You tell me

There is so much beauty sometimes it is hard to see what it is.
I painted a picture the other day, I gave it to my girlfriend.
I had no idea what it was, it just felt good to paint.
When I gave it to her, she saw it. And then so did it.
It was a beautiful bird, with flowers and a pink and yellow sunset in back.
I gave it away because I couldn't see what it was, I couldn't define it so it didn't mean a whole lot to me. So I was un-attached.

I have been considering stopping writing this blog. Why? Because I have nothing left to complain about.
Ha!
Things are actually going well. It's amazing. I am changing, something is finally changing and all I am doing is relaxing. Not really outwardly, because I've been super busy with Laurelwood and classes now, but more inwardly. It's as if all these years of hard work and focus towards healing, are suddenly kicking in. Why? Because I'm not pushing anymore, I'm not trying to heal, I'm finally starting to relax and just be. I'm feeling.
It's like it really takes time to get relaxed for me especially.

It will be almost one year now that I have been at Laurelwood. It's taken me that long and I'm sure it will still require more time, but I'm opening. I'm open. I discovered that it takes me longer and gentler ways to allow myself to open up. All that traveling and medicines were fast, oh so fast and it was exactly what I needed to begin to discover who I am. Now I know what does and doesn't work. It's hard now to ignore when I hear the inward call. I know what I need to do and when I'm being called. Before it was hard to feel the light, now it's learning to keep the light inside and not give it away. You would be surprised. It's either we are feeling pain, or feeling joy and either way we want to get rid of it. We want to give our love to someone, we want to find someone in a grumpy mood, and we want to give away our joy. Who's choice is it? Who's choice was it to walk into that room right at the moment that your sister was pissed off or grumpy? It's our choice. I like these tests a lot better because at least I'm dealing with joy now, rather than pain. It's a good life, but it's still maya. So what am I going to find to blog about now that I am finally happy? Any ideas
:)

NOW or never

I've been on a vision quest since June 2009. It's now February 2013. Almost 4 years.
In the Native American way, four years is a full cycle. Pi Villaraza, a baylan (Philippine shaman) told me after doing a healing on me: the vision quest has to end sometime. It may be now. But it may not.

I have been going through a healing crisis for four years, I have been in constant cleanse mode. Imagine being on a cleanse for four years. Not only did I get addicted to cleansing but I may have also got addicted to the pain. Things are rough when you are cleansing because it is exactly that, cleansing out the old to make new for the new. This involves experiencing and facing the toxic things that come up. That is the only way to remove them or at least let them pass into the light.My main way of letting this stuff go has been prayer. A constant and ongoing prayer 24/7.

Lately, I have been waking up early in the morning automatically and I will sit right up and start meditating, without even a thought. This cleanse, fast, vision quest has been extremely detrimental to my social and friendship life. I can't honestly say that after all this time I have too many close friends. Although the people I have connected with over these past four years have been amazing soul searchers as well and the connections, however short, are deep. I feel connected to many people around the globe who I have had the pleasure of questing with. All my friends love God. How amazing is that?

My past was really rough, I mean really rough. It is all coming to a head right now and I am offering it into and inviting in the light. Because where the light comes in, darkness cannot remain.

I'm sure it has not been easy being around me the past few months especially, I have been pretty inward. It seems that to move on with life there is a certain part of this whole journey I have to put down. I have to let the search go and be where I am now. I asked for community and I found one. I asked for God and she came. Divine mother is showing me parts of myself that are so connected and so beautiful. This solid earth, material life has been totally not a part of my reality these past years. I have been off on other realms and it may be time to come back. I'm just saying, it may be. I have not been living and operating in the same reality most everyday people are. I have been communing with other realms and looking to return there and be more and more in spirit. I have been tearing down walls and tearing down my material life. I have nothing but if you were to rip open my chest, you would find a golden treasure buried deep within. It may be the beginning now, of getting back to life.

