staying in gratitude

I've been so busy the last 6 months I didn't have time to realize I feel sad. I feel this emptiness in my heart and chest sometimes when I am alone and it's quiet. When I pray and meditate it seems to dissappear but when I have no agenda or plans and things are still, the house is quiet, and no one is around, I feel a deep sense of sadness. When I was in the Philippines, I had a beautiful partner there with me and I still felt this deep sadness. Maybe if I left and was around family and friends this would change, I thought. It did not. My sadness comes from somewhere deep and I'm not quite sure what I am sad about. Last night I broke down and cried after doing a crystal healing session on myself. I went into the living room and cried on the lap of my sister. I guess it felt like I needed to release the need to be strong always. My heart is so sensitive, even the very slightest thing can hurt this delicate heart.

Recently, I had a dream and I was told by angels that they wan't me to use my mind in a positive way. Our mind is such a powerful tool, it can create much light or much darkness. I want to honor my emotions and feelings of sadness, but I can't enable myself anymore with this crippling sadness. I want to focus my mind on positivity, on the light. I meditate every morning for over an hour and still, face these deep feelings of loss, of longing and of waiting. For what?

I have been in the most ideal life situations, from living in a beachfront home on a tropical island with a beautiful partner to owning my own store in Vancouver and living in a posh downtown apartment. It was fun at times but none of it truly made me happy. It's hard to find ambition for outward terms of success anymore. It needs to come from an inward sense of accomplishment for me. Success seems to truly come from a higher sense of service or purpose.

Sometimes I wonder about myself. When and what will bring me true fullfillment? Will I ever have enough, will I ever be full, whole and complete? Will it come from an outter circumstance like having a film studio/school set up on a beautiful piece of land, living in my dream home with a loving partner and maybe, a child, living amogst nature and like minded community members. Would this situation  make me happy, or is it another goal that I am seeking to reach to become happy?

When things are quiet, I want to be happy and enjoy those quiet moments with my guides and the spirits. When things are busy and active, I want to be present enough to enjoy those activities as well as the unexpected people and situation that come along with that. I feel hopeful, I know that it doesn't have to be like this forever. I feel much love welling up in my heart over this Holiday season. I feel a longing though, a longing for my tribe, for community, for spritual, mental, emotional support. I guess I need to enjoy the now until that prayer manifests.

In love and trust,
Clarity