itself  means nothing even Yogananda said it. But that will come too, I know it will when I am in line with what I love to do and I'm focused on giving much more than taking.
Ananda has been a great disciplined path for me to learn about giving and offering myself, It's been intense and can get out of hand sometimes, but all in all, better to go all the way one way, and then at least you can swing back to the middle again. You see, again with the extremes!  Ok, soo tired now, goodnight.
Ommmmmmmm

Tues, April 23rd (3rd day after Swamiji’s passing)

Something big happened last night as I was sitting front seat at the front of the temple for Swamiji’s commemoration ceremony.  As I watched the flower procession carry on, I felt completely raw and exposed. I felt disgusted at what I saw. Human beings, attachment to one another, to love, to marriage, old age, diseased old saggy bodies, decomposing as we speak. I could barely stand to look. I am disgusted by the ego right now. By my own and by others. I feel like I absolutely want to serve and give everything to Swamiji but I am so conflicted because I don’t know how much to give, what to do at what time.  Can I give 24/7? I want to but I am absolutely exhausted mentally but more so physically. DO I sleep in and rest the body for a day? But then I miss a day of being and feeling in tune. Am I feeling in tune right now? Well, no. Because I feel sad. I feel sad and distraught over loosing Swamiji. I haven’t been honoring people. I haven’t been cherishing them or making them feel important. I haven’t felt loved or important. I know people look up to me. It would help to be kind. It’s hard sometimes. I get too comfortable.

FInding Happiness

Did anyone else weep when they watched the movie "Finding Happiness"? The movie about Ananda village and Swami Kriyananda's deep attunment to Yogananda's vision for creating world brotherhood communities.I have seen it twice now and it's a good thing I was alone the second time because I wept like a baby.
Since Swamiji's passing in April there has been a nearness, a closeness and a love that I didn't feel the same way as I do now. It has been tough in many regards since Swamiji left because it has forced me to look honestly and truthfully at my life and actions. Who Swami Kriyananda was only came clear to me after his passing as I have heard happens to many of us after a loved one departs. Why do we wait to explore the potential or to appreciate and be open to the love and gift each one of us is. My biggest regret is not following him more fully when I had the chance.  And not living more fully in joy. For the sadness and denial of joy causes the happy experiences to be negated and blocked out There is always the NOW and as soon as I stop crying over my lost Swami, I can begin to help again.

Ha

I'm laughing to myself as I'm making dinner. How did I end up staying in a house with a bunch of guys?
A second later I realize what it is. All my girlfriends, all they want to do is talk about guys. I don't want to talk about guys. At least I know what I'm doing as far as my own vows so being around guys doesn't bother me. Within reason. But I think being around other nuns would best. But where are all the bramacharinis?

And clear....

A short essay by Clarity West

I am always so astounded at the things that happen to us in life.
We never can prepare for what’s going to happen next. Is it like that for you?

I never could have imagined there would be a period in my life where it would be hard to get things done. To accomplish things, I mean on every level, physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally. In the past, things generally have been so easy for me to manifest and create. I always felt it was easy, I mean I took it for granted that I could always achieve what I wanted. Maybe there was even an inward certainty or confidence around it. Acheiving, producing, creating, it was what I got my worth from. But lately, I have felt so tired. It's taken effort to go out there everyday and continue to put out energy despite this resistance. It's been some months now that I've dealt with this force. Welcome to Saturn’s return I'm told, mix that up with bramacharya vows. I mean maybe the tests and tasks are just getting bigger and now. I’m dealing with different levels maybe more subtle than say just the material plane. I want to say how much my life is mixed with such clarity, such joy and also so much pain and sorrow. I was advised today that many things that I’m experiencing are not personal, many people have been experiencing challenging times this past months and I'm told astrologically we are moving out of this difficult period now. I mean they are not personal attacks by the universe. It could take it as an opportunity to feel and experience another aspect of life, to expand my compassion to be able to experience another reality. I needed to know what it feels like to not have full energy to do things all of the time. It's humbling, especially to have to reach out and ask for help or to admit I can't do it all on my own. One day someone may ask for help and I will be able to say I understand because I will know how it feels.

