A letter from Tom in the Philippines

Hi C,

So much in your letter, it feels like a week long conversation. I know what you are going through, and it reminds me of sometimes in my past.

Once I was sitting in church with the family, Kathi and four small children. Hard to even imagine that now... Church??

The meeting was going on as they do, but inside me something was crawling and wanted out. Emotion, rage, confusion, tension, birth ?

I left the meeting and drove to the mountains, the only place I could think to go where there was no people, no noise. I climbed up a trail I knew at Horse tail falls, a treacherous climb that would discourage most. On reaching the top and surveying the surrounding Sierra Neveda mountains, I saw a hole under some boulders that looked safe, hidden and quiet. A natural womb of granite and dirt.

I curled into a embryo and listened to the ticking timebomb inside me. I had to either disarm it or... let it blow! As it turned out life was not ready to let me go quietly into release, as the sound of voices began to grow in my ears. Two hikers in full chit chat mode walk within 8 feet of me!!! I now know why a guy loads five guns and goes on a rampage.

Is there no peace to be had? How far must I go for simple silence?

There was just enough sanity left in me to leave the pin in the hand granade, although most everything else in me want to end it all. I prayed...

"What are you teaching me? What is this churning in my gut that feels like "Alien" the movie? Help me sort this out!!

I stayed for awhile, maybe hours, I don't know, but did find my way down the mountain with some peace restored. There was no clear answer to what was happening inside me, but it went away and I was able to go on.

As I sit here and think back, it comes to me now that my soul was getting ready for a jail break. A just as the birth process is both miserable and dangerous to a small child, it is the only way out!

Much followed that Sunday many years ago and it seems now like only one page in "War and Peace" the book of Tom.

Clarity, you show many signs of being birthed or... making your own jail break. Keep watching the insanity that surrounds you and feel the beast in your belly that wont rest until liberation is certain. I also know that these events in your life are part of a much bigger picture, a picture you drew up ages ago. And weather you like it or not... it is all perfect! Maybe not from the ego mind which is wired toward separation and thus... drama. Yes, everything is OK, just keep believing that while you move from "adult child" to "adult adult", a process of taking full responsibility for your life, living in full integrity, and being present in the moment, only... always!

Are you ready for awe? I have a gift for you. Go to "Vimeo" and search for "ashes and snow https://vimeo.com/29498902 a video that still has me entranced. Animals and humans living the higher order, the natural order. There is a 45 minute full version I found on "kick as torrents." Watching this will not make your process go away, but it may remind you that there are awake people walking the planet and living an example of "wholeness".

Loves.

No expectations

No expectation. No expectation. No expectation. No expectation.

Being present with this moment with no expectation will allow me to write, to create to free flow unexpectedly, with no result in mind. The non-attachment allows for the creativity to flow without the constriction of I, me, mine. Master (Yogananda) is the one inspiring me, flowing through me and inspiring my writing.

Whenever I get set on something I want to do, like doing the energization exercises for example. I am energizing so I can energize, to have the result of more alertness and energy afterwards. But half way through the exercises, I want to quit. It’s being in the moment of energizing that is enjoyable, not wanting to be somewhere else. When the energizing really counts is in the moments, not just doing it mechanically. Joy comes from being in the moment…something I have not practiced much this life. I see my fear of being fully present here in my body, my heart has been closed. Fear of being present means fear of being present to all sensations including pleasure, pain, loss and gain. 

I am learning from my Buddhist friend to accept the pain, the suffering, the joy and not try to make it go away or change it. The great part about this practice is you can be going through complete agonizing physical, emotional or spiritual pain and you just continue to go on. You just do. Because you know that underneath it all, you are loved, you are pure joy and you are untouched. Your soul is perfect and God has never left you. Find something that drives you forward or someone and stick with it, stay with your goal.  

I feel like I am being given a new mature way of looking at life. This view-point comes from the yogic philosophy called Raja Yoga. This path makes me a responsible co-creator in life rather than a victim or sitting on the side line.

