Breakthrough from breakdown

I am declaring a breakdown. I have had a constant feeling of being unfulfilled and unsatisfied. I have had a longing for years to have, to possess, things, an end goal, the perfect relationship, money, and success. I have not been present. I have not been enjoying the journey. I have been so focused on acheiving, that it takes me out of the present moment and I am constantly looking ahead to when I can be happy. When I have everything, then I can be happy. It has taken me out of being present with the amazing people, places and events that have been so beautifully presented into my life.

I have been holding back moving forward in career because of the commitment issue. Is that what I truly want? I am scared to work hard for what I want and then find at the end of the tunnel that I will be unfulfilled like every other time. Every goal I have ever set my mind to, I have acheived. Everytime I get focused on something I can draw all the money, help and situations to get to the end goal. The problem is I am so focused on the goal that I have pushed myself and others so hard and the journey was not enjoyed. I got lost in the process of wanting the end result. This always left me with a feeling of un-satisfaction or sadness when I would finally acheive the goal. There was always a deep sadness after accomplishing and I never knew why. Usually my pursuits involved something that would give me more of something; more money, more fame, more skills. But never just doing something because I just loved doing it. The past endeavours I took on, I was not enjoying the process of what I was doing. I was seeking a tangible result, fortune, fame. With EA I wasn't enjoying what I was doing, I was totally focused on when the business would be profitable but I wasn't really passionate about what I was doing to get there.

I like to start things but I don't like to do the work. I am a good director and board member. Not really the day to day operations because I don't like having a "job". I am declaring a breakdown because I don't think I've ever really considered doing what I love or pursuing a career following my talents and creative pursuits. I didn't feel worthy or good enough to do that. I keep myself separate from others because I am strong and I can be there for them but nobody can be there for me. I don't need friends. Once again, because I am getting to a goal and friends is not necessary plus I would rather do things by myself, on my own time. I have gone from relationship to relationship but end up feeling un-satisfied because I still don't know how to love myself or allow myself to relax and enjoy life. Maybe it's time for me to slow down and practice patience. At first the love sustains and fulfills me but then as things settle down and the magic wears off, I go back to feeling unfulfilled because I feel unfulfilled in myself. I have never felt good enough about myself. Like I am below people, not even up to the same levels as them. Because I grew up poor and people at my elementary school made my family feel like we were worth less. They never included us and they spoke badly about us, it made me feel low. I stole money from my father's wallet when I was young, I got caught and then he scolded me. I was traumatized because he wasn't ever giving me money and all I wanted to do was buy lunch and I couldn't understand why he couldn't afford to give me money. So I decided to get money myself the only way I knew how and from the only place I knew it came from, dad's wallet. When he scolded me I felt bad, like I wasn't any good and not worth anything. I decided I was bad and dishonest, not deserving of good things.  I am declaring a breakdown because I realize I have been torturing myself for 15 years, not allowing myself to receive anything good because of what I did as a twelve year old child.


I have come to a cross roads where these beliefs are no longer serving me, I am feeling stuck and like I have been on a merry go round repeating the same thing over and over. I want off the ride, I want to be me again. I want to feel pure and happy like I did when I was three, in my father's arms riding the ferry out of town, the August sun warming my skin. I intend to be present with life and to enjoy it's moments and seconds. I intend to have close and authentic relationships with people and let them know who I really am. I have been afraid to let people get to know me because then they would discover that I'm actually below them, they would find out that I was poor and no good. I am stating that I am a perfect and beautiful woman and a divine child of God. I am intending that my life is lived fully and powerfully and that I have the power to move forward in all that I do, now. I am intending a powerful career in which the actions I  daily take are actions I am excited about and love to share. I am intending that money flows because I love what I do and live from my heart space. I am intending that I love myself and forgive myself for the past. I am intending to clean up my past relationships with others so I can move forward authentically. I am creating that nothing is holding me back and that I have all the tools right now for everything I desire to co-create in life. I am creating that I already have everything and that my life is safe and secure.


Om, Peace, Amen