I’m on the Amtrak train, headed to Ananda, Portland. It’s surreal. I have all my things on this train and a couple boxes on the way. As I sit here, I commit to myself that I will give this 6 months. I will give this a fair chance. I tell myself that I can let go now, this is my chance to finally let go. I will be in a safe place to go deep and to become entranced in the energy. The last few days leaving Vancouver were a whirl of energy, bliss, emotion, transcendence, pain and pleasure. I was so high in God the last few days, every slow opportunity I just close my eyes and get lost in this feeling. No one knows what is going on inside of me, I can’t explain it. Who am I anymore? The way things flowed to get me here, I can’t explain how many miracles and doors opened, everything went smooth, effortless. I am being pulled to this community against my will. My mind questions what the daily routine will entail, will I have the freedom I need to be creative, but really, I don’t even care because I know this is just the outward form of what is inwardly taking place in me right now. I am waking up, and I am about to lose my mind.
Saying goodbye to all my family in friends yesterday, almost entirely in one day, could have been an intense feeling, but the energy was so strong flowing through me, all I felt was bliss. I did receive a call from Jo that made me cry, it was because he made me realize we are truly going our separate ways now. He brought me into my heart and helped me to recognize how much I am letting go. How much I need to let go. I need to go deep into this energy and let go of everything, I need to re-birth. I am a baby and it’s time to learn and start over again. I am making decisions that are good for this being now.
I fucked up a little this past weekend, but maybe it wasn’t entirely a mistake, I was experiencing an old painful habit, but this time, I really saw myself doing it. I guess that is a big step in the right direction. Being inside myself is very important and not letting the energy of other’s effect or throw me off. It’s a very big lesson. I’m not sure but I have a feeling the month of April is going to be quite intense energetically. March was incredibly powerful and full of growth, wasn’t it. I am starting to see people with deep compassion and sometimes I want to cry when I see how innocent people really are, just children. We have all made a very brave pact to the universe to be here on earth right now in time. It’s a very brave thing and each soul deserves respect. It doesn’t mean we have to hang out with those who are choosing chaos, but we can honor them in our own way.
What is in store for this little medicine woman. I have a feeling that letting go is going to allow me more than I have ever received before. I am afraid. I have to be honest, to let go of the world. I see that now, I can’t lie. I wonder what I will do if I don’t make movies. Can I just go a couple months and forget everything and just dive deep into the energy, the breath. This feeling in my heart is so intense and I met someone else this weekend who is at the exact similar place. He is very successful in the world at what he does but he has finally the pull to let it all go and go to a remote area to just be in the energy. He is feeling it is time to let go of the world. This is happening right now, there is something very big happening on our planet that I can’t full grasp but I feel the energy, and I must respond. It’s a fiery feeling in my heart, it’s fierce and is growing in intensity. I’m afraid what will come out of me if I surrender. I am afraid what will happen if I let go. Will I go insane?
There are some very ugly patterns the ego has and they seem to be presenting themselves very clearly lately. If this is what I am afraid to let go of then then that is actually the insanity. Fear is not real, the fear is my challenge, my test. I feel my body shutting down sometimes, like it wants to go into sleep mode, I feel this is how my body is handling the universal energy that is being downloaded. The Pleaidians say to be in tune with our emotion and our body, if we feel tired, we need to follow that feeling and let the vessel rest.
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