Here is a bunch of students and I from the Ananda College back in June presenting in LA about our experience with Vedic education and how our dharma fits in with that.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Thursday, October 17, 2013
My karma
The words to describe my karma are: really fast, intense and quick.
It seems I am an extremist of sorts and it also seems to play out with my karma.
I live in an ashram. I own nothing. I live in the city. I own a store.
I have nothing. I have everything.
I lay on the beach in the Philippines and do sadhana for 6 hours a day. I'm in the US working 7 days a week.
I live in the countryside of Oregon as a nun. I'm living in LA wheeling and dealing. Haha
I'm not sure but I have always sort of lived life intensely. I think I get bored easily.
It's interesting karma that Master has brought me to LA, to southern California. But I do feel that my vibration attracted me here. Somehow I have denied for years wanting to live here. Not feeling like I was ready or if it was for me. Master tricked me into coming here. For how long, who knows? It's only been over a week that I have arrived here and I'm already getting anxiety that I haven't started a company yet. That's what I do. I start companies. I have already had 2 formally incorporated companies and 2 informal companies of my own and I am not even 30. It's really what I love to do besides meditating. It's also the only way I know how to make money. I've never really been able to figure out the art of having "a job". But maybe it's all for the good. Business for me and the art of "making it" really attracts me. It gives me something to direct my focus and energy too. That's why I love to make movie. It's directing and focusing energy to achieve a certain goal and tangible outcome.Besides the pursuit of God, Yogananda said the art of making money dharmically is the next most worthwhile goal.
I have always felt compelled to make a success of this life with some noble activity or business that can help mankind achieve greater connection with God and himself. I think those "men" that I want to help on a global level are children. I love children but I don't have any of my own. I'm not sure if I ever will?
I particularly love being around kids because they are real.
They are beyond pretense, close mindedness and stubbornness that you see so commonly with adults.
Anyhow I am feeling good about the possibility of dreaming and seeing a future full of goodness. It seems that after 29 years of struggle and agony, my dharma is finally becoming clear. Thank the lord. I think this is in a large part why I have not felt fully happy. I need to be fulfilling my dharma. Which is the reason why God sent me here. He has a very specific purpose for me and for us. And when we find that, we feel fulfilled, content, happy. Even if there is not a lot of money in it, wealth in and of itself means nothing even Yogananda said it. But that will come too, I know it will when I am in line with what I love to do and I'm focused on giving much more than taking.
Ananda has been a great disciplined path for me to learn about giving and offering myself, It's been intense and can get out of hand sometimes, but all in all, better to go all the way one way, and then at least you can swing back to the middle again. You see, again with the extremes! Ok, soo tired now, goodnight.
Ommmmmmmm
It seems I am an extremist of sorts and it also seems to play out with my karma.
I live in an ashram. I own nothing. I live in the city. I own a store.
I have nothing. I have everything.
I lay on the beach in the Philippines and do sadhana for 6 hours a day. I'm in the US working 7 days a week.
I live in the countryside of Oregon as a nun. I'm living in LA wheeling and dealing. Haha
I'm not sure but I have always sort of lived life intensely. I think I get bored easily.
It's interesting karma that Master has brought me to LA, to southern California. But I do feel that my vibration attracted me here. Somehow I have denied for years wanting to live here. Not feeling like I was ready or if it was for me. Master tricked me into coming here. For how long, who knows? It's only been over a week that I have arrived here and I'm already getting anxiety that I haven't started a company yet. That's what I do. I start companies. I have already had 2 formally incorporated companies and 2 informal companies of my own and I am not even 30. It's really what I love to do besides meditating. It's also the only way I know how to make money. I've never really been able to figure out the art of having "a job". But maybe it's all for the good. Business for me and the art of "making it" really attracts me. It gives me something to direct my focus and energy too. That's why I love to make movie. It's directing and focusing energy to achieve a certain goal and tangible outcome.Besides the pursuit of God, Yogananda said the art of making money dharmically is the next most worthwhile goal.
