There is so much harmony flowing through Laurelwood

I'm finally starting to love it here at Laurelwood and now I'm leaving. I'm heading to Ananda Pune in India in less than 3 weeks. It's scary and exciting but mostly it's scary right now.

When I arrived here at the Portland Ananda community on March 28, 2012, I had more than my fair share of  fears, trepidation and the normal anxiety. The idea of communal living and abandoning my daily freedom, this was a hard concept to grasp. My heart, delicate and sensitive when I arrived, harshly judged many things about this place and the people living here. They are not saints, is what I concluded, but what was I expecting?  I see now that it was very difficult for me to immediately open my heart to everyone. I knew I would be here for awhile and what if I didn't like what was going on? This was the final road for me, there was nothing else,  I had tried everything and it was all dead ends. If this didn't work, I was lost.

I was  resistant to so readily accept everything I was being fed. I felt hurt many times because I believed that others opinions directly reflected the community's views and ideals. Since I felt many of them were not in sync with my own beliefs, it left me feeling alienated and isolated. But I see now that people are just people. We are so full of our own beliefs, that sometimes it's even hard just to hear another person and what they think about life.  In a way it has been absolutely ground breaking and earth shattering here at Laurelwood, or maybe just ego shattering. To be here alone with 30 other people on 55 acres. Running a community in the first year of it's birth with our leaders living off property. Now that is a task. It has been a wild ride here at Laurelwood.

So many crazy habits and old ways of being, hurts, pains, emotions, fears; all dragged in from the world. Each one of us bringing a myriad of experiences shaping the way we see and go about life. But the undercurrent is the belief and practice of the love and devotion which comes from our spiritual path, driving the whole thing forward.  Not to mention all the beauty, kindness, self offering, servicefulness and willingness to get up each and every day to do what needs to be done next. I feel like an absolutely different person from the day arrived. I still have my old coat and boots in the back of the closet, which I have never put back on I must mention.

My attachment to myself and life as I thought it should be is slowly crumbling off like an old skin of a tree. I am watching something beautiful emerge from this whole experience and it has nothing to do with achievements though I have many to show from the months of being here in the daily flow. Things flow smoothly here, most of the time, when we are all synced up. It's incredible to watch how every single day, exactly what we need appears. Even just making dinner in the kitchen, when we start with a prayer it's almost like this amazing thing that happens when the dinner is ready on time always the same everyday. We are always in awe at how just the right person shows up to help when we need help or we find a random ingredient for a recipe and no one knows exactly where it came from. Laurelwood has slowly and sneakily crept itself into my heart and become my home.I so callously guarded myself from the possibility of these people becoming my family, but they have become just that. I see now that it was fear. Fear of attachment, of loss, of love, of happiness and fear of  light.  There has been so much bliss in this little bubble of a place, it's kind of a miracle there are not more people living here right now. But I strongly believe that one day there will be.

My life has become a flow that is being taken over by something much larger than myself. My life is being lived in a way that is way more meaningful and fulfilling than anything I could of every thought for myself. Money, career; all these seemed so primary for me when I arrived here. God bless Daiva, our co-spiritual director, for how patient he was with me as I complained about the music, the schedule, the lack of feminine energy, the long work days and on and on. He was so damn patient with me, as if he'd never heard it before. I'll never forget his first response to my sniffling and nagging, "then move to Polestar". (A community of equal caliber but based in Hawaii) I have had the pleasure of being mentored and in the company of, frankly, world class people. I am talking in terms of strength, wisdom, talent, creativity, intellect, grace and intuition. What is happening here at Laurelwood is a small but extraordinarily large miracle. There is so much harmony flowing through Laurelwood.

I am finding out more and more about myself  here and it is not who I thought I was. I am finding out that the more I let go of  "me", the happier I am becoming. I can actually say that I am happy. I can say that. This is a miracle that one day will hold a great significance. I just came from gardening and planting some new snap peas in our little green house out in the garden today. Spending time with Sharon, Jacob and Aumkara feeding and nourishing these little plants. It was so simple, but brought me a lot of inner joy. The simple things seem to be the only things worth living for. I am convinced that this will be the way of the future, community is the only way to go, to grow.

