In tears...again

I'm at school in the computer lab, in tears.
I can't even speak to my mother for more than five minutes without breaking down after.
I am seriously angry at this woman, I feel so much anger towards her. I feel like I hate her.
I feel so unsupported, like she has never been there for me on the most important days of my life.
I want to scream and cry right now because she is my mother, she brought me into this world.
She was there on the most important day of my life.
That is why my heart is in so much pain, she is my mother but she hurt me so badly.
She sent me to jail, she locked me in my room without a light when she knew I was afraid of the dark, she put me up in closet when I was bad, she threw my clothes into a creek, she didn't come down from her room on my graduation day and when I most needed comforting, she wasn't there.
I feel sad, I want to cry. I feel so much anger I can't imagine that I will ever be able to overcome this.

Last night my friend Cody and I did a healing session in my living room. We both knew some emotional stuff was coming up for us both. We lit some candles, put down yoga mats, burnt some sage and put on healing music. We just lay there on our backs, letting ourselves be. I prayed for surrender and for a release. I wanted someone to hold me, to hug and comfort me. The spirits were there, the angels, the fairies and devas and our guides, they were holding us. I sobbed and sobbed until I cried so much that I just fell asleep, right there on the floor. After I woke up and Cody left, the people downstairs started having sex really loud and it didn't even really bother me, though it really grossed me out. Anywho, my mother is at my home right now with my sister Christina. I wanted to avoid going there. I got agressive and upset at her on the phone when she refused my invitation to come to the sweat lodge with me. Once again I felt rejected, unsupported and unloved. I see how immature and unreasonable I am behaving with this one aspect of my life, where the other areas seem to flow so well. But I mean, how important is the relationship with our mother? She is the person who held us in her womb for nine months and the person that brought us into the world. She is the first and most important relationship to us as we enter this world. If that is messed up, then it seems very hard to be whole. I feel like I am dwindling between full realzation and utter hopelessness.

Last night as I lay on my back in the living room sobbing, I remembered my birth. I remember being picked up by my legs and hung upside down. I remember screaming as I was hit on the back or the bottom and I remember the coldness in which I, a perfect and delicate being, was being handled by hospital staff. I remember right away feeling that this is an unkind and an unsafe world and I was already hurt. Most of my life I have been attached to feeling hurt, to feeling pain. I haven't wanted it to go away because it has been my crutch for not really having to try. I have been afraid and I have been hurt and I want to let it go. I see how I am the only person holding me back and most of it is happening in my mind. There is very little outwardly stopping me from acheiving all my hopes and dreams.  When is this struggle ever going to end, when will I wake up and feel whole. When will I be able to hold my mother and honestly complete love her. Most importantly, when am I going to forgive myself and let the past go.

My personal experience and reply to Signs we are ascending

After reading over the awakening signs, I would like to add some similar and personal experiences.

I feel very high. A numbness or buzzing sensation in my entire spine that creates a heightened sense of awareness in mind. A greater expansion in my entire being, my mind feels high and expansive. My eyes feel heavy and there is a burning sensation at the top of my spine at the medulla oblongata.

I go to bed at reasonable hours and wake up feeling totally exhausted, almost like I have been working things out in my dreams all night. Some nights I meditate before bed, only sleep a few hours and awaken feeling energized and clear all day long. I have been waking up in the middle of the night without any cause. Sometimes I feel the need to sleep all day and I'm still tired after I do. From dicussions with others, the conclusion is listen to the body, it knows what it needs.

 I find myself struggling with the same problems that have been plaguing me for years. Sometimes I feel like crying but I get impatient with myself and continue to push through the day. When I listen to my emotions and I allow myself to cry, it takes me to a place of relief, clarity, lightness and calmness.

Many past memories, issues and pains are coming to the surface. Stuff from childhood, elementary school, little things that hurt me are presenting themselves and I am seeing why I am who I am based on the fears and beliefs I created out of these isolated events. I see how I have been holding myself back for years because of the beliefs of others and the fear of standing out. I see how my mind automatically wants to judge everyone and everything around me and sometimes I am conscious enough to seperate myself from those thoughts. When I am in my heart I see everyone around me as beautiful children and sometimes I want to cry when I see how innocent they are. It makes me feel how much God love us unconditionally, he so deeply loves us.

