I am allowed to vent sometimes too

Problem loading page. Problem loading u mother f****r.

I am having trouble connecting to the world wide web.

I just don’t seem to be connecting with other very well. Other than myself.

I am lonely yet I seek to isolate myself. There are people all around me and I feel lonely. I am invited to take a sailing trip with my partner and two friends and instead, I stay home for four days in an empty house on an isolated island. I have no internet, no cell phone reception and no long distance phone card to call home.

Why am I always seeking to put myself in these types of situations?

It’s funny because watching myself type these words is almost like a joke. It’s kinda eerie because I`m watching this person type and I`m like who is running my life.
My fears, my worries, my ego, my closed heart or God

Is he not all things, the light and the dark. Is even my most darkest and disgusting qualities all part of the grand scheme of this twisted little drama I am playing out.

Was it a smart move to stay home and face myself. To turn off the music and the TV like I am always yelling at Jo to do and look at myself. Face myself. How many people in this world right now actually are brave enough to face themselves. Well I would say not many because 90% of my life is focused on spiritual pursuits and I am barely able to muster the courage to spend four days in complete solitude. Maybe I prayed for this, maybe I asked for this. Today I tried to get things done, hear that, tried. The universe stopped me dead in my tracks. Nope it said, your not gonna do that, your gonna do this and if you don’t start listening to my gentle advice I`m gonna have to twist your arm so you will listen. I did the exact stupid and dumb thing Jo did yesterday and then I made him feel bad about it. I left the house, forgot my wallet, arrived at Marina Gardens to check my e-mail and the electricity was off and the internet down. Exact same thing that happened yesterday. Jo and I were having an intimate moment, talking and sharing and he decided he needed to check his e-mail before nightfall. We take a boat across, we arrive at the restaurant, no money, so he bikes to town, borrows some from his parents employees, comes back and the net is down. I`m bummed because I`m like a waste of my fucking time. This kid is so out of tune, I must leave him because I am so in tune. Bam, same fuckin thing happens to me today. Ok so there is something I am not facing, because the universe is forcing me to look at myself. No wallet in town today meant that I couldn’t buy any phone cards, or internet minutes which means I have ZERO communication out here. Maybe before I am able to learn how to communicate with others, I must be able to learnt to communicate with myself. Aha there is the key. If I can`t listen to myself and the still voice within, how am I supposed to be able to acknowledge, care for or hear those who are speaking to me or coming to me for help.