I wanted to share this because I am leaving soon on a 3 month trip to visit an Ananda community in Pune, India. I have been feeling a bit torn that I am going. I finally love it here at Laurelwood and I'm leaving?
I had to analyze and scrutinize myself to make sure this was the right decision.  Not some self created technique for escaping myself or committing wholeheartedly. A fellow bramacharini happened to mention to me today: "You know the vow you committed to, no attachment to people, places or things. Why do you think it is that you are leaving now that you are suddenly feeling comfortable".  She reminded me that I recently took renunciate vows in October. Maybe sometimes when we are too comfortable, we stop growing?

Just like those little snap peas with strings holding them up for support while they gain traction, I required just that. Though the training and disciplines weren't always gentle, it was what I needed. In fact, it has been one of the most difficult things I have ever done. And all it was was just facing myself. I have a deep feeling of peace and gratitude for the time I have spent here and I know that I will carry Laurelwood in my heart while I am gone. The blessing is having this place here and knowing I can return. I would be absolutely lost without it. I am deeply, deeply indebted and grateful to the founders, participants, creator of and affiliates of Ananda Center at Laurelwood and all I can do is humbly say: Thank you.  And to my guru and Paramatman (the supreme soul) for guiding me here, Jai!

Coming back

I'm amazed at how far from myself I can get. It's absolutely astounding. It can go on for weeks, months, maybe even a year and a half? It's crazy, ever since I left the Philippines one and a half years ago, I have been  out of myself. I have been trying to get somewhere, do something, to make something of myself. All in all, I have been DOING. The Philippines was a place for being and all the while, I was anxious and restless there because I wanted to do.

Tonight after sitting in meditation, it came to me so clearly, I am always trying to get somewhere else. Where is the next place, what is the next thing. In between the destinations, the journey, I literally go blank or unconscious. It is really hard to say but it seems to be the truth. What happens in the slow, quiet moments in between "stuff" seems like a lot of shit happens that I just cannot slow down enough to be present for. It is so easy for things to go sideways when we are not completely and fully present with every thought, word, gesture and interaction with others. It's easy by myself. When I am alone, I have so much fun. I paint, I dance, I listen to music, I do savasana. I don't judge myself. When I get with others, I act crazy. I act crazy because I act like someone else, I don't act like myself. I get thrown off my center and I let the way others act and speak to me, influence how I feel about myself. Too much and too long now. I don't think it's always been like this but just since I got hurt. I got hurt young when I lost my first friend, my first best friend. When time and time again people left, situations changed, people hurt me, I hurt people. I had a hard time acco epting that things change. I have had a hard time letting go. I have had a hard time forgiving. Myself and others. It's hard to move forward when we can't forgive.

When I left my partner in the Philippines to come to the US last August, it broke my heart. I didn't realize it. I hit the ground running when I arrive to Vancouver because I had to. I had to find a house, get a phone, make money and do something with myself. So I enrolled in film school, something I had always wanted to do but never felt the luxury of time or money. I made it happen, it manifested. But the way it happened, everything in between, the cold lonely nights, the early morning bus rides, the hungry afternoons, was it all worth it?
I cannot tell you right now because I don't know.
I will tell you this though, that everything in between. That is life. That's life.
The way I think it should be or aught to have been, what I always thought my life would have been, didn't happen. It's not real. It doesn't matter. I go and I move and I do things and things move and change constantly but I always end up at the exact same place. Back here, with me. Same person, same situation and when I write, I know I am back. I am a writer. That is who I am. I write, I make films, I create. This is who I am. When I stop doing those things, something feels unnatural.

Did I have to give up my partner, my home, my life, all my belongings to figure out why I was here and who I was? I don't know, maybe? Maybe not. But I did.

I am heading to India in three weeks for an epic journey that has no definitions or parameters. I am open. The only things I know is when I arrive, Jan 16th and when my flight is scheduled to depart, April 16th. 3 months. In between, I do not know. Currently, I am surrendering. I want to get lost. I want to lose myself, in love, in bliss, in essence. In just being me. I want to feel who this girl is, apart from influence or ideas or doing. I want to just be. I have allowed too many people to influence me, to affect me and to shut me down. I have given people that power. I want to gain responsibility for my life now. I am calling back my lost energy. I am re-gaining my power in my connection with something greater.

