communication

I had a very deep experience at the sweat lodge last night.
I was given the honor of staying in after the last round and having a round by myself. Just me, the spirits and mother earth. Something very, very deep started to come up that I never even knew was there. I started to feel this incredible sadness, this longing, this loneliness and pain that I had been experiencing in small and tolerable doses my whole life. But laying there in the lodge, the pain compounded and suddenly just hit me like a brick. I had my face to the earth, through sobs and tears as I allowed myself to consciously go deep into this feeling. I started to remember. I remembered coming into this life, as a young child and looking, searching for him. Where was he? My partner, my partner, I lost him. I was waiting for him on the shore, at our home. He took a boat across the water and waited and I waited and he never came home. He was lost to the sea and I just kept waiting and longing and my heart ached.  I always longed and hurt. I never could heal. I always longed for him, to be reunited with my love, with love. Even when I was born into this new life, I carried the pain and awaited when I could be reunited with him. Who is he? Johan, my ex-partner, every man I have ever been with? I'm not sure. But I know that this pain needed to be released, my heart needed healing. The healing was crying out, to allow greater light to flow through me and to others.

There was a dove in the lodge and many spirits, guides and angels, all assisting me. What a huge release. What a burden I was carrying. Afraid to love and truly open up to any person for fear of loss or abandonment. Am I scared to be in relationship for fear of losing out on love or am I scared to be in for fear of love? I had a deep healing last night and I feel a new space within myself waiting to be filled. Do I allow love to flow into that space from another, or all along was I just needed to fill that space with love for myself? Maybe a bit of both. I am open. I am afraid but I am also excited

In love, and trust

Clarity