Opening up

I've been totally unable to blog for awhile, I've been going super deep. I would like to say it's because I'm getting so blissed out, which part of the time, is true. It's an intense trip here at the Laurelwood community and living out in the countryside with 30 others who are intensely seeking God, is to bound to stir some things up. People are so attuned here that the least deviation in anything but truth and light is like a fire alarm going off in the midst of a peaceful setting, you can't hide. I wanted to share a bit of the process I am experiencing here.

I’m shattering like glass amidst the heat of the fire. All my insecurities, bad habits, wrong thinking, judgmental tendencies and past trauma is being heated and boiled like hot oil. It burns. 

Letting go of people and the attachment to them personally is the biggest thing I am experiencing right now. Seeing that everything that is coming to me through others is coming from God. In this, lies the freedom to be truly friends with people, knowing that we are whole and complete in ourselves and can share from that place. It is very difficult for me sometimes because I love people so much, that’s why I get hurt so easily. I have always held deep compassion and care in my heart for others since I was a little girl. So when I would meet someone magnetic, beautiful, kind, I would offer my heart so fully in the hopes to loose myself in that love. Unfortunately, every time I did this, I got burned, because the love was imperfect, attached, not unconditional and thus, it ended. My last relationship was so painful to end because the love was so high and spiritualized, yet subtly still became attached because I saw the love I was receiving from him, rather than the divine love. I only pray that I can have the wisdom to carry those lessons forward with me.

I’m doing my best here to accept, but at the same time I am completely closed off to the idea of letting “me” go. I like myself, in fact, just this last year have I really finally felt like I even loved myself. Now I have to give it all up and give myself mindlessly away to whatever is asked of me. This is the perception of my mind in regards to community and what that entails. Today severe trauma is surfacing. I have been traumatized by the world and the pain that is in each and every one of us. We have been hurt so many times, we have hurt so many times. I feel the pain of others, and it sometimes makes me cry. Much of the time it seems when we hurt people it is totally unintentional, we didn’t mean to say certain things, but they just slip out. My ego came in so strong yesterday. I tried to hide it for about two weeks and finally, after a grilled cheese sandwich, it just went nuts. I was crying, and ranting and I wanted to leave, to go anywhere.

I have felt stifled, my creativity untapped and unused. I’m not having sex, I can’t even talk about that subject here and I’m not doing art, the energy is just eating me up. Yesterday I did some sketching and a bit of painting and that definitely helped a lot.

I have shut myself in my room today and am refusing to leave this morning. I have been out of myself for so long, afraid to open up and be around other people. Really be me. Instead when I’m around others I am me, but closed off, protected, guarded with full fortress. Probably why I like to be alone so much. I have been way to open and hurt so many times as a child, including very early in life when my mother when into depression after my birth. That energy rubbed off on me, a little sensitive being. Why did I choose to come into this life with such trauma?

 I am exhausted, physically and I’m not even sure why. It is this perpetual exhaustion that no amount of sleep can rid me of. My spine has felt weird and uncomfortable, on fire, my eyes are heavy from constant crying the past three days. I have a friend here so deeply sensitive that he can feel my energy shift when I hear footsteps all the way down the hall. For me the approach of people, is fear, is the possibility that I will be hurt. I am in constant flight mode, totally afraid of what will happen. I have been hiding, hiding my sensitive darling self from the world and that’s why I came here. I need to remain focused on my process as I was lost in the process of others here for almost three weeks. Caring about the thoughts and opinions of others was a dangerous trap in which I was reminded that I was feeding myself bad food, bad energy. I just need to love and nurture me for a while so I can be strong enough and full enough to spill over to others. I can only be me.

My good friend here calls me the princess. It’s funny because I told him I feel like royalty, because I know it is my birthright to be part of my father’s kingdom. My task now is to bring that strength into every day and never sway no matter who or what is put in my path. I suppose if I stop struggling, I won’t suffer so much. But then, my ego says, what would be left for me to do if there was no pain or struggle. Maybe, just maybe I could finally be happy! It sounds like a possibility.