Something big happened last night as I was sitting front
seat at the front of the temple for Swamiji’s commemoration ceremony. As I watched the flower procession carry on,
I felt completely raw and exposed. I felt disgusted at what I saw. Human
beings, attachment to one another, to love, to marriage, old age, diseased old
saggy bodies, decomposing as we speak. I could barely stand to look. I am
disgusted by the ego right now. By my own and by others. I feel like I
absolutely want to serve and give everything to Swamiji but I am so conflicted
because I don’t know how much to give, what to do at what time. Can I give 24/7? I want to but I am
absolutely exhausted mentally but more so physically. DO I sleep in and rest
the body for a day? But then I miss a day of being and feeling in tune. Am I
feeling in tune right now? Well, no. Because I feel sad. I feel sad and
distraught over loosing Swamiji. I haven’t been honoring people. I haven’t been
cherishing them or making them feel important. I haven’t felt loved or
important. I know people look up to me. It would help to be kind. It’s hard
sometimes. I get too comfortable.
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