I can't help myself but create things when I get still. I have a lot of energy, what can I say. Especially when I am not in relationships. I'm leaving to India and I am even creating a fundraising project right before going http://claritycreative.blogspot.com/. I can't help myself, sometimes I feel as if I will go insane with creativity. I feel so happy to be opening up this way. I have been hiding. Hiding myself here at Ananda. Afraid to be who I really am. Trying my very best to fit in and be who i think I should be. What's wrong with me? Why do I get teased constantly that I am a rebel and I should get candy coal for Christmas? I wonder sometimes. I feel that maybe it's time to stop looking outside for reassurance and for approval. I approve of myself. I love myself and this is going to be the best damn time of my life. And if it's not, then at least I know myself a little more and I can finally settle down. I wonder if I am not running again, but at least I am conscious this time. And I still feel the guidance to go. I have told her, God, if you don't want me to go, stop me.
I'm so happy to be back and I was totally inspired by reading my friend Pilgrim Girl's blog. Thank you sister. Every bit of presence and slowing down can bring so much healing to us and others. Being a woman means being in the heart. Let us now remember to come back to this place of stillness and feeling. This is who we are. All of us. Not just women. The planet and the dark forces seek to confuse and entangle us. Let us be stronger by holding light and love strong. It can never tear us down so long as we call upon the higher power for strength. Jai Guru. Jai Ma

just enjoy

Anything and everything is available to me. There is nothing I can't have. I could choose to eat anything I wanted, I could buy anything, if I really wanted it. I can travel to India, the Philippines, Japan, Europe, anywhere. But what happens when you know you have everything? It just doesn't feel so exciting anymore. There is a calmness about it and even a dispassion. I am seeing in my life how God provides in the most mysterious of ways. She knows so much more than me. And to think that I'm just figuring this out.

I notice that I tend to over complicate things, as if life had to be hard and it wouldn't be fair without a struggle. Why do I feel the need to struggle? Maybe watching others struggle and thinking it has to be that way. Working hard is part of manifesting but for me it has always been that if I really want something, I just focus my mind on the thing. I want to manifest $5,000 so I focus on manifesting 5g's. I don't focus on the reality of it because the reality of the situation. If I focused on that it would be that I am a Canadian citizen living in the countryside of Oregon with no car and no job. Outwardly, it doesn't seem too plausible to make much money. But for me there are infinite amounts of possibilities. Such as, I believe in myself to be a great creator and a great artist. So the only natural thing for me to do is sell my artwork. My artwork is basically selling myself because it is what comes straight from within out onto the canvas. It has taken years to build confidence to actually sell work because my insecurities about myself personally created blocks. Recently, more and more people are contacting me about artwork and it is a very mysterious thing. Being an artist as well as doing business is a lot of fun because the amount of profit I can create directly applies to the amount of focused energy I put out. It is an amazing way to push every single limit I have as well as to expose many cracks in the pot. Anyhow, I'm not sure what I'm going on about but it feels good to talk about.

I just landed here in Vancouver this afternoon and I'm enjoying kicking back for once. It's a struggle not to just continuously work. Even relaxation takes effort. :) Anyhow, enjoy yourself.

Art for India - My latest project

http://claritycreative.blogspot.com/

Just be

I finally got my room set up, my home and now I have to go. For the first time in at least two years, I am sleeping on my own bed. I have my paintings up on my wall. I have a wardrobe. I am incredibly grateful for everything I have, no matter how small. Vitamins, water, sheets, daily meals. Being in the road these past few years had made me grateful for the stability and peace that comes with staying still. Growing up with very little has also made me so incredibly appreciative for things that others just think as common. Right now, I am just so grateful for my bed. This trip to India started to become overwhelming today because it's like, once again, I'm moving. The gypsy blood, Daiva calls it. After this last trip to Vancouver, I'm finally starting to understand why it is so beneficial to just be happy where we are. Everyone keeps telling me how jealous they are and how lucky I am to get to go on a trip to India. Am I? I really am seeing it differently right now. I have had the unfortunate or fortunate karma of having pretty much anything I focus on manifest. I think this must be a common thing for yogis since magnetism is built through meditation. The unfortunate part is a lot of times I have wanted things that pretty much took me backward. Or so it felt. But I'm learning. I'm learning that material gifts and wealth are not always a blessing. Because if you have the option to do whatever you want, your going to do just that. It takes incredible atunment and discipline to tune in your will with the divine's will. I am grateful right now for spiritual gifts. For meditation, for yoga, for Laurelwood and the countryside. Thank God.

