The only thing I can think to do is write. My heart, is wide open.
I am happy. For the first time in my life since possibly maybe the age of four when I decided the world was not a safe place.
For a year or so, my brother and I took much training through the Landmark Education group. Mostly to build our communication skills and empower us to speak out in public situations. At the time I was very insecure, emotionally unstable and hated my job and felt like someone who had a long way to go to become something great.
At the sessions, I would look around at these beautiful, straight toothed Lululemon girls who were always smiling and the guys seemed to train behind them wherever they went. They all looked so happy and I wondered why they were even there? There lives seemed perfect but maybe work was paying for it, so they had to come.
One day, I thought, I will be happy too. One day I will feel beautiful, I will feel like a goddess and I will have a man that will look at me and know how lucky he is. I would be happy with the clothes that I had, I would be comfortable in my weight, or lack thereof, particularly in the chest region. I would have abundance and know that everything I wanted to do in life was possible. I wanted all these things, I wanted them so bad. So many nights alone, crying, calling out to God with a heart full of aches and yearning.
Last night Jo asked me, looking me straight in the eyes, "when are you happy?" But I continued to persuade him of all the things that had happened to me in the past to prevent my happiness. I caught myself justifying and I thought "when was I going to be happy if not now"? I am living in a tropical paradise with the man of my dreams and we are sitting on the patio smoking a joint and I am doing art. I am in love with God and I have some of the best teachers and friends on the planet. I am discovering my healing abilities and I am spreading light and love to those around me, I want to help and share.
I am happy now.
I am happy NOW.
I am happy RIGHT NOW.
I just kept repeating it aloud over and over until it actually started to feel like I meant it. Finally, the words were not words anymore, they were the direct result of me actually being happy.
My heart is overflowing. Art poured through my finger tips last night as I explored letting go and enjoying the natural flow that life is when releasing attachment to results.
My untrained hand glided smoothly over the blank page as I channeled my meditative focus into a beautiful flow of movement and color. Bright pastels changed in my hand creating graceful, flowing lines.
A beautiful and long necked swan was discovered.
I am He. I am He. Jo kept reminding me. Blessed Spirit I am He.
It's not good enough I thought when it was done.
Jo looked at me completely in amazement, "what don't you like about it?"
"I dunno, I could have done this better, and that, that definitely could have been more defined."
"It's perfect. It's beautiful, exactly the way it is", he said as he encouraged me to study my creation and appreciate the pure beauty that had manifested itself.
I said aloud without consciously thinking about what I was about to say: "If I can accept this painting, I can accept myself."
Everything faded out and I focused on the art. So beautiful, so much depth and realness. All my years of meditation and the beauty of my spirit had somehow been brought out onto this page, into this piece of art.
"There are no rules in art," Jo reminded me as I asked him how to properly use the pastels I was so delicately clutching. There are no rules in art and there are no rules in life.
I want to die in love, I want to die of an overflowing heart. I want to kick my legs into the air and dance under the stars every night, not just last night or the one before. I want to get high on God every moment of every day. I want to feel no separation ever again, not this lifetime and certainly never a next. I want sadhana to be now, to be then and to be later on. I want to meditate with my eyes open when I am feeding a child from my own spoon with soup made through my hands.
The spirits came to me, my helpers, my angels and guides. They want to come back into my life, but I have to stop being afraid. I have to go into that fear and embrace whatever I may find there.
I won't tell you where I am going, but for the next four days I am going away. I am stepping into spirit and I will purify myself, I will do it for others willingly because if it's for myself, it's too easy to give up.
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| The duckling turns into a graceful swan |
The Shakti
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