E-mail to my lover

Hi Babe

sometimes its hard to be in the city wow

Its like walking amogst sleep walkers

I dont wanna walk with them like the living dead

I gotta be more focused and together than the average zombie right

I wanna do God's will

Its funny cuz sometimes i feel like i dont wanna do anything

I dont care about anything

its like I know the end goal

but I gotta do some shit here

I know being in the drama and not of it is the highest discipline

I am learning

sometimes I feel like I know so little

I want to walk on this earth free

you know

love you

I am

I am giving what God is giving through me

I am receiving what God is giving me

I trust. I am faith and love

I wanna

My hand moves

my heart trembles

a cloud of smoke carries my prayers to the creator

my feet step over and over on mother earth

I knock on the sky every morning and evening

calling to God in my heart as I wash the dishes

I am a crystal gazer

star child

a rainbow sundancer

a woman of the desert

I paint from the stars

I pray to the moon

I am indigo

I love who I am

I am the most beautiful girl I know

I am a rainbow light worker

Lessons on the journey from the Philippines back to Vancouver

Attend to yourself first - before helping children or others - China Airlines


Be Clear - Be You - 7-UP


If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything - Sucker Punch


You have a choice to be happy or sad. And I choose to be happy, so I'm happy. - The Tree

SELF CONTROL - Taxi bumper sticker

Travels

Albequerque, New Mexico 

A random guy "A real Indian" he called himself

The spiral

Last night my sister, Christina and I sat up until 3am talking. She just graduated highschool and she is going through her first major life crisis; trying to figure out what to do for a career.  She feels lost in making the decision of what to study and at which school but the real fear comes from making the wrong decision.

After getting down to the bones, the words "I'm just sick of being poor" came out of her. Her feeling was that her money situation was limiting her options and choices. I tried to explain to her that most kids don't have $40,000 sitting in their bank accounts nor do most of their parents and that money should never dictate her decision making. We ended up going outside and having a tobacco to pray together for some clarity and direction for these very important decisions that needed to be made.

As I was walked the dog earlier today, I reflected on last night's conversation. I thought about Tina's comment about being poor as taking to mean she was classifying my father as poor since he is her care giver. It's funny because since arriving in Vancouver, I have really been looking on my father as a wealthy man. My living the last eight months in a more remote part of the Philippines,  away from the luxuries Vancouver has to offer has obviously given me a new perspective on my old life. It makes me sad that my sister feels poor. I see the small but beautiful home she lives in, a fridge full of food, her own computer in her room and a closet full of nice new clothes. Not to mentions the beautiful abundant garden in the backyard full of green vegetables, a washer and dryer, bathtub with hot running water and to top it all off, electricity 24 hours a day. Wow.

The fact that society has convinced my intelligent and sharp minded sister that she is poor, is really a sad thing. To have all kinds of things and be in debt, is that really wealth.  I see that she is not the only one who has been brainwahsed into this kind of thinking. Sorry to get a little heavy here but I canot deny the things I am seeing. From my own experience, my awakening to this system happened shortly after leaving the city for an extended period. There was sufficient time for my body and mind to detox from the poison society had subtly injected into my body and mind. If our minds were not conditioned to buy and constantly seek happiness outside ourselves, we would start to turn inwards and discover how much power we actually have. Like I said before, I don't know whether to build a career or a bomb shelter.

I'm thinking a lot about how wonderful it would be to be living on our own family land and to wake up every morning and know that the day would be spent doing what you love, caring for your garden, your family and living a natural life. You can drink the water and know that it is clean and full of life and you can gather food from the garden you cared for.

I woke up yesterday morning wondering what I was doing back in Vancouver sleeping on my dad's couch. Especially since I have a beautiful oceanside home in Palawan and a partner that I am in love with. I couldn't help but feel hard on myself and a bit like I was going backwards. Why the hell am I here, right back in society again?

After meditating, I am feeling more centered and solid in myself. I am here pursuing a vision, my calling to complete a project I started two years ago. "The Quest", a documentary about my personal vision quest and the teachers who catapulted my life and the message to Earth at this time. I am feeling the guidance and pull to get it out there, now at this time. I get the sense that by sharing our personal stories and struggles, somehow we can inspire eachothers own journeys too. I'm intending to focus my energy on the upward spiraling energy and to keep from the downward pull of "poor me" and "I can't".

I want to say that right now I'm homeless but I have a roof over my head. I want to say that I'm peniless but my cosmic father owns everything and being his daughter, so do I. I want to say I'm all alone because my partner is back in the Philippines but I am surrounded with love and protection, visible and invisible.

Once again this crazy Gemini has been uprooted and allowed her heart to pull her to the other side of the world. I trust that as I take steps, the right thing will unfold for me, as it always does. My dad says it's an answer to prayers having me here right now to help my sister transition into her new school and life. I pray for her a lot and for the best thing to come about.

Now I am intending to manifest a video camera as it seems that my life has become a very interresting story

On the road again

I'm currently in Salt Lake City, Utah. Oh man.

Just finished Sundance one day ago. Fasting and praying, no food or water (except a few sips on the third day) in the desert of South Dakota, over 90 degrees with 200 other people praying and calling on God. A vortex, a vortex of rainbow energy. Every race and color; red, black, white, yellow, all of us dancing in unison as brothers and sisters of Earth. Feeling my mother's soft face on my bare feet, felt like a dream. There was one point where I looked up to the blue sky to see a huge circle that had formed above the sundance circle, made of thick clouds. I wondered for a moment whether I was dancing in heaven or on earth, the line was thin. The energy was spiraling and my consciousness faded in and out from mind to spirit.
Dragon flies, 30 or 40 of them, flying above and all around us, breaking the illusion and helping us cross into the spirit world for those sacred four days.

Rise - 4:30am,  Sweat Lodge - 5am , Greet the Sun -6am, Pray, fast, dance 6am-5pm, Sweat 5:30pm
Sleep. Sundancers, Sundancers, it's time to wake up and greet the day, Repeat. Let go. Tell the mind to frick off.

It was beyond human words....beautiful, humbling, extraordinary, a dream, a vision, one of the most intensely difficult things I have ever experienced. I was in tears the first day of fasting, seeing how God and my beautiful friends brought me here. Life is so beyond my understanding. I feel humble, like a baby. I walked in to the circle thinking I knew something, alot, even a little, I know nothing.

One day after Sundance, I am on my way across country to California. Every state I cross is like entering a new cuntry with it's unique beauty and scenery. Driving through this open country with expansive sunsets, stretching mountains, miles of trees, stretching rivers, red cliffs, deep gorges, golden meadows, lightning storms and desert stretches.

I arrived in Salt Lake city today and hit up the local Whole Foods to get some nutrition in my pathetically skinny body. As I walked through the large shopping complex, I started to feel very sad.  I hid my teary eyes under my green sun glasses, excused myself and waited outside while my friend continued to shop.. My heart was expanded at the Sundance and I could feel and see things so clearly. The emptiness of this silly material world, all people want to do is shop, to fill the void. Avoiding what is obvious and inevitably going to come to an end. Mother earth is so hurting from our mis-use of her life energy, her resources. So much packaging and plastic shit we don't need. Plastic bags to bag the plastic covered food. Walk into Wal-mart and you can find 1 million things you don't need. Living my simple life in the Philippines away from mainstream society has made me very sensitive, oh so sensitive.
Well. I am going to be here a little longer, going to spend a week with my father and sisters in California so I am en route there with my friend from Sundance. I hope I see you soon and maybe one time, you wanna take a drive across country here in the US.

Much to write, much to share. Soon, soon

Ommmmmm shanti