why

Why is it that the decisions we need to make can feel so difficult?

I've been so conflicted lately between what I want, what I feel, and what I think I should be doing.

I'm so tired of my mind to be honest. Part of me wants to leave to go to the country and live in community, the other part wants to be here and create a successful business around what I love to do, and then the other part wants to do the business just to get to the community. Does this make any sense?

There's a stain on the carpet in my living room, I clean it and it just keeps re-appearing.
The more barriers I break down, it seems  there is something more there, just a little deeper than the last thing.

Doing what we should can feel a  task because none of us likes rules, especially my generation. But by doing what we should maybe we will finally find the happiness we have been seeking. By should, I mean surrendering, flowing, following the heart and letting it flow, let it go.

I sat up late this weekend with my friend Alaya, we had a bit of herbal medicine and went into some deeply rooted issues. It seems many of us are becoming extremely sensitive to this society, especially the deeper we go into ceremony and self exploration. This city living can appear as quite the struggle. This is only one side of the coin and I suppose there needs to be an outer catalyst to push us back inside. It feels like there is a really strong call right now to become whole, inside our selves as individuals connecting to  to the one source which flows though every cell of our being.

I feel like my biggest obstacle lately is thinking I know. If I know everything, how can I learn anything. I have been experiencing some very significant shifts between heart and mind. I feel I am being shown how painful it is to remain living from the mind.

I want to be honest and I don't think I can speak from my mind because it really gets me nowhere.
When I am in my heart I feel like a little girl again. When I am in a safe space with people I love, my heart is wide open and I am in love. What about the rest of the time when I am walking around in the city?

I feel sad, I miss J. He is the one thing I felt sure of. I guess God wants me to let go of all attachment and expectation. When I am still, I can honestly say that God has never failed me. Every time I have broken down because I felt he was taking something special from me, he has always had a bigger plan in mind.

Everything has always worked out, usually better than I could ever plan. Sometimes trusting can feel like such a hard thing. Like how could I possibly take this step when I have no idea what the outcome is going to be and what if I totally mess everything up? But maybe trusting is really the key to happiness. To embrace life, rather than suffer the resistance to what life is bringing us. To let go.