Definition of success

Success for me cannot be defined anymore by comparing myself to anyone else. I am successful. The very fact that I am here, I am alive. That makes me a success. I mean imagine how we are born! We come from being this incredible, delicate and sensitive dependent being, knowing nothing and having to re-learn everything all over again. The fact that we are expected to be or achieve anything other than being alive, joyful and present is ludicrous. Being in love with life is enough. That is success!

I am looking at my life right now and seeing how much beauty has come of this life. From a life of adversity I was sprouted. The very fact that I am here and alive is a miracle. I could have chosen to give up. We all could have chosen to give up but everyday we get up and we face the light of day. We are miracles. We are a success.

I look at myself and my art and how far I have come. From being a societal drop out, from being depressed, from having a bi-polar mother. Despite all of that there was something in my heart and my spirit that kept pushing me forward. I am a strong woman and now the key is going to be softening. Keeping the heart soft and open and re-integrating trust into my daily life. It has been very difficult to trust people after so many years of hurt and heartache but I want that again. Something is coming out of me right now, something beautiful and I am watching it birth like a new born baby. My energy is being channeled into something great, something so full of potential. I know what it is. I'm allowing energy to flow to myself. I am letting it fill up instead of spilling out to the usual things. I am blessing myself. I am receiving the blessings because I can't take claim. I am so grateful for life right now as as much as it demands, I feel honored and capable to meet it. Stay tuned for more

Lakshmi in the house

I've been staying here at the ashram since March this year, almost 8 months now. I've been serving and not really doing any outside work besides the work of Ananda and Laurelwood. Today I went back to "work" and started to focus on making money again. It felt incredibly akward, uncomfortable; like putting on a wool coat on a summer day. I could barely do it. Just the thought of "making" money for myself, making things happen. It just didn't seem to fit. It wasn't working. I felt blocked, contracted, bloated. I tried to paint and it was constricted because I was thinking about the need to sell the artwork. It just doesn't feel right.

Something has changed as I'm realizing I'm not able to operate in the world the way I used to. I am forever changed. My experience here at Laurelwood has changed the way I operate in life. Everyday here, we rise together, meditate, have breakfast and then we, as a groups, get after the tasks of the day. We work together to achieve and cover a common goal, to run Laurelwood. We make sure the college students, staff, residents are fed thrice daily. We make sure all the common spaces are clean and tidy. We paint, we sand, we mud, we re-paint, we vacuum, we scrub, we polish. We do whatever needs doing daily and we don't think of ourselves while we do it because what is there to think of when you are just serving? You are not getting paid  directly for the work your perform and IT IS endless work, so you just do it. Something happens when you just get used to serving and meditating everyday. You don't have to think so much. When you have desires and you want to fulfill them, it takes work. Working for God is seamless, but that is not to say it is easy. It is the opposite, it is incredibly hard but it is the most satisfying and thirst quenching of all things, real and unreal. God is the supreme drink of water on the hottest of days.

What to do now? I do intend to attract the money I require to support myself to live my life here and support creative endeavors. But how to do that now? I suppose this is coming directly from the Laksmi puja we conducted last night. We did a ceremony with the women here to celebrate and honor the Goddess Lakshmi who is wealth, abundance, gifts, beauty, love, all things good. As my brother Jonah said to me today on Skype today, "having some pressure is good for you, it helps you grow". Lakshmi is here, helping us clear out the old unworkable habits that keep us from receiving the abundance we so deserve. If we are full of shit, how can she fill us full of gold? That is a question to ponder.

I am exactly where I want to be

I am exactly where I want to be, doing exactly what I want to be doing. It's a brief change in the perspective of a situation that only yesterday, I resisted with fury. Where I am right now, if I responsibly look at where I am, is exactly where I choose to be. In all it's pain, beauty, glory, it's my life. I am painting, meditating, living in community, studying, learning, growing, getting stronger, becoming more centered, I am getting to know myself and God.

 It's 2012 and I am alone, in the sense that I am not in a romantic relationship. I am in relationship with God and the universe right now. I am seeing so much beauty, kindness and gentle teachings unfolding within and without. Things are manifesting around me at light speed and all I can do is say: "Thank you divine mother." The more she gives to me, the more I offer it back and say "I want only you". The more she gives to me, the less it makes me want because I feel nourished, provided for and I know I am taken care of. She keeps giving to me and it makes it easier for me to stop wanting, to stop yearning. Seek ye first the kingdom of heaven and all these things shall be added unto you. This isn't some cute tagline, this is for reals. I have everything and it is truly in an inward sense. I feel inside like I have everything, so I have everything and it also is manifesting in my outer reality which I am currently experiencing.

I tried something new today. I stayed open. I stayed myself, I sang, I spoke out at the dinner table, I chanted loud and hard and deep at kirtan. I didn't let anyone dictate how I was, felt or acted. I was me. How freeing. how simple and how freeing to just be ME? Sounds crazy right. But it's true. My tea bag today said "Live in your strength". That helped me a lot today. We are strong, each one of us and I found in being myself, I was naturally strong because I didn't have anything to worry about. I wasn't outward focused. Anyways, enough for tonight, I am tired now, time to let the body rest. Night night. Love love. Om Om

Who left the window open

"Come Home" - Oil Painting by Clarity West

I was feeling a draft in the building the last couple days. I kept asking, "Is there a door open"? It was cold at dinner tonight. The window in my room was covered in moisture when I woke up. Again, today I asked, "Is there a window open or something, I feel a draft". As I was walking up the second floor staircase to head to bed, I noticed a window high up, open just a small crack. It was enough that when I jumped up to close it, the draft stopped. I opened the window. It was me who had opened that window about one week ago and never closed it. I know this doesn't seem that significant but it is. This is explanatory of my life right now. All these doors from the past, all the windows I opened, only I can shut them. It's painful and it's not easy, but it's a hell of a lot better than not closing them.

It's no wonder I haven't wanted to wake up lately. Waking up at 5:55am just doesn't seem to be happening. It's because I don't want to face the day I am going through so much inward pain right now. I am writhing as all of my past, all of ME is revealed to me in all it's glorious and horrifying complexity. For years I have been evading it through my constant travel, drugs, boyfriends, inner dramas, etc. Now, finally, for the first time in years, I am still in one spot. I am still.

The mind, the body is becoming still and all that noise that was going on for years, the one that I couldn't hear because I was too busy, it's loud and it's right in my face. It's been very tough to look at but I am going into it, I am going through it. Daiva tells me to quit squirming. I wish I could be stronger, more forgiving. I am going through hell here and I feel on top of that, I have people who are doubly being hard on me through this process. It is time that I stand firm in my divinity and not allow anyone to stand on me or push me down. I have the right to be me here and now. I should not hide myself for anyone. I walk around with my head down and my eyes closed to let anyone dominate having my heart open or closed. At least I am walking with God through this pain instead of feeling like I am alone. It's a good start. The light is starting to shine through.

This painting I just finished (above), it's called:  "Come Home".