The other side of Yoga

It's amazing I was able to function normally after coming back to North America from Asia. It was a shock to my entire being, I only realize this now after reflecting back almost a year later. The complicated way we live here with so much more than we need and so many damn rules. There is a rule for everything here, it gets very tiring. Man is a free creature, naturally, but somehow society has convinced us that we have to live a certain way. For example we are conditioned we need to live in the city to survive and we believe the only option for living is in an apartment or a house, with a day job starting from 9am and ending at 5pm. But once you get out of the city mentality you see there are a million ways to live. We are always free to make this choice but we are so conditioned from our upbringing to live in this limited mind state, this is exactly what the illusion wants us to believe. If we knew we were free the system couldn't continue to survive off the mass consumption of city dwellers and the power would be distributed evenly rather than consilidated amongst a few ultra elite.

I love looking back at my old journals. It shows me where I have come from, where I've been and who I've become. Like tonight, I checked out a journal I had been writing last August when I arrived back to Vancouver from the Philippines. After living for 8 months on a tropical island in which I can only describe as paradise, in the most simplest and purest conditions imaginable. Jo and I were living on a modest monthly allowance that allowed us the freedom and ability to have everything we pretty much needed. I wasn't required to work or follow any rules, there was no system or society to abide by in the small beach town we lived in. Just complete freedom to do what I daily wanted to do. But in that, somehow, I found it incomplete or maybe it was just me, I felt incomplete. I think it's because I felt that I wasn't really using my energy to serve or share with the world in any way, I wasn't contributing. That is mostly why I started this blog while I was there, to keep my outlet with the oustide world least I fade away into perpetual beach bum mode and dissappear into the jungles.

When I arrived home from the Philippines in August 2011, I went to the bank for the first time in 2 years. Even the year previous, in 2010, being the owner of an all organic raw food cafe, I never owned a personal bank account. If I did, it never had any money in it. What's crazy is with all the things I've done and all I've owned, I've never had any money of my own. But I've always had EVERYTHING I needed when I needed it. So many times I looked upon myself as poor. Do you know what Paramahansa Yogananda's definition of wealth is? Having the ability to manifest at will what you daily need.


When I got back from the Philippines in August, I had -$5.25 in my bank account. I went in to change my pin number because I had forgotten it. I changed the password to love, in numbers and they gave me an immediate $15 credit for some inexplicable reason. I bought some fruit and bread with it. I had no cell phone, no money, no home. Here I was in my home city again, back to square one, again, after giving up everything one year earlier. Oh man, how many times have I given away everything and started all over. Depressing was not the word, but it was extremely difficult for sure.

I decided quickly that I had to do something and I decided I would go to film school, something I  had always wanted to do. I wrote an essay about my life, sent it to the Art Institute and was granted a $5,000 scholarship for the film program. I was approved for $20,000 in loans and immediately after decided I didn't want to be trapped in debt for several years of my life. After praying and meditating I was given an answer as to how to pay for the classes myself so I could keep my freedom. I was able to pay cash for the classes I wanted and I did that until December. I lived in the guest room of my grandmother's basement throughout the rainy, dark Vancouver winter. It was a trying and enlightening time in which I spent all my alone time on my yoga mat, with my crystals and on Skype crying to Jo, wondering if I had made the right decision to leave my tropical paraside of a home. It was a hard, dark and lonely winter in Vancouver. How or why I made it through, I can only give thanks to the Divine mother of the universe for getting me through that.  It was a time of facing myself and life, for the first time standing on my own two feet.

Everytime I really needed something, it showed up. A winter coat, boots, sweaters,blankets, socks, food, a ride, school money, bus money, headphones. It was all there everytime I needed it. In between I was blessed by meditations at the chapel and the occasional sweat lodge. I didn't see my friends much but when I did, I greatly appreciated it and I cherished the times we did have together. I was able to sit up all night in one teepee ceremony and also 2 days in a daime ceremony. I hung out with old friends, and I re-connected with a couple new friends that really blessed and enriched my world. It was such a painfully, bittersweet time there in Vancouver.

So many blessings and so many times of hardship. So many days where I had to really watch what I would eat because I had to make it last. Days when I would only have some lentils or boiled beans on plain rice, without any spices because I couldn't afford it. Days when I was working on my business plan, sick as a dog, no food in the fridge or bus fare to get around. But those days were few and I know it was nothing but a test because I was always blessed shortly after. Someone would show up and take me grocery shopping and pay the bill or hand me much needed money right at the time it was needed. Even the government paid me to go to school and paid for me to do spiritual work (they didn't know that part ).

Now after all that time, here I am, in my community, the thing I have craved most for years. Today, I felt free, I felt like I spent the entire day with a friend even though I was alone. It was because I decided to spend this Sunday with God. It was a really beautiful day.

