I never felt part of a group...

I have never felt a part of a group. I have been walking in the Native American way for four years now and being the only white person everywhere I went always made me feel in part, isolated.  Then, I fell in love and moved to the Philippines, where once again I was the minority, but even more so, I was one of the two only white people in my town. Once again, I was isolating myself, still feeling somewhat left out because of the roots those around me had with the land, their family, the language, the food.  Once again, I sat with myself this evening, with some beautiful folks from the Santo Daime church of Brazil. Mostly everyone there speaks farse or Portugese. As I sat meditating I looked at my situation and wondered what it was amongst my own culture I wasn’t facing or hiding from. What was it in myself or the white culture that I just didn’t want to look at. Well, partly, it’s because white people don’t have a tribe. Our tribe involves us, our family and everyone else is considered separate or outside. We stick to ourselves, we look out for ourselves and everyone else, is just, well, separate.

 When I was a teenager I was  best friends with a black girl named Ashley and I was always hanging out at her family’s house. I became part of the family. One white girl amongst a large family from St. Vincents in Jamaica. I was accepted as one of them, but still, I was white. I have been avoiding looking and accepting the white culture because I have looked upon it with great judgement. But recently, I was called to my tribe. I was taking for granted that my tribe meditates, and we have the teachings of our Master, Paramahansa Yogananda and the other gurus.

 I stopped writing on my blog recently because I became afraid of the responsibility of what you put out into the world and into people’s minds. When I sat one time, I felt the importance and significance in only spreading the highest vibration. Last time I looked, over 7,000 have read my blog over the past few months. I started this thing as something to keep me busy on the rainy, lonely days I was feeling in Palawan when I had no other white people to talk to. The very people I was running from.

Recently I have had a major shift in my thinking and consciousness. The city life is no longer for me. I know I’ve said this before, but I am actually leaving now, soon. There is a big shift coming, mother earth is waking up and some major things are going to come about. Maybe even as soon as this year. The only way to get through this in a harmonious and good way, is to join together in community. This is why I have to leave. The call of the spirit is finally there and I am free flowing and following it where it takes me. It’ s kind of intense to feel so ungrounded to anything, people, places, things but I am re-birthing.  I have arrived. My eyes are open and I can feel again. I can feel and look at things and not be afraid I am going to feel attached. I think I have been walking around for years, trying not to see or feel so I wouldn’t fall in love with everything and everyone because it’s all so special and beautiful. This type of non-discrimination has got me in trouble and I have finally learnt. To keep my energy inside, to keep my connecting to God strong no matter who is around or what’s going on. It is really the moment of truth for me and I have chosen above all else to let my will go and follow this will of God’s. The Great Spirit has a bigger and better plan and I am seeing with my own eyes, when I let go, that everything is provided for me greater than I can imagine.

After the Santo Daime ceremony, in which they use the medicine, called Daime which is the sacred Ayahusca, my life shifted in many ways, unimaginable. Every aspect of my being has been changed, transformed and illuminated. I didn’t know where I was going to live the day I came home but I wasn’t worried. My good friend, picked me up, showed me a beautiful room in Lynn Valley amongst the river and trees, we picked up my stuff and creator paid the bill. Here I am. Ten days from now, I move again. Until, next month, I am gone. My dharma, my duty in life is coming alive. I am becoming myself which is my chief mission, to wake up and awaken others. This beautiful mission I have been given. I realized that the path of meditation is slow and steady, slower and in smaller doses but it builds, like a healthy immunity in the body. Until so much is built up, that the darkness cannot remain. I have been scared to express my joy and happiness. Maybe partly because I judged others, maybe in part to all those who felt jealous or were judging me. I am a sensitive being, we all are and we feel when we are judged, and it hurts others  unconsciously when we judged them. Let us ask forgiveness from the father for the past and ask to move forward. We are his children and we deserve to enter the eternal kingdom.

There is a reason I was given the path of meditation, in part, it keeps me on earth. When I take medicines, I want to stay on the spirit plane sometimes, because it’s like being directly connected to God for hours at a time, it’s to experience our true nature, which is bliss and love. But there is a tendency to want to stay, which is not bad, but it must be sustained and brought into the world. Life is full of beauty in every path and every color petal and it is okay for me to look but not to have to pick every flower I see. Smile at it, smell it, walk past it and keep enjoying the beauty. There must be a home to come to and maybe there is a reason I was born white this time around. If I wasn’t maybe I would belong somewhere else. I love the Native American church, I love Santo Daime, I love Ma-I and Inner Dance, I love all paths and all true religions that lead to God and Self Realization. But to choose one tradition and tribe makes you belong to something, it gives you something to hold onto, to be a part of and work at. I was chosen by Master and there I will always look for his smiling face wherever I go