I have always felt compelled to make a success of this life with some noble activity or business that can help mankind achieve greater connection with God and himself. I think those "men" that I want to help on a global level are children. I love children but I don't have any of my own. I'm not sure if I ever will?
I particularly love being around kids because they are real.
They are beyond pretense, close mindedness and stubbornness that you see so commonly with adults.
Anyhow I am feeling good about the possibility of dreaming and seeing a future full of goodness. It seems that after 29 years of struggle and agony, my dharma is finally becoming clear. Thank the lord. I think this is in a large part why I have not felt fully happy. I need to be fulfilling my dharma. Which is the reason why God sent me here. He has a very specific purpose for me and for us. And when we find that, we feel fulfilled, content, happy. Even if there is not a lot of money in it, wealth in and of itself means nothing even Yogananda said it. But that will come too, I know it will when I am in line with what I love to do and I'm focused on giving much more than taking.
Ananda has been a great disciplined path for me to learn about giving and offering myself, It's been intense and can get out of hand sometimes, but all in all, better to go all the way one way, and then at least you can swing back to the middle again. You see, again with the extremes! Ok, soo tired now, goodnight.
Ommmmmmmm
Friday, October 11, 2013
Tues, April 23rd (3rd day after Swamiji’s passing)
Something big happened last night as I was sitting front
seat at the front of the temple for Swamiji’s commemoration ceremony. As I watched the flower procession carry on,
I felt completely raw and exposed. I felt disgusted at what I saw. Human
beings, attachment to one another, to love, to marriage, old age, diseased old
saggy bodies, decomposing as we speak. I could barely stand to look. I am
disgusted by the ego right now. By my own and by others. I feel like I
absolutely want to serve and give everything to Swamiji but I am so conflicted
because I don’t know how much to give, what to do at what time. Can I give 24/7? I want to but I am
absolutely exhausted mentally but more so physically. DO I sleep in and rest
the body for a day? But then I miss a day of being and feeling in tune. Am I
feeling in tune right now? Well, no. Because I feel sad. I feel sad and
distraught over loosing Swamiji. I haven’t been honoring people. I haven’t been
cherishing them or making them feel important. I haven’t felt loved or
important. I know people look up to me. It would help to be kind. It’s hard
sometimes. I get too comfortable.
FInding Happiness
Did anyone else weep when they watched the movie "Finding Happiness"? The movie about Ananda village and Swami Kriyananda's deep attunment to Yogananda's vision for creating world brotherhood communities.I have seen it twice now and it's a good thing I was alone the second time because I wept like a baby.
Since Swamiji's passing in April there has been a nearness, a closeness and a love that I didn't feel the same way as I do now. It has been tough in many regards since Swamiji left because it has forced me to look honestly and truthfully at my life and actions. Who Swami Kriyananda was only came clear to me after his passing as I have heard happens to many of us after a loved one departs. Why do we wait to explore the potential or to appreciate and be open to the love and gift each one of us is. My biggest regret is not following him more fully when I had the chance. And not living more fully in joy. For the sadness and denial of joy causes the happy experiences to be negated and blocked out There is always the NOW and as soon as I stop crying over my lost Swami, I can begin to help again.
Since Swamiji's passing in April there has been a nearness, a closeness and a love that I didn't feel the same way as I do now. It has been tough in many regards since Swamiji left because it has forced me to look honestly and truthfully at my life and actions. Who Swami Kriyananda was only came clear to me after his passing as I have heard happens to many of us after a loved one departs. Why do we wait to explore the potential or to appreciate and be open to the love and gift each one of us is. My biggest regret is not following him more fully when I had the chance. And not living more fully in joy. For the sadness and denial of joy causes the happy experiences to be negated and blocked out There is always the NOW and as soon as I stop crying over my lost Swami, I can begin to help again.
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