My life is becoming perfection... such a divine perception.
I look around my room and it's clean, clear, neat and tidy. Despite the many tasks, demands, busy and huge obligations and responsibilities, my life is being held together. By some divine glue, my life has become spiritualized. It's perfect despite that I want to say otherwise. I am here tonight to honor myself and my process and to talk about my goals and ideals. To gain clarity for myself. I never thought that I could feel this successful inwardly. I am regaining a sense of what success truly is. It doesn't matter if every single person on Earth thinks I am a success, unless I feel it. What I feel is success, only I can measure. A lot my feeling of success comes from wanting to feel and be in tune with my life purpose, with being myself. Being who I truly am and acting despite the fear is truly being successful in my eyes.
Last night I went to watch the new Batman movie, The Dark Knight Rises. In the movie I saw many parallels to my own life. Bruce Wayne, after being defeated and painfully humiliated, goes into hiding for 7 years. In this time he trains, he faces fears and builds his strength. He returns to the city, to face his past and to try out his new strength. He is met with breakthroughs, breakdowns, success and major failures. Once again, a broken man, he gives up and lets everything go, after he loses everything externally. Including the people he loved the most. Again, he is paralyzed by the pain that life has brought him and unable to cope with moving on. His past leaves him shattered and literally, crippled. Finally, he comes head to head with his past and his greatest fears and foes. He gets beat, bad, really bad and is given the choice of giving up completely, death. I don't wanna ruin the ending for you guys but I want to let you know, I know how this guy feels.
From the age of 21 to 28, seven years, I started to intensely meditate and heal from the trauma and painful experiences of childhood and adolescence. Some of these painful experiences were self inflicted and others were things that needed I needed to bring forgiveness to. After seven years of healing, I am coming to the point where moving forward and standing up is presenting itself once again. I am re-gaining strength and momentum and in that, the fear is definitely presenting itself. The past pain is surfacing and taunting me with failure being hung over my head. But I am not the same person, I am stronger, I have grown and changed and learnt. I will not make the same mistakes. I am smart and intuitive. Just because I grew up poor doesn't mean I am destined to relive the experiences that were there to present to me the lessons I needed to learn. Honesty, struggle, strength, perseverance, hard work, focus, gratitude, sharing, kindness, understanding, patience, spirituality. I will not allow the past to haunt me any longer, I will move forward. I have a mission and I know I have all the tools for success, I feel it in my bones and my blood. I am alive and well.
Sometimes I look at people who I see have been crippled, physically by life. I feel like "wow, they are doing so much even though they are crippled." What excuse do I have? Why am I here still talking about this? I am shifting, the world is shifting and everything around me seems to be falling perfectly into place. I must say that relaxing, into myself and life feels to make things a lot easier. Listening to the small but clear voice within is the biggest thing I have learnt in the last ten years of yoga and meditation. That voice has taken me this far and brought me the most beautiful gifts that life has to offer, inside and out.
I am definitely re-inspired by life and the movie I saw last night. Although I believe the messages are always there wherever we are willing, open and receptive. Although Batman was incredibly violent and somewhat disturbing there were some jewels it had to offer... besides Christian Bale's hard pecs.
Ommmm
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Who would of thought poetry...
Opening
by Clarity West
Life is a reflection – perfection -
is a dream, not as it seems
Cosmically small and large
Galactic bursts of intelligent life
Flowing through ever cell and smile
The joy is overwhelming – opening my heart to love
Falling in love with life – letting go of fear and strife
My cosmic beloved has come down to me, in every flower, every cherry on a tree
He dreams of me and I of him
In my lovers kiss there can be no sin, guilt, worry, fear and shame – replaced by thee
The cosmic drum of duality
Night and day, work or play, I am learning to feel thee
After the day I relax from activity – this is the key to finding thee
Feeling thee when I cease my mental activity
Don’t be alarmed, it’s still me – just vibrating at a higher frequency
You are too high to frighten me as you hold me close, by your side – we fly you see
I asked for my divine to make love to me, high above in greater realities
In place, he sent me many friends, you see, so no choice is necessary
I can love all of thee in various forms and different bodies
Spread out across the stars in cosmic births – finally myself has been unearthed
All along she and I were there, I was simply unaware
That thou art the cosmic in I - and when I go I won’t really die
I will merge back with thee for eternity
Until once again I will join the reverie
called Earth
On My Lips Her Poetry Abides
Jeffrey Armstrong (Kavindra Rishi):
Fragrant Aurora scatters her rosy petals,
Ushas, in whose hands the morning settles,
While the Twin Physicians guide the steeds –
Of Surya’s chariot with golden leads,
The ruddy dawn dragged on with luminous reins,
Shines across the grey and scattered rains.
