Loving myself

The older I get, the younger I become.

As I remove the thoughts and beliefs that society, my family and religion have imposed on me, I become more pure, more youthful, younger, more of ….me.

Sometimes I clean the outside when I should be cleaning the inside.

I clean the bathroom, the kitchen, the porch feeling that if I clean these things, somehow my mind will be cleaned. I am waiting for these changing tides to remove the old and bring in the clean, the pure me, the person I was born to be. So much sickness in this mind, in this ego, so much pain. I am looking for peace, I need peace to live, I cannot live like this anymore.

Jo and my 1 year anniversary is coming in 3 days. It will be the first relationship I have been in that has lasted a year consecutively without breaking up. Most of my relationships have tended to end around the 8-9 month mark. It seems that after I really get to know someone, I find I don’t like them. Maybe all of us are unlovable because we are so full of ego. Maybe we are all loveable because we have a soul, maybe it takes time to really get to know the ego and then more time to really get to know the soul. Jo is a beautiful person. I have been hating him the past couple days. I have my period and for some reason all I can see is all the things I hate about him. I think I needed my space because he has been gone for the day and it’s been great to have my own space. Maybe Jo can teach yoga a couple days a week at Miniloc and it will give me time to focus on my stuff.

Ahh independence, sweet freedom of music, writing, sleeping, breathing. Today is the first day I have removed pressure to “get things done” and funny enough once again I was able to get a ton of stuff done for once. It’s only 6:30pm and I have done a whole plethora of things today, including honouring my space, journaling, market shopping, cleaning house, organizing photos, preparing meals, swimming, sadhana, coddling the cats. All it takes is being present and removing deadlines and pressure. On myself and others.