If you read my last blog you probably noticed I was a bit bitter after 9 days in the city. Man, that place will just zap the energy right out of you. Not only that but I told my friend today I spent 9 days with my family and he was like "what, I would never do more than 3 days, 3 max with the family". He is right. 9 days was too much. I mean 9 days with anyone is too much. But you know how it is with family. Anyways. I love them. Another thing I am realizing I need gratitude for is my health. I never had any health problems, including any back problems. Recently, my back is aching. I have no idea why but it is right at the lower spine. I have a feeling the sexual energy has built up there and is creating some imbalance which is pulling on my lower spine. Just a thought, I'm not really sure. It feels so good to be home and to rest. Man, it is such a huge lesson for me just to listen to that inner still voice. Like today is Sunday and I was gonna go bust a move in town and get more work done, even though I was completely exhausted from travelling all day yesterday. When I am not in a relationship, I have this pattern of just working, working, working. But at least it's doing something I love; art and film. It's weird because this whole month, all I wanted to do was paint and explore art. But then I felt that making money for India was important so I focused on selling art instead of making more and new art. It's weird how life is. Always doing something to get somewhere else? Do you find that? I really want to tune in these next couple weeks and be really present because it's a big time. No more forcing myself. No more straining. Time to surrender into life instead of trying to beat it into place. Tonight I will sleep peacefully. I am figuring out finally that I am not perfect and I can't keep trying. Ow my back. It feels good to let go of trying to beat myself into perfection. Just being. Just be. Just to be me.

1:11

It's absolutely incredible that thinking of others, opens the door for me to be taken care of myself.

Not trying or wanting, opens the doors for everything I need to easily flow to me. When I am not concerned for myself but for the welfare of all, everyone around me opens the doors for me to be cared for.

The silent God above is silently and lovingly providing for every single one of my needs.

I'm not sure if it is just me but something absolutely terrifying and incredibly amazing is transpiring on Earth right now. I am experiencing waves of absolute fear and worry in combination with complete trust in life and bliss. The days are fast approaching as we near Dec 21st, 2012. What does it all mean?
It is hard to know but what I am experiencing over this past weekend is the deep inward message that we are shifting to another dimension. What I am experiencing is profound and clear revelations, an enlightening of the old and deeply en-grained, unworkable habits that were taught to me by those I love. The things I so deeply treasured and believed as true, are completely false and unworkable in my life.

Tonight I told myself and the universe, I am ready to shift. I am ready to let that old shit go. What is the shit? The shit is the belief that life is a struggle.
Life is happy, joyful and something to be daily celebrated. Just because those around me believe that life is hard, money is a struggle, abundance is scarce, you have to do what you hate to scrape by. All these beliefs are fine but they are not my beliefs or my experience. I tried for years to adopt those old beliefs as my own feelings. I felt that because they struggled, I couldn't be happy and free. But I never associated my consciousness with those limits of beliefs, with that reality. I mean I did outwardly but inwardly it never felt true.

My reality is that money manifests. Especially when my attention is focused on worthy goals and on God. That any amount I need will easily come when my mind is focused and calm. That serving others and God is a worthy and noble way to live and thus it is ok to enjoy the pleasures and gifts that come with that. Including enjoying wealth in a responsible and generous way that includes those around me and those in need. Seeing that God, Jesus is in every person we see that is needy and he is wondering if I will pass him by or stop to help. I do not agree with spending money frivolously on Christmas or any other unnecessary thing. Money is a gift, a flow and should be used with wisdom, discretion and control. There are so many who need help at this time and whether or not we believe someone deserves it or not, we have a responsibility to help. I am all for giving around Christmas time, giving to a worthy cause. Giving to those who truly need it. It's 1:11am and I know I am in the right place at the right time. Now I can sleep soundly.