Drops of perspiration from the clouds,
Apsaras dancing, saris draped in shrouds,
Reveal and hide their curves for Indra’s pleasure,
Deva Raja, flashes from his treasure,
Split the sky with early morning thunder,
On Uchaisravas, his elephant down under,
As Vayu blows the misty whisps away,
Savitri glistens forth another day.
Huta, Guta, God, the charcoal smoke,
Clings to Agni’s body like a cloak,
Arising slowly like some divine aha,
He licks the lips of crackling Svaha.
And just now I am beginning to awaken,
Watching this scene, my human pride is shaken,
My shell of an ego cracks and falls to Earth;
Naked, I am ready for another birth.
The ants are carrying my precious past away,
And with it my illusion that I know the way,
Something is breathing me in concert with the air,
The midwife has my head and is pulling with care.
But this time I am not screaming, I will chant,
Surrendering, a willing participant,
The Devas have agreed to let me see,
To drink a glass of Soma, taste ecstasy,
For I agreed to let these Angels watch,
While I am offered to the Goddess Vach.
And I am Hers now, all resistance is gone,
Sweet Sarasvati has another swan,
There on my wings Her sacred body rides,
While on my lips Her poetry abides.
Copyright 2012 Jeffrey Armstrong All Rights Reserved
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Friday, July 6, 2012
July 6th, 2012 - My birth day
The morning of my birthday and what a day. It feels blissful, it feels complete.
Last night I facilitated an inner dance circle here at Laurelwood with four other very special souls.
It was a deep and integrative experience, dancing, moving, healing in the light of the setting sun, stars and rising moon. We stayed there all night and finally just fell asleep. It felt like such a diffrent kind of birthday for me this year because I feel centered. There is this balance inside myself that is always waiting.
I had some strong realizations last night and became very clear that I am being called to go to India. The calling is there and the doors are open, I have the goddess' blessing. I am asking my heavenly father now to provide the means to send me there. My spirit, my path is a very unique and individual route that I can no longer judge. It involved me surrendering and being more in spirit to really be able to tune into what and where I should be and go next. It's a flow that requires constant surrender and opening. My friends went deep into the inner dance energy and it is always so thrilling to see that we can be the cause of healing. Giving my life to spirit and constantly saying yes to these crazy journeys has actually been for a reason. Living in the Philippines with Jo was for a reason. It's scary to open myself up so fully but at the same, it feels so good to love. To love everyone and last night I saw them as myself. I have been afraid to open up to people for fear of abandonment and I'm starting to feel that deep down, many of us have felt these deeply repressed feelings, maybe even from birth. But I don't think it's abandonment from parents, partners or friends that the pain really stems from. I feel for me that it was a feeling of abandonment from God, from the day I was born. But you know what, last night I saw that spirit has been there all along. Every step of the way, constantly supporting me, loving me, providing for me, unconditionally, always. What a realization! How painful and tragic yet so beautiful and life shattering at the same time. How can I ever be the same? All those moments I felt alone, all I had to do was to turn inwards and my best friend is there waiting for me.
.
My friends had my favourite cake for me last night; angel food and even coconut bliss ice cream. I have found a beautiful community here, a beautiful tribe and family. My family is large and spread out across the world. Last year I asked for something for my birthday on my blog site, two things actually and they both came true. This year I want to ask for my guru's will, that I can go on this trip to India in Oct. I have to raise $1000 by Aug 1st and then $2500 more to pay the balance. I feel that there is something deep waiting there for me and I see now that by me healing, it heals others and it gives others permission to open and follow their hearts. The next couple days I am allowing myself to be open, to receive what God is blessing me with, here and now. The need to feel strong is something I ususally feel and sometimes, this can be a lonely journey. Going inside so much is not something I see much in this society. But the thing is, life feel so much more enjoyable when I am centered and enjoying it from that place inside myself. Ok, my friends are waiting and we're off to the beach.
Love you all, God bless
xox
Last night I facilitated an inner dance circle here at Laurelwood with four other very special souls.
It was a deep and integrative experience, dancing, moving, healing in the light of the setting sun, stars and rising moon. We stayed there all night and finally just fell asleep. It felt like such a diffrent kind of birthday for me this year because I feel centered. There is this balance inside myself that is always waiting.
