Coming clean

I'm going to be really honest. It has been an absolute shit storm of tests and tribulations the last
10 days approximately. These sun flares and mercury retrograde, have reaked all kinds of physical, material and emotional habit in my life.

It seems like past week all kinds of old struggles and beliefs were really presenting themselves in a very, very strong way. Like this old belief I have of being in survival mode. So many times as I kid I felt a lack, like I never had enough. So it left me always feeling like I needed something. It really came in strong last week and not having enough was incredibly painful, I totally went into this cloud where I couldn't even see what was happening. I was just in that survival mode. I feel like that is a very old belief system from my parent's parents and that paradigm is no longer valid. I am thriving, not surviving. I feel that with the sun flares and all this other shit going on in the universe, this is a kind of cleansing that is happening. Suffering can be my greatest salvation if I learn from it.
I am complete today with Vancouver and the city. I completed my business course and wrote a 20 page business plan which I presented to my biz course yesterday. I came back to Vancouver because I had some unfinished business and I felt like I needed more skills to be successful at what I do. It's been almost 8 months since I left the Philippines, in that time I went to the Art Institute for 1 semester and completed a business course. I would say that I'm pretty happy with what I've done. It was one of the hardest and most intense winter's of my life that's for sure. I thought 2011 was full of growth. 2012 is a big freakin year. So much has transpired for me since January it's actually insane.

Today I decided to take a day out and just rest. A great sage, Lahiri Mahasaya said that one day a month we should take an entire day to just rest. The Western world doesn't seem to really do this until they get sick. It's like we actually make ourselves sick just so we can rest. Better to do it consciously. Today, I ate cookies (gluten free), I walked around, I watched Youtube movies and I had a nap. It was surprisingly difficult to let myself do nothing. I felt guilt because the sun was out and I was lying on the couch eating superfoods by the handfulls and surfing the nest. I was feeling this heaviness and finally I decided to go for a walk. Well, these days it's not even deciding, it's like I hear the voice of my guides and I choose to listen or I choose what I want. Usually what they want for me is way better. I went for my walk and I started to cry as I walked. I realized again, that I had been surpressing myself by being too busy with life. Too busy doing. That's what I needed, a break from doing so I could be present and go back to my heart. Life can be so precious and beautiful but we need to take the time out to feel that.

I got so much joy today just from looking at the cherry blossoms that are sprouting. It reminded me that we are almost over this long, dark, inward time. The days are getting longer and the sun came through the clouds today, the air even felt warm for a bit. We have crossed the dark point and we are headed somewhere lighter. We must be prepared inwardly for what is close to come.

For those of you who don't know. I am leaving Vancouver again soon. I am moving out to the countryside of Oregon to live and serve within an intentional community. I am uncertain how long my journey in life will have me there, but for now, that will be my home. I am very happy and feel that a life long desire is finally being answered. It will hold it's challenges I'm sure, but I will be in an environment that is supportive to my growth process. We are all doing the best we can and I feel like my biggest blessing lately is the ability to forgive. To ask forgiveness from my father when I do things wrong, to forgive my brothers and sisters and most sacred, forgive my beautiful soul self.

I know now that everything is ok. It's ok, it's ok. All I need to do is slow down and feel that.

I love you my brothers and sisters

C