Remember who you are

I am an angel. A being from the stars.

The mud that surrounds me temporarily makes me forget from time to time.

I wandered through the city today, alone, feeling very lost.

I didn't know which way I should go and I felt trapped.

I was in tears on the sidewalk, my shades hiding my soul from the world.

My grandmother came in to my room this morning and scolded me for practicing yoga, for having an altar, for honoring "buddha or those guru's" as she called them.

I left her home quickly feeling I needed to get away.

My only place of refuge from the world and even that was pulled out from under me.
It was so overwhelming in the city today, I just wanted to be alone.
As I rode the skytrain I starred longingly at the snow capped mountains in the distance. I wanted to go there today, to go there to be in nature, even just to North Vancouver. Anywhere I could just be alone and cry.

Last night I had such a deep awakening. I sat up in meditation till 2am feeling the divine, feeling the awakening that was taking place within the deepest parts of my being. The subtle pains and past were healing and releasing from the light that was pouring through me.
I had streams of realizations, about the past, about having a closed heart and how shut down I have been to people and God. How I could have a more open life if I just surrendered.

I felt alone in the city today, without a cell phone or a good pair of shoes.
I felt insecure and I missed my friends.
Master was pushing me to go inwards.
I treated myself out to lunch and tried my hardest to enjoy it.
I walked around Trout Lake and practiced the Inner Dance movements.
I went to the beach, watched the waves and the storm clouds roll in off the mountains. I walked to the meditation chapel in the rain and it must have taken over an hour. I didn't mind at all and felt how God was training me to feel that my home is inside.

I decided to give up everything today. All I have been striving for, everything I have been "trying" to make happen. I don't want to force anything anymore, I don't even want to do a thing. Rather, I want to let things happen and I want to receive graciously what may come. I want spirit to flow through me.

After the two hour meditation tonight, I realized that the loneliness and pain I felt today were a construction of the mind. I was having difficulty enjoying just being, walking, eating, relaxing because I felt that I wasn't "doing" something or being productive. I see that when I am content in just being, the mind can relax and things can flow more easily. Today was a beautiful day and I was not alone at all, in fact I had 100,000 angels by my side.