We are God's dolls

In the divine play - we are God's playthings

The night I had this dream I was sleeping alone in bed. Jo was sleeping in his mom's vacant room, on the other side of the resort. He had been in there locked up and alone, not talking for two days and at this point I didn't know what was wrong. He wasn't eating and he was angry, very angry. I didn't know if it had to do with me but I felt hurt as he wasn't speaking to me at all. We were almost a year into our relationship at this point and this felt like the worst thing that had ever happened to us.

Finally I got the courage to go knock on his door and ask him what was wrong. I felt maybe it would be best to give him space but I just couldn't stand it any longer. He let me in the door and slowly, he began to open up. He tells me he is hurt and says he is uncomfortable around me. He feels judged about his appearance, he feels bad, depressed and just plain turned off and doesn't even want to look at me. I am a little stunned but he goes on to tell me he has felt compared all his life as a boy by his mother and not accepted by his family. I am open to listening without judgment and accept what he has to say. When he is done I leave, deciding it is in fact best to give him his space to work things out. I accepted much of the blame for his feelings of insecurity although it was fairly clear at the time, that the issue was much deeper. I had compassion but maybe too much by accepting responsibility for his emotions. Finally, clarity allowed me to be removed and see the issue a bit more clearly than I usually would have.

I enter my room and look in the mirror and suddenly this huge lightness fills my being, I feel almost overjoyed. A sudden contrast from my recent and heavy interaction with Jo. "I'm pregnant", I hear the words so strongly in my mind it's almost as if someone has said it aloud. I know it and I feel it, something is different with me.

Jo suddenly enters the room in the very next moment, uses the bathroom and comes out to grab something before heading for the door. I can barely contain myself I am so excited and scared about this idea, but it's like I know.  Something is different, I feel a presence with me. What else could it be?
"I think I'm pregnant", I say as he is about to leave. Bad timing. He tells me he doesn't want a child, he is not ready and is angry and upset. He goes back to his cave and stays there for another day and a half.

I set up my bug net as I nestle myself into bed for the night. I am feeling very, very lonely alone in our bed.
I am sad and confused, being in this foreign country and my closest friend, who now feels so far away.
I have no one to talk to and I can't call back home because everyone is asleep.
I finally drift off to sleep and I dream.

The Sacred Dream:

A girl and a young man are in love. They are laying together on a hillside in an old graveyard that is covered in lush grass. The couple is laying on a blanket together and acting very sweet and innocent teasing one another. The girl is pulling away joking with