Love has been spontaneously welling up in great spasms and bursts, the love I am feeling for people here is overwhelming. Immediately the ego seeks to have a form, or vessel to direct this love. This happened when I first came to Laurelwood. I began to have a major heart opening experiences, where so much love and divine mother energy would pour through me I would literally feel high. I had a new best friend here at the time and all that love and energy just poured through me into him. I wanted the very best and highest for his healing and soul evolution and recognized him deeply as a soul friend but found it hard not to personalize my love for him. I probably don’t have to tell you how the situation ended up, but you can imagine. What goes up must come down and it did, boy did I go down. Bu I am getting a second shot at it.

This time, last night and this morning, I went deep into meditation. I mean deep. Last night we had a late night kirtan down in expansion hall and I was so high walking out of there, I felt like I was barely holding myself up. My love was just pouring out to divine mother as I told her over and over again: “I love you, I love you, I love you.” I am being given a new opportunity, another chance to be re-born, to fully live life. And to become fully human.

Last night I read something about us humans, fully accepting being in our body. Being here in our body and fully experiencing everything that comes to us. Taking it as an opportunity to grow and to ask the universe what it is teaching us in this moment, moment by moment. As I mentioned earlier, I never wanted to really be fully present. It translated into not ever really wanting to be alive. Life was a burden, something to be endured. I prayed many times before to leave. In fact, I was given the opportunity to go once. 

This was the first but not the only experience I have had with death or wanting to die. From a yogic standpoint, I witness how desperately I have wanted to kill the ego. Kill my ego.  It sounds violent … and it is. It has been. I have made it that way. I don't know any other way. Death is not easy, unless we let go. The process has been an agonizing journey. But I have absolute faith and confidence that there is nothing more.

My second experience with death, well... that experience I will share another time. Thanks for staying up with me. I love you always in God.

Late night realizations

It is our responsibility to be the best we can be... not for ourselves...but for others.
Everyday asks of us to be our own personal best. What we can offer when we are at our cutting edge can affect people in profound ways that we can't know but sometimes get a glimpse of.
Saying yes, and getting up each morning, is a big start.

Cloudy and overcast with a chance of...

My emotional weather is cloudy and overcast with occasional breaks of sunshine.
I am moving from grey, winter, snowy days to lighter brighter promises of Spring.
I am holding inner sunshine in the darkest hours.
It can't get much worse so it's really not that bad.
I am becoming something new. In nine months, it will be unveiled.
I am re-birthing.
I am becoming something, someone, something.
I am nothing, no-one, no thing.
Disappearing the ego, killing the ego is what I felt this morning in meditation.
I have been attempting to kill the ego.
It sounds violent - it is.
Maybe the pain I have been experiencing is from that which I am trying to do?
Does the ego need to die?
I ask for it. I pray for it. Purify me. Completely and utterly.
and then I cry. Why is this happening to me?
Who is crying? Who is sad.
Mind is sad. Ego is hurt, offended, defensive. It sucks.
Let myself feel what I feel, feels nice, feels good. It goes away.
I am open and raw, completely unveiled and disarmed.
No one can hurt me anymore. I have complete responsibility for what is.
I have control over my emotional weather.
Whether it is sunny and clear or cloudy and overcast.
No one can control or manipulate my emotional weather.
I must keep my weather clear, clean and healthy.
My meditation was deep this morning. Deep like an endless crystal clear pool, washing me
and opening it's gorgeous, cleansing, white curtains of peace.
I was engulfed. It's all over. There is nothing else, nothing more or better.
All the pain, all the hurt from the past. That is my blessing. That is who I am
and how I have become cleansed. That pain was the blessing.
I am ready to close my eyes and finally open them.
I am in the process of letting go.
Forgivness is washing over me and giving me permission to start over.
When someone apologizes, it;s all over. We must forgive.
If not, we make a choice to keep on hurting.
What about when they don't apologize.
We can still forgive, ourselves, them. We can free ourselves.
The mood, the weather is there but I am allowing it to just settle,
like a cloud and maybe it will blow away before I go to bed.