winter reflections

I really want to write but I feel like hibernating lately. I really want to read books about business
and marketing, but I just feel like watching a movie and sleeping. I want to eat healthy but chocolate chip cookies just taste so good for breakfast. This doesn't even sound like me? Just a month ago I was like the gluten-free, sugar free, vegan police. Tonight I made lamb soup and ate a box of cookies for breakfast. I just felt like it. It was weird seeing blood and cooking with it, you know, my food has never had blood on it before. I was pretty much raised vegetarian except my dad would occasionally cook up a steak for a high dose of protein. I feel that Arizona balanced me out tremendously, it brough me back to earth.

Taking out the garbage today and making dinner, I realized that all these years, I never really wanted to be here. I didn't want to be from "here". The only world that interrested me was the spirit world and being alive just seemed like the shadow side or the thing I had to do before I could return back. But this, this is it, for this moment, this is it. I am here, I am alive and work, and taking out the garbage and eating lamb stew, is all part of it. Talking, being with people, paying my cell phone bill, finding a place to live, starting a business, all things that being alive means. It means I am privileged to do those things. Fuck, I could be in a wheelchair, I could be deaf or blind or dumb or fucking dead. But I am live, I AM ALIVE. I had a writing contract for this script, it was pretty dark. There is some pretty messed up things going on out there in the world, and I can't even deny that anymore. It's not all about the roses and the little soft baby ducks, there is a dark side. And hat dark side brings us closer to the light or maybe it just makes us see it more clearly. I mean when you see the light, you really just want to be in the light, but the sun always sets, every night and maybe I can enjoy moonlight just as much as sun. Do you understand what I'm getting at? Well, I'm not tooo sure either and maybe it's the lamb speaking, I'm not really sure.