I had some strong realizations last night and became very clear that I am being called to go to India. The calling is there and the doors are open, I have the goddess' blessing. I am asking my heavenly father now to provide the means to send me there. My spirit, my path is a very unique and individual route that I can no longer judge. It involved me surrendering and being more in spirit to really be able to tune into what and where I should be and go next. It's a flow that requires constant surrender and opening. My friends went deep into the inner dance energy and it is always so thrilling to see that we can be the cause of healing. Giving my life to spirit and constantly saying yes to these crazy journeys has actually been for a reason. Living in the Philippines with Jo was for a reason. It's scary to open myself up so fully but at the same, it feels so good to love. To love everyone and last night I saw them as myself. I have been afraid to open up to people for fear of abandonment and I'm starting to feel that deep down, many of us have felt these deeply repressed feelings, maybe even from birth. But I don't think it's abandonment from parents, partners or friends that the pain really stems from. I feel for me that it was a feeling of abandonment from God, from the day I was born. But you know what, last night I saw that spirit has been there all along. Every step of the way, constantly supporting me, loving me, providing for me, unconditionally, always. What a realization! How painful and tragic yet so beautiful and life shattering at the same time. How can I ever be the same? All those moments I felt alone, all I had to do was to turn inwards and my best friend is there waiting for me.
.
My friends had my favourite cake for me last night; angel food and even coconut bliss ice cream. I have found a beautiful community here, a beautiful tribe and family. My family is large and spread out across the world. Last year I asked for something for my birthday on my blog site, two things actually and they both came true. This year I want to ask for my guru's will, that I can go on this trip to India in Oct. I have to raise $1000 by Aug 1st and then $2500 more to pay the balance. I feel that there is something deep waiting there for me and I see now that by me healing, it heals others and it gives others permission to open and follow their hearts. The next couple days I am allowing myself to be open, to receive what God is blessing me with, here and now. The need to feel strong is something I ususally feel and sometimes, this can be a lonely journey. Going inside so much is not something I see much in this society. But the thing is, life feel so much more enjoyable when I am centered and enjoying it from that place inside myself. Ok, my friends are waiting and we're off to the beach.
Love you all, God bless
xox
Thursday, July 5, 2012
My 28th birthday
I can't have control and have a surprise. I can't receive a surprise birthday party and maintain control at the same time. This is a reflection as to what is happening in my life right. I am being asked, shown, that if I let go, I will receive a gift better than I could possibly imagine for myself. But I am trying to plan that everything goes right on my birthday, making sure all the details are right, so I don't have to worry about it. So I can be surprised? It doesn't make any sense. It's either let go and be surprised and let divine mother plan the party, flow with it, receive what comes or put all my energy, intention and focus into making something happen. Going half way doesn't work. It's akward and it's not a surprise. I can't be planning my surprise birthday. Getting so involved in what I think works and doesn't is just as silly as me jumping out of the closet to surprise myself. Ahh. How do I possibly get along with myself? I am impossible.
What it is is my attachment to doing things right. Or thinking about what is right. Doing things perfectly or not doing them at all. I have fear of failure. Fear of doing something and it looking bad, or worse, me looking bad. There are so many things I could take on, I could spin my wheels and have them turn, but I'm afraid one may fall and break. And then what? People will be disappointed, they will be upset, they will call me a failure, worse, I will feel like a failure. Instead, I wait, I procrastinate and then tell myself it's too late. That is a choice too, I am making a decision when I am choosing not to choose anything. It's like I really want things to just come but at the same time, I'm not relaxed enough to know how to put out major energy and then just let them come. I am either too relaxed and thus, not making it happen or putting out too much energy, and forcing things to happen. It's a balance that I am learning about right now and damn, it requires me putting out every bit of focus I have. Meditation helps and I couldnt't, could not, absolutely not do any of this without that balance in my life. Centering is what keeps me going day after day and even on 4 hours sleep, here I am, awake and ready. The flow, being in the flow is what it's all about for me these days.
I turn 28 tomorrow. I think I remember blogging this time last year on the day before my birthday. I will have to check that post out. Fortunately for me, I was surprised with an amazing pre-birthday gift. My good friend Sri Timothy Knox invited a sweet sister of mine to come stay here at Laurelwood. She has been here since last night and so far it's like she is part of the family. I am just happy I'm going to spend my birth day celebration with two of my sweetest friends, Hana and Timothy. These two souls, though in the bodies of 19-year-olds these are the oldest and wisest people I know, crystal kids for sure. An inner dance session is in order and on a full belly of cake and ice cream I'm sure it will be all the more sweet.