Over this past year since I took my vows, I feel an increasing strength inside. It has been a powerful time for me but the tests have been excruciating at times. Last night I was screaming at God, really quite emotionally, I was upset about something and I demanded answers. The next morning at 6am I was digging through my backpack and there it was, the answer was right there. I thanked God and felt like a bit of an ass. But it’s a little like talking to your partner, you are that close and you love them that much that sometimes you can get  a little angry with them. There is a grace though when I make even slightest effort, even just to remember I’m not alone. I forget a lot. Renunciation brings the same grace and gift that comes with fasting.  It’s a conserving and transmuting energy for something greater, it's a test, it's a blessing, it's colorful, it's full, it's an emptying out, it's emotional, it's impersonal, it's lonely, it's a long ass journey, it's the only way, it's for life, it's magical and mystical, it's personal and it's mine. And no matter how awkward it may get sometimes, I know that I can go anywhere in the world and it will be ok. In fact, it has proven time and time again that home is where the heart is because I know God is with me.

I had a very interesting experience this past weekend when I went out to work in “the world” after being around Ananda for well over a year and a half. I went to work in a world that has no concept of renunciation, “vows” or living for God. I was dressed in yellow, being a bramacharini and it was funny because one fellow (my boss’s boss) commented that I must really like the color yellow because I was always wearing it. Actually I do but I wouldn’t necessarily care to wear it every day. And I do have an issue with having to wear yellow everyday but I have bigger fish to fry and if that is the worst part of things then I'm doing alright. After the first day at work on "the outside" I honestly felt that I would not be able to do this type of work because it was “out there” in the world. I felt that it was hopeless for me to be a part of a society where people just would not respect or understand my boundaries. Not only that but I watched as my energies got so tested as my senses naturally, went out. I felt hopeless at the idea that I would have to sequester myself away from the world just to feel normal. I just can’t do it! My mind screamed as I sat ackwardly at dinner with my boss and our colleagues. When I got home, I did a few kriyas and I went to bed.

The next morning, 5am I woke up and gave my head a shake. What have I been doing with my own energy, where have I been placing my attention and focus? Outside, that's where. On everyone and everything else but inside and that's why I feel this way. No one can take me out of myself but me. My boundaries are my boundaries and if I am firm in them, no one can shake me. This is where the teachings actually come in to practice. I must be able to be around anyone, male or female and stay inside myself, centered. As a side note, I must mention that I was working around a group of 60+ highly professionally trained intellectual people, mostly men, aged 30-50's. Basically a bunch of really cool geeks. This was after having been around the Ananda crowds for well over a year. It was placed in a very different situation to say the least.
The funny thing was, by day two, there was nothing.I was just me, neither male or female. I was just a child of God, serving to the best of my ability. I did my best to be friendly, but not overly and it was fine.
Can this work long term day and in and day? I don’t know.
But it is all happening inside, this whole world is happening inside. What does that even mean? It means we are living in a pretty trippy world.

It makes no sense, but it feels good

I'm in Los Angeles. I'm leaving tomorrow. This last weekend has been truly incredible. I followed my heart here, it made absolutely no sense financially or otherwise. But it felt like a fun thing to do and I felt drawn to come here. The doors that opened up for me here were so beautiful and I shared my energy and shared what was true for me right now in life. So was it the right decision? YES!

Krishna Gopala Radhe Shyam

I know now why I love so much. I love Krishna.

I know now why I long so much to love another. I love Krishna.

I know now why day and night I pine and brood inside myself. Krishna.

I have been looking all over, where is he, where is he. He is in me, Krishna.

Radha longs for Krishna's gentle touch, to make love to her, in the silence of her own mind. 

Brooding, heavy in the heat of the late summer night, alone in my tent, contemplating my love. 

I know now, Krishna. He is the man, the counterpart I yearn for with every ounce of my energy. My heart is aflame burning with desire that no man could ever fill. No love can counteract the love that Krishna gives to me. He is my all, he is my everything. 

When I am Radha, Krishna comes. 

When I abandon my hopeless, unquenchable, human appetites and desires, Krishna comes. He fills my heart with a music, a song that no other can sing. He sings though me, he kisses my lips with the cool breeze and he covers my aching soul with a balm so soothing. My hearts is only at rest when Krishna comes. 

He comes like a thief in the night I have been told but for me, Krishna comes as the melter of my heart. The most attractive, beloved, kindest, sweet, intimate, loving, caring partner. Krishna comes to me in the sweetness of meditation, my early morning quiet contemplations. When I long to be held or to be heard, he comes to me, in form. It’s no wonder I love thee friend, it’s no wonder I so deeply love you. You are Krishna. And if I have ever treated you as anything but, please accept my apologies.

I am Radha today, I was Radha yesterday and every time I remember, Krishna comes.

I love you, I love you, I love only you. Krishna.