And clear....

A short essay by Clarity West

I am always so astounded at the things that happen to us in life.
We never can prepare for what’s going to happen next. Is it like that for you?

I never could have imagined there would be a period in my life where it would be hard to get things done. To accomplish things, I mean on every level, physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally. In the past, things generally have been so easy for me to manifest and create. I always felt it was easy, I mean I took it for granted that I could always achieve what I wanted. Maybe there was even an inward certainty or confidence around it. Acheiving, producing, creating, it was what I got my worth from. But lately, I have felt so tired. It's taken effort to go out there everyday and continue to put out energy despite this resistance. It's been some months now that I've dealt with this force. Welcome to Saturn’s return I'm told, mix that up with bramacharya vows. I mean maybe the tests and tasks are just getting bigger and now. I’m dealing with different levels maybe more subtle than say just the material plane. I want to say how much my life is mixed with such clarity, such joy and also so much pain and sorrow. I was advised today that many things that I’m experiencing are not personal, many people have been experiencing challenging times this past months and I'm told astrologically we are moving out of this difficult period now. I mean they are not personal attacks by the universe. It could take it as an opportunity to feel and experience another aspect of life, to expand my compassion to be able to experience another reality. I needed to know what it feels like to not have full energy to do things all of the time. It's humbling, especially to have to reach out and ask for help or to admit I can't do it all on my own. One day someone may ask for help and I will be able to say I understand because I will know how it feels.

Over this past year since I took my vows, I feel an increasing strength inside. It has been a powerful time for me but the tests have been excruciating at times. Last night I was screaming at God, really quite emotionally, I was upset about something and I demanded answers. The next morning at 6am I was digging through my backpack and there it was, the answer was right there. I thanked God and felt like a bit of an ass. But it’s a little like talking to your partner, you are that close and you love them that much that sometimes you can get  a little angry with them. There is a grace though when I make even slightest effort, even just to remember I’m not alone. I forget a lot. Renunciation brings the same grace and gift that comes with fasting.  It’s a conserving and transmuting energy for something greater, it's a test, it's a blessing, it's colorful, it's full, it's an emptying out, it's emotional, it's impersonal, it's lonely, it's a long ass journey, it's the only way, it's for life, it's magical and mystical, it's personal and it's mine. And no matter how awkward it may get sometimes, I know that I can go anywhere in the world and it will be ok. In fact, it has proven time and time again that home is where the heart is because I know God is with me.

I had a very interesting experience this past weekend when I went out to work in “the world” after being around Ananda for well over a year and a half. I went to work in a world that has no concept of renunciation, “vows” or living for God. I was dressed in yellow, being a bramacharini and it was funny because one fellow (my boss’s boss) commented that I must really like the color yellow because I was always wearing it. Actually I do but I wouldn’t necessarily care to wear it every day. And I do have an issue with having to wear yellow everyday but I have bigger fish to fry and if that is the worst part of things then I'm doing alright. After the first day at work on "the outside" I honestly felt that I would not be able to do this type of work because it was “out there” in the world. I felt that it was hopeless for me to be a part of a society where people just would not respect or understand my boundaries. Not only that but I watched as my energies got so tested as my senses naturally, went out. I felt hopeless at the idea that I would have to sequester myself away from the world just to feel normal. I just can’t do it! My mind screamed as I sat ackwardly at dinner with my boss and our colleagues. When I got home, I did a few kriyas and I went to bed.

The next morning, 5am I woke up and gave my head a shake. What have I been doing with my own energy, where have I been placing my attention and focus? Outside, that's where. On everyone and everything else but inside and that's why I feel this way. No one can take me out of myself but me. My boundaries are my boundaries and if I am firm in them, no one can shake me. This is where the teachings actually come in to practice. I must be able to be around anyone, male or female and stay inside myself, centered. As a side note, I must mention that I was working around a group of 60+ highly professionally trained intellectual people, mostly men, aged 30-50's. Basically a bunch of really cool geeks. This was after having been around the Ananda crowds for well over a year. It was placed in a very different situation to say the least.
The funny thing was, by day two, there was nothing.I was just me, neither male or female. I was just a child of God, serving to the best of my ability. I did my best to be friendly, but not overly and it was fine.
Can this work long term day and in and day? I don’t know.
But it is all happening inside, this whole world is happening inside. What does that even mean? It means we are living in a pretty trippy world.