xox
xox
What it is is my attachment to doing things right. Or thinking about what is right. Doing things perfectly or not doing them at all. I have fear of failure. Fear of doing something and it looking bad, or worse, me looking bad. There are so many things I could take on, I could spin my wheels and have them turn, but I'm afraid one may fall and break. And then what? People will be disappointed, they will be upset, they will call me a failure, worse, I will feel like a failure. Instead, I wait, I procrastinate and then tell myself it's too late. That is a choice too, I am making a decision when I am choosing not to choose anything. It's like I really want things to just come but at the same time, I'm not relaxed enough to know how to put out major energy and then just let them come. I am either too relaxed and thus, not making it happen or putting out too much energy, and forcing things to happen. It's a balance that I am learning about right now and damn, it requires me putting out every bit of focus I have. Meditation helps and I couldnt't, could not, absolutely not do any of this without that balance in my life. Centering is what keeps me going day after day and even on 4 hours sleep, here I am, awake and ready. The flow, being in the flow is what it's all about for me these days.
I turn 28 tomorrow. I think I remember blogging this time last year on the day before my birthday. I will have to check that post out. Fortunately for me, I was surprised with an amazing pre-birthday gift. My good friend Sri Timothy Knox invited a sweet sister of mine to come stay here at Laurelwood. She has been here since last night and so far it's like she is part of the family. I am just happy I'm going to spend my birth day celebration with two of my sweetest friends, Hana and Timothy. These two souls, though in the bodies of 19-year-olds these are the oldest and wisest people I know, crystal kids for sure. An inner dance session is in order and on a full belly of cake and ice cream I'm sure it will be all the more sweet.
xox
xox
Monday, July 2, 2012
India
How could I possibly ever be mean to another being? It is like directly doing harm to myself. I am becoming highly apathetic although I feel like I may have always been like this. I hid myself from the world for so many years, hid from myself, afraid of being rejected. Not hard to imaginehaving grown up in Catholic school, heck, any school. This westernized educational system pretty much stamps out societal clones.
So many aspects of who I used to be are starting to re-imerge. The young Charity I was when I was a little girl is coming back to life. I can't avoid life anymore, it is unmistakably right there in front of me. I am starting to see that the more I can take responsibility for my life as my life, the more amazing it is becoming. How can I be successful if my life is constantly at the wisp and whim of everyone else.
These days it is so uncomfortable to be anything but truth and light. Being a channel is the most remarkable experience and it is taking over my life fully. Some interresting prospects have come up in the last couple weeks including an opportunity to go to India. It seems absurd and totally not something I had planned or even had in mind. But at the same time, it feels so completely right and natural. My mind has struggled the past week or so with the thought because where will the money come? How will it all work? But I know and I trust that if his will is for me to go, all doors are open.
It's about re-learning how to be in this world now, starting fresh. I have an opportunity to let go of the old unworkable patterns and fully and truly become who I want to be. I am not controlled or forced live a life that just follows some cookie cutter or pre-destined path. I have the freedom to let go of who I was raised to be and just say "I am me". It involves un-learning all the times I was taught that it wasn't ok to be me. That I needed to be something better, diffrent or more. I am and have always been perfect. Perfectly me. I am free in that. God and me have a lot of talking to do but for now, I better turn the light out. I love you and I love feeling good inside myself.
I am safe, I am sound, in God's light, in love always.
So many aspects of who I used to be are starting to re-imerge. The young Charity I was when I was a little girl is coming back to life. I can't avoid life anymore, it is unmistakably right there in front of me. I am starting to see that the more I can take responsibility for my life as my life, the more amazing it is becoming. How can I be successful if my life is constantly at the wisp and whim of everyone else.
These days it is so uncomfortable to be anything but truth and light. Being a channel is the most remarkable experience and it is taking over my life fully. Some interresting prospects have come up in the last couple weeks including an opportunity to go to India. It seems absurd and totally not something I had planned or even had in mind. But at the same time, it feels so completely right and natural. My mind has struggled the past week or so with the thought because where will the money come? How will it all work? But I know and I trust that if his will is for me to go, all doors are open.
It's about re-learning how to be in this world now, starting fresh. I have an opportunity to let go of the old unworkable patterns and fully and truly become who I want to be. I am not controlled or forced live a life that just follows some cookie cutter or pre-destined path. I have the freedom to let go of who I was raised to be and just say "I am me". It involves un-learning all the times I was taught that it wasn't ok to be me. That I needed to be something better, diffrent or more. I am and have always been perfect. Perfectly me. I am free in that. God and me have a lot of talking to do but for now, I better turn the light out. I love you and I love feeling good inside myself.
I am safe, I am sound, in God's light, in love always.
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