I am in love and it is so deep, so overwhelmingly flowing from me even though my partner is half way across the world. I see how God is helping me to let go of every last little bit I have been clinging to. Anyone or anything I have been clinging to, he is forcing me to greater surrender and dependence on him alone.

My love is expanding, my sexuality is raising up and that love is emanating in and all around me. My love for God is becoming like that of a lover, but also as a father and mother who are always by my side.

The consciousness is here. Enlightenment is here. It is now. Look at humanity over100 years. Watch a child now sitting at her computer surfing the net and ask her a question and tell me we are not an elightened humanity. Don't get me wrong, there is a lot of darkness and unconsciousness which is prevalent on the planet. The point is there is a conscious shift we need to make from dark to light. Prayer is a good way to ask, to intend to be part of the shift and to let mother earth know you will move forward with her instead of against her. But this involves taking responsibility for our actions and acting for life, instead of against it. Once we start to wake up, we want to make better choices, it happens naturally. I can hardly throw out a plastic bag anymore. Something inside me is changing at an alarming rate. I feel that I am being overhauled, worked on, worked over and remodeled into something entirely new. It's incredibly painful and uncomfortable and there have been many days where I literally hid under the covers and not wanted to get out. The issues that are coming up are so deep and so scary, the thought of going into my heart and feeling them is incredibly daunting. Sometimes I feel that once I open up I may never be able to get out of the thick shit I have been storing up for who knows how long, or maybe not knowing how to deal with it.

Wanting to be in ceremony and around other spiritual people is prevelant and the idea of community, whatever that means, has been coming to mind. A lot of people are telling me that this new shift has to do with shifting away from doing things on our own. The new way is to join in harmony with others, to work together, to join as one heart, one mind.

Spontaneous bouts of joy and freedom is a large part of the awakening process. The peace and comfort of knowing that I am completely free from all pain, dillusion, confusion and sorrow. I am free in myself. My medicine is in my heart and my temple is wherever I go. Sitting for meditation in the morning is easy and even just a few moments focusing on my breath is bringing me to a place where I have felt that I am dancing in the stars.

I would love to hear about your experiences. Please share them as it helps us to relate to one another. We are all so busy and I am intending to take the time to experience what is happening here, together. Many people have shared with me similar experiences to what I have described and I always find it deeply inspiring to hear that I am not alone.

Signs you are ascending

I received this list from a spiritual teacher of mine which relates some corresponding
signs many of us may have been experiencing with the new shift in energy on the planet.
Can you relate to any of the following?

 

Changes you may be experiencing

1.    Sleep patterns change

2.    Crown chakra opening, causing itching, tingling, electrical
sensations on the top of your head

3.    Waves of emotion, crying, laughing... this is a release of blocked
emotions and can be coming from the heart chakra. Acknowledge and release
these blocks as they arise, you are cleaning things from your past.

4.    Old issues keep coming back and you feel lost. Don't over analyze
the issues that arise. Accept what comes then release it. This is cleansing
and you will find your way forward. You are never lost.

5.    Your body changes. Don't feel panic or upset if you lose or gain
weight. Your whole body and spirit is changing. This will settle down when
old issues are dealt with. Your vibration is rising as you surrender.

6.    Your senses have increased sensitivity. You may hear your name
called, voices and sounds. You may also begin to see sparkles of light,
shadows, lights, movements, auras around objects. Your five senses are
being fine tuned, your sixth sense is opening. The lights, shadows and voices are
those of spirit and your guides. Thank them but lay down grounds, you are
always in charge.

7.    You begin to view the whole world and all that it supports in a new
way, a new understanding. Be compassionate and loving to all things. You
are feeling what truly 'is'. Go with the flow. Trust.

8.    You desire to break free from old habits and restrictive patterns.
Do it! Release the old so you may be filled with the new. Set yourself free
and trust in love.

9.    Synchronicity increases. Synchronistic events increase as you are
being shown you are on the right path. Number sequences, meetings,
pictures, visions flow in your direction.  These coincidences have great meaning and
tie in with your thoughts.

And know that you are not alone in your awakening...

