Its amazing how much I get done when I consciously allow myself to relax. It’s the pressure, the guilt and the I shoulds that prevents me from moving forward.
My whole life since I was a little girl, I have felt this pressure to succeed, to do something big. Mostly it was an inward pressure, whether or not it came from being the oldest child in my family, having a perfectionist father or the fact that my brother and I were always competing, that feeling has always been there. Sometimes I absolutely hate it, because it paralyzes me to the point of not being able to do anything. Why do I have to become anything anyways, can`t I just be free and just be me for a living. What is this business of making a living anyways, why do we all struggle with it. Is it what keeps us here or is just part of this play that we must overcome and then we don`t have to make anything anymore. I have read by my Guru`s guru that as long as we breathe the free air of earth we must also work. I`m getting tired of being scared to act, scared to ask, scared to bust a move and make what I really want to happen for my life. It`s tiring to have this mind that feels limited, like it has been conditioned since childhood and I just want to crack it in half and empty out all that old stale yolk. Maybe I can get a new egg, or hatch one and this time nurture it and fill it with good healthy things. So much coming up emotionally these past few months, years. Oh man, it`s like an undoing of all the old crap and conditioning. The Mayan calendar supposedly doesn`t end on 2012 but the shift has already begun, a few years ago and will continue several years after 2012. All these predictions about the Mayan calendar and no one even bothered to ask the Mayans. Typical right. Anyways being alone in this big empty yoga retreat center on my own island is very daunting. How am I supposed to pull this off on my own. It almost makes me feel like I made a mistake coming here. Jo and I are in a fight and I`m not sure if it means we are supposed to separate or maybe just have some time apart, although we do live on our own island so there isn`t very far to go really. My life feels like a curse and a blessing sometimes, but I feel that life is actually very beautiful and very sad at the same time. When I hear music that is sad but beautiful it touches me the deepest. I have been reading my little sisters blog recently and it hits me in a deep place. It wants to make me a better person, it makes me want to cry and also comfort myself, console my self because I see how hard she is on herself and it just makes me feel like, we can be way to hard on ourselves. I have this dream to write for Yoga Journal or some other prestigious magazine and every blog I write I judge myself, your writing sucks, your designs suck, you aren`t good enough. I wonder sometimes where this strong and mean voice is coming from. Was it always there, did someone pass it on to me, how do I get rid of it. My altar at home, back in Vancouver is set as my computer desktop background, it consoles me in a strange way. I realized today I may still be holding onto my past relationship, it may be preventing me from full loving and embracing my relationship, now.
I don`t want to write anymore, I don`t want to take photos or make movies. I just want to be and enjoy it for myself. Maybe it’s time to call it quits, something isn’t`working, or maybe it`s just time for a break. I would say its time for a vacation but my whole life literally is a vacation. So maybe it`s just time to get to work and stop fooling around. Maybe I need a focus, vision, something just for me that I don’t give, share, lose, sell or prostitute. Something that is mine and only mine. An art show, some money, an investment, a website, something just for me.
Guide me Lord, I am your lost little kitten and I need picking up. I need guidance. Help.
No comments:
Post a Comment