Years ago I gave up my apartment, my home and everything I owned and I journeyed. I went all over the place. Recently I gave up a trip to India and that may be a sure sign that I am ready to start re-building roots into the soil of Earth. It may take time, patience and extreme unconditional love, but I know with God's help, I can do it. My heart is overwhelmed as it has grown accustomed to withdrawing, to being inside. The thought of going out into the world and just living life seems empty. But that is a fear from the past because it was empty before I found the gold inside, the fear is the separation,. But I can live life differently this time, in a conscious way, in attunment. I can live with joy and love this time. Keeping connection with source is my main goal. I know it all sounds crazy and extreme, but I am.

Well, first things first. Eating breakfast would be a great start to the day, so that is what I am going to do now. Then I'm going to e-mail my family and thank them for helping support me to get into school, something I have wanted to do for years. I have quoted this before but it comes up often, "Seek ye first the kingdom of heaven and all these things will be added unto thee".

If you haven't seen my documentary film trailer, here it is. Completing this film completed may be a good way to process and complete the quest.

Jai love!

The pain, the pain, the pain again with the pain. The fear, the fear, the fear, the fear. Afraid to be vulnerable, afraid to put myself out there, expose myself. So instead, I get angry and I cover myself up. Again and again, these two little figures sitting, one on each shoulder. The voice of the devil and the other, the angels. A great man, Paulo Roberto said: you must be able to discern which voices are whispering to you. When you have high thoughts, it is the voice of the angels. When it is low thoughts, the voice of the demonic ones. And the last, the voice of yourself. So you must know yourself so you can always discern which voice is talking to you.

I am cracking up. Life is cracking up around me. I am struggling to hold on with everything I have and at the same time totally and utterly losing control. I am mad. God is mad, completely crazy, out of his mind. What is this thing we are living everyday. It feels like a hellish realm yet I yearn with everything inside my being to bring Peace and Harmony to this family. To the world, to my own family. I wish to give birth but in another way or form I don't fully understand. My being wants to give birth to life yet everything around me is trying to tear it down.

The past, the dirt, the sickness, has been trying to drag this pure being of light through it. Please let it down my girl. You are a princess, you are my daughter in this kingdom, you are free. He tells me over and over. I love you more than anything on this earth. All I want is you father, everything on this planet is empty without you. You are the only thing I want. Please, please take me home. I yearn, I ached. I force myself to meditate, day in and day out if only to come a little closer to him, to my true home. Why does it take me getting to the edge always to reach out. You are my only friend right now.

Homework seems ridiculous right now. Something I care very little about. I'm not going to change anything anymore, I give in. I want to be part of my family, I cried for community. But can I accept them? Accept that human beings are not perfect, not at all. But can I be ok with that. The Ayahusca medicine and it's teachings are coming back strong, are showing me what i experienced and why. All the lessons I wasn't able to face a year ago. I was shown my daily state of consciousness magnified and how toxic and hard it is to constantly live in guilt, in fear, in shame. Human conditions we have been passed from our ancestors. Is any of this making any sense? Always wanting to be somewhere either than here. What is this human condition I have inherited. I never asked for it.

My consciousness is not of this planet, my mind, my spirit is inward everyday communing with the divine. I want to be closer, close, I want to be in spirit. Visiting all those realms put me in touch with something else. I never knew life would be so hard, I had some idea that it would be easier. Life is tough. But somehow, there is light. I know there is, all I have to do is look up and I see it.  It is pouring out of me and all around me. My ego, the ego is thick, it wants to survive. I want to purify. Someone said that I am special. How special is it to turn away from the emptiness of the world and want God. I think that is common sense. There is nothing here to make me happy. Men, relationships, all that led me down a dark and ugly road. I don't want that. I want the purity. The gold. I am going for the real Gold. The love of God is like nothing else. I want the best, the very highest, the only one who will never leave or abandon me. I just read my little sister's blog, Unchained Thoughts, she is a profound and deep writer. She is in love for her first time, as am I.