Past relations

I coulda been in tune wit ma self...but I was in tune wit somebody else.

boundaries

Boundaries can equal love. Love for ourself and others.
We sometimes feel that when we create a space or draw a line with others, that it may aggravate or hurt them and make them not feel love. Boundaries is love.
It sets up a space where when we feel good and happy in ourselves, nothing can penetrate our space or upset us. We can listen to people and hear what they are saying, but it does not mean we need to take on the pain of others, even if we are seemingly the cause.

All upsets always leads back to the center, back to us.

My head is throbbing and my heart is hurting right now. I am a sensitive being.
I absorb the pain, suffering and anger of others unconsciously because I am attached to what
they are saying or feeling, it triggers something in me. It hurts me because it makes me feel, "how dare they treat me that way." But if I am at the center of myself, it can only affect me if I resonate with what they are saying to me. If what they are telling me or yelling does not resonate, I have the choice to pick it up or leave it. Sometimes what people are going through, has nothing to do with us even if the situation may seem that way.

Why are we so afraid to be still and be with ourselves. Why is it a big mystery about who we are? Why don't we know ourselves? Do we love ourselves? Do we hold ourselves and tell ourselves that we are beautiful, perfect and doing a good job or do we wait for someone to tell us and what if they never do? It can leave us feeling unloved and unappreciated. But what if we took it upon ourselves to claim responsibility for how we felt and what our reality was. What if we can walk around always feeling full and always feeling like a prince or princess. Because in reality, we are God's and Goddess's.

I want to listen to others. I also want boundaries of what I will and will not accept in my reality.
So much of my energy has been tied up in the past, in the pain and the resentment and it has not left me much room to give back to myself. Why not let the blessings in, why not receive what I know I deserve?
I deserve better. I deserve good things, good people, love, happiness, abundance.

My boundaries need to start resonating from within me, so deeply that getting to a point of affirming my boundaries aloud is only an occasional thing. I should be affirming my boundaries to myself, inwardly and aloud. I am not willing to be a punching back and I am reclaiming my lost energies, tied up in other people to direct now back into my own life, to acheive the good I now accept. Setting our boundaries affirms to others that it is ok for them too to be powerful, clear and content in themselves. It may be tough at first and others will challenge these boundaries but stand firm and calm. When we stand up for what we need it does not conflict with others. We can't teach anybody this and if they don't have boundaries, you will be a good teacher just by your own inner example.

I truly love you unconditionally and I offer you that by setting my boundaries here and now.

the shift is already here

Last night as I was waiting for the bus home, I held one of my blue crystals in between my two palms. As I massaged it, I could feel the energy that began to pour from it, out and across my body. I felt an expansion in my heart and mind and it didn't even matter to me anymore that it was cold and the bus would be another 20 min.

I got onto the bus and continued to be in this state of being, a really peaceful state. After I sat down I noticed how person after person walked by the open seat beside me. Who would sit down next to me I wondered.

As I held my crystal, deep, healing sounds started quietly re-verberating out of me. It sounded like I was humming, but it was more like a chant without words. I closed my eyes and continued to quietly sing this healing song. When I opened my eyes there was an Indian man with a turban sitting beside me. He must have been in his 60's and he had a long beard. He didn't look at me when I turned to look at him.

I continued to hum as the noisy bus continued on it's long winding route towards my home. The song continued and I began to notice that the man beside me was humming along. At one point I stopped singing completely to hear whether or not he was still singing. He continued on with the song  in the same melody I had been chanting, repeating it over and over. This went on for awhile as we both starred straight ahead, humming this deep soul sounds. Joy filled my heart, I felt warm rush over my body. No one seemed to notice with the loud noise of the bus and everyone being connected into their Ipod, phone or laptop. It was just this stranger and me, singing together and this loving energy that was so strong it just took us both over. When his stop came, he stood up and I turned to look at him for the first time. He smiled and gave me a little wave as he walked off. No words were exchanged but something beautiful and sacred had just taken place and we both felt it. Maybe others did too, but I'm not quite sure.

Virgin

My grandma is trying to turn me into the virgin Mary.
From my powder blue, borrowed old lady night gown, to the holy salt scattered across the head board
and now the 11pm no friends curfew. What kind of lesson am I learning living at my grandma's at 27-years-old?
There is nothing to worry about because I definitely won't be getting up to any kind of "trouble" as long as I'm living under her roof.