In tears...again

I'm at school in the computer lab, in tears.
I can't even speak to my mother for more than five minutes without breaking down after.
I am seriously angry at this woman, I feel so much anger towards her. I feel like I hate her.
I feel so unsupported, like she has never been there for me on the most important days of my life.
I want to scream and cry right now because she is my mother, she brought me into this world.
She was there on the most important day of my life.
That is why my heart is in so much pain, she is my mother but she hurt me so badly.
She sent me to jail, she locked me in my room without a light when she knew I was afraid of the dark, she put me up in closet when I was bad, she threw my clothes into a creek, she didn't come down from her room on my graduation day and when I most needed comforting, she wasn't there.
I feel sad, I want to cry. I feel so much anger I can't imagine that I will ever be able to overcome this.

Last night my friend Cody and I did a healing session in my living room. We both knew some emotional stuff was coming up for us both. We lit some candles, put down yoga mats, burnt some sage and put on healing music. We just lay there on our backs, letting ourselves be. I prayed for surrender and for a release. I wanted someone to hold me, to hug and comfort me. The spirits were there, the angels, the fairies and devas and our guides, they were holding us. I sobbed and sobbed until I cried so much that I just fell asleep, right there on the floor. After I woke up and Cody left, the people downstairs started having sex really loud and it didn't even really bother me, though it really grossed me out. Anywho, my mother is at my home right now with my sister Christina. I wanted to avoid going there. I got agressive and upset at her on the phone when she refused my invitation to come to the sweat lodge with me. Once again I felt rejected, unsupported and unloved. I see how immature and unreasonable I am behaving with this one aspect of my life, where the other areas seem to flow so well. But I mean, how important is the relationship with our mother? She is the person who held us in her womb for nine months and the person that brought us into the world. She is the first and most important relationship to us as we enter this world. If that is messed up, then it seems very hard to be whole. I feel like I am dwindling between full realzation and utter hopelessness.

Last night as I lay on my back in the living room sobbing, I remembered my birth. I remember being picked up by my legs and hung upside down. I remember screaming as I was hit on the back or the bottom and I remember the coldness in which I, a perfect and delicate being, was being handled by hospital staff. I remember right away feeling that this is an unkind and an unsafe world and I was already hurt. Most of my life I have been attached to feeling hurt, to feeling pain. I haven't wanted it to go away because it has been my crutch for not really having to try. I have been afraid and I have been hurt and I want to let it go. I see how I am the only person holding me back and most of it is happening in my mind. There is very little outwardly stopping me from acheiving all my hopes and dreams.  When is this struggle ever going to end, when will I wake up and feel whole. When will I be able to hold my mother and honestly complete love her. Most importantly, when am I going to forgive myself and let the past go.