Love attachment

Tonight through my good friend, Page, I learnt a valuable lesson. I saw that when one is attached, he can no longer help his friend because he is attached to what his friend may think of him, so he doesn't behave in a free way. The attachment binds him. If his friend needs firm love or to be told the truth, sometimes painful, the attached friend says nothing for fear of rejection or loss of his friends admiration. When I am free, I am free to be a channel for what actions and words the divine can bring through me, without my own mental blockages and thinking, I am free to be me. I reflected back to the many attached relationships I've had and how little room there was to be myself. I was too attached to what that person thought of me and at the end of the day, the relationship ended and I was left without them, and without myself. Investing all your gold in one person is risky business. The man or woman who is truly free is free in God, in thoughts, words and actions, seperating himself from the praise or blame of others alternating moods, likes and dislikes. I witness this through my good friend and mentor, Daiva, what you see is what you get. In God, he is free, he is unaffected by what people think and he is unstoppable in his quest for spreading light. I see now why God has removed me from so many of my relationships, when I couldn't understand why. He was teaching me non-attachment. The friend who truly loves does so unconditionally and freely. This love is not jealous but rejoices in the love and joy of his friend, with or without her physical prescence.

I am seeking he who plays the singing bowl of my heart.

22 beads

I was feeling drawn to have lapis lazulite, a beautiful deep blue stone. I looked up the meaning for it and it assists with opening the third eye and developing psychic abilities.

The day before I was preparing to leave Vancouver to come to Oregon, I visited a crystal shop and found two or three little beads made of lapis. The shop owner's daughter, a young woman, asked me if I would like her to make the two beads into earrings and that she could do it on the spot. I barely had $10 to my name but I had a friend with me who had just ordered some art prints from me that very morning, and she agreed to forward me the money. So I got these beautiful little lapis earrings and when I got home that evening, I couldn't wait to put them on to see how they felt.

When I tried the on, immediately I felt two active points in my jaw stimulated by where the beads hung and felt and energetic field created around my head. It was very tangible and never before had I experienced this kind of tangible resonance immediately from a crystal or stone. I loved those earrings.

Later that evening, I went to visit my grandma to say goodbye before leaving to Oregon. We had a deep and intimate connection through our willingness and openess to discuss our beliefs in a safe and supportive way. It was very beautiful.

As I sat at the table, I felt an inspiration to give the gift of the earrings to my grandmother. She left the table for a few minutes, as she was away, I struggled with the idea in my mind. I had just gotten these earrings less than 24 hours earlier and already I was giving them away. Was this just me repeating an old pattern, to give all my beautiful things away and then be left with nothing? Was this just me not being able to receive a gift for myself?

As I got still, I realized the earrings may have been made for my grandma and I was just delivering them. Also, it made me feel really good to think how happy my grandma would be to receive an unexpected gift from me, her grand daughter. I gave her the earrings and she put them on right away. They matched her blue eyes and she lit up when she put them on. Who knows what kind of perceptible shift these simple little stones would create in her life. I had to let go of the idea of getting another pair, there was no time before I was leaving, but I knew it would be ok.

When I arrived here at the community, I started to get to know a beautiful woman named Tushti. She is part Chipawa and she spent many of her years living in Hawaii. Her and her husband live here part-time but soon will be going to India to live and serve. They must be in their late 50's, early 60's but they are more magnetic than many people my age and they are just the coolest couple.

I opened up to Tushti about some personal things and immediately, she became like a sweet mothering, nurturing energy in my life. The other night, after a very intense emotional release and heart opening experience. I was feeling very clear, at peace and grounded in my own energy, a very rare and wonderful feeling. Tushti walked up to me after our community meeting had ended and before I knew what was happening, she gently took my wrist in her hand and placed on it a bracelet with many stones. "What is it"? I asked her. What I meant was "what kind of stones are they", knowing very well the answer. "Lapis. I feel this will help you", she said sweetly with her bright blue eyes looking clearly into mine.

I slowly and intentionally counted the beads, twenty two, twenty two lapis beads. Lighter colored and more suited to me than the darker lapis I had seen earlier. I had given two beads away and I had gotten back twenty two. I slept with the bracelet on that night and went to places in my dream time. How can I deny that divine mother is listening, watching, guiding my heart and every heart.

Aum, Peace

The veil lifts

Bliss, bliss, totally indiscribable to feel myself. To feel how I really feel, apart from what everyone else feels. I feel great. How many years have I been feeling what other's feel?

I give a little bit up to divine mother and see how she returns to me greater gifts than what I offered, times 1000. Little things today, so beautiful, that only she could know. She lets me know she is hear and she is listening.

Opening up

I've been totally unable to blog for awhile, I've been going super deep. I would like to say it's because I'm getting so blissed out, which part of the time, is true. It's an intense trip here at the Laurelwood community and living out in the countryside with 30 others who are intensely seeking God, is to bound to stir some things up. People are so attuned here that the least deviation in anything but truth and light is like a fire alarm going off in the midst of a peaceful setting, you can't hide. I wanted to share a bit of the process I am experiencing here.

I’m shattering like glass amidst the heat of the fire. All my insecurities, bad habits, wrong thinking, judgmental tendencies and past trauma is being heated and boiled like hot oil. It burns. 

Letting go of people and the attachment to them personally is the biggest thing I am experiencing right now. Seeing that everything that is coming to me through others is coming from God. In this, lies the freedom to be truly friends with people, knowing that we are whole and complete in ourselves and can share from that place. It is very difficult for me sometimes because I love people so much, that’s why I get hurt so easily. I have always held deep compassion and care in my heart for others since I was a little girl. So when I would meet someone magnetic, beautiful, kind, I would offer my heart so fully in the hopes to loose myself in that love. Unfortunately, every time I did this, I got burned, because the love was imperfect, attached, not unconditional and thus, it ended. My last relationship was so painful to end because the love was so high and spiritualized, yet subtly still became attached because I saw the love I was receiving from him, rather than the divine love. I only pray that I can have the wisdom to carry those lessons forward with me.

I’m doing my best here to accept, but at the same time I am completely closed off to the idea of letting “me” go. I like myself, in fact, just this last year have I really finally felt like I even loved myself. Now I have to give it all up and give myself mindlessly away to whatever is asked of me. This is the perception of my mind in regards to community and what that entails. Today severe trauma is surfacing. I have been traumatized by the world and the pain that is in each and every one of us. We have been hurt so many times, we have hurt so many times. I feel the pain of others, and it sometimes makes me cry. Much of the time it seems when we hurt people it is totally unintentional, we didn’t mean to say certain things, but they just slip out. My ego came in so strong yesterday. I tried to hide it for about two weeks and finally, after a grilled cheese sandwich, it just went nuts. I was crying, and ranting and I wanted to leave, to go anywhere.

I have felt stifled, my creativity untapped and unused. I’m not having sex, I can’t even talk about that subject here and I’m not doing art, the energy is just eating me up. Yesterday I did some sketching and a bit of painting and that definitely helped a lot.

I have shut myself in my room today and am refusing to leave this morning. I have been out of myself for so long, afraid to open up and be around other people. Really be me. Instead when I’m around others I am me, but closed off, protected, guarded with full fortress. Probably why I like to be alone so much. I have been way to open and hurt so many times as a child, including very early in life when my mother when into depression after my birth. That energy rubbed off on me, a little sensitive being. Why did I choose to come into this life with such trauma?

 I am exhausted, physically and I’m not even sure why. It is this perpetual exhaustion that no amount of sleep can rid me of. My spine has felt weird and uncomfortable, on fire, my eyes are heavy from constant crying the past three days. I have a friend here so deeply sensitive that he can feel my energy shift when I hear footsteps all the way down the hall. For me the approach of people, is fear, is the possibility that I will be hurt. I am in constant flight mode, totally afraid of what will happen. I have been hiding, hiding my sensitive darling self from the world and that’s why I came here. I need to remain focused on my process as I was lost in the process of others here for almost three weeks. Caring about the thoughts and opinions of others was a dangerous trap in which I was reminded that I was feeding myself bad food, bad energy. I just need to love and nurture me for a while so I can be strong enough and full enough to spill over to others. I can only be me.

My good friend here calls me the princess. It’s funny because I told him I feel like royalty, because I know it is my birthright to be part of my father’s kingdom. My task now is to bring that strength into every day and never sway no matter who or what is put in my path. I suppose if I stop struggling, I won’t suffer so much. But then, my ego says, what would be left for me to do if there was no pain or struggle. Maybe, just maybe I could finally be happy! It sounds like a possibility.

Acceptance

Trusting in God's plan that he daily knows and is giving me what's best for me will allow me to accept my life as it is. It allows me to trust that everything that happened in my past was for a greater good, for learning and I am seeing how this acceptance will allow me to forgive myself.

I see the human mind, more so, the ego, has a tendency to judge everything it hears and sees. It's a filter that keeps the mind chattering away when someone is sharing, or we see something. This entire story fills the mind about that person or situation. It's something I'm aiming to let go. I had an exprience the other night where I was just hearing people, and wasn't judging. It felt amazing. Not judging others, I wasn't judging myself. All these things are interlinked. The gentleness and acceptance of myself, hopefully, will allow me to be that way with other people.

Community is causing me to see myself in so many delicate and intricate ways. My relationship to life, people and myself is my relationship to God, to everything. It's all intertwined. Loving myself and God above all else will allow me to accept others. I don't have to try to get others to like me when I am just concerned with how God sees me, because my relationship inwards will reflect how the rest of the wolrd will relate outwardly. Not to say that God won't bring me tests, because he does but what saints didn't face hardship to become a saint.

Time

I have always felt this heavy responsibility, ever since I was a little girl. I think I've been avoiding and hiding from it for years because I never thought I could live up to it. Going against my true nature has been so hard, harder than it could have ever been if I had just let go. But I didn't know how, I was young and just learning. I am accepting, starting to see my mission. I am standing up and becoming responsable, response able. It's not always hard, every day to be in the highest integrity with myself and others, with life, with God. But someone said something to me, imagine that everything, everyone coming to you was an aspect of God, bringing to you something you needed to learn. The responsibility is there, it is letting go and allowing it to manifest. I have seen into the future, I have seen the past, the challenge is just being here now with myself and life and letting it unfold. Not wanting to be somewhere else even though I can imagine myself standing there, in my power, whole and complete. I wonder if that day will come and I will know, this is it, I am here, or if that day has already arrived. The things I did to get to this point were drastic and I have been faced with huge trials and hurdles to arrive at this point, but I'm alive and I am strong. No one can push me out of myself, no one can hurt me anymore, only I have the power to let it affect me. I have power in my connection with the creator, with my father. I believe in love and I know that as I become whole and in love with myself, all good things will come to me. In love, in life.

Clarity

On the train to spiritual community

I’m on the Amtrak train, headed to Ananda, Portland. It’s surreal. I have all my things on this train and a couple boxes on the way. As I sit here, I commit to myself that I will give this 6 months. I will give this a fair chance. I tell myself that I can let go now, this is my chance to finally let go. I will be in a safe place to go deep and to become entranced in the energy. The last few days leaving Vancouver were a whirl of energy, bliss, emotion, transcendence, pain and pleasure. I was so high in God the last few days, every slow opportunity I just close my eyes and get lost in this feeling. No one knows what is going on inside of me, I can’t explain it. Who am I anymore? The way things flowed to get me here, I can’t explain how many miracles and doors opened, everything went smooth, effortless. I am being pulled to this community against my will. My mind questions what the daily routine will entail, will I have the freedom I need to be creative, but really, I don’t even care because I know this is just the outward form of what is inwardly taking place in me right now. I am waking up, and I am about to lose my mind.

Saying goodbye to all my family in friends yesterday, almost entirely in one day, could have been an intense feeling, but the energy was so strong flowing through me, all I felt was bliss. I did receive a call from Jo that made me cry, it was because he made me realize we are truly going our separate ways now. He brought me into my heart and helped me to recognize how much I am letting go. How much I need to let go. I need to go deep into this energy and let go of everything, I need to re-birth. I am a baby and it’s time to learn and start over again. I am making decisions that are good for this being now.

I fucked up a little this past weekend, but maybe it wasn’t entirely a mistake, I was experiencing an old painful habit, but this time, I really saw myself doing it. I guess that is a big step in the right direction. Being inside myself is very important and not letting the energy of other’s effect or throw me off. It’s a very big lesson. I’m not sure but I have a feeling the month of April is going to be quite intense energetically. March was incredibly powerful and full of growth, wasn’t it. I am starting to see people with deep compassion and sometimes I want to cry when I see how innocent people really are, just children. We have all made a very brave pact to the universe to be here on earth right now in time. It’s a very brave thing and each soul deserves respect. It doesn’t mean we have to hang out with those who are choosing chaos, but we can honor them in our own way.

What is in store for this little medicine woman. I have a feeling that letting go is going to allow me more than I have ever received before. I am afraid. I have to be honest, to let go of the world. I see that now, I can’t lie. I wonder what I will do if I don’t make movies. Can I just go a couple months and forget everything and just dive deep into the energy, the breath. This feeling in my heart is so intense and I met someone else this weekend who is at the exact similar place. He is very successful in the world at what he does but he has finally the pull to let it all go and go to a remote area to just be in the energy. He is feeling it is time to let go of the world. This is happening right now, there is something very big happening on our planet that I can’t full grasp but I feel the energy, and I must respond. It’s a fiery feeling in my heart, it’s fierce and is growing in intensity. I’m afraid what will come out of me if I surrender. I am afraid what will happen if I let go. Will I go insane?

 There are some very ugly patterns the ego has and they seem to be presenting themselves very clearly lately. If this is what I am afraid to let go of then then that is actually the insanity. Fear is not real, the fear is my challenge, my test. I feel my body shutting down sometimes, like it wants to go into sleep mode, I feel this is how my body is handling the universal energy that is being downloaded. The Pleaidians say to be in tune with our emotion and our body, if we feel tired, we need to follow that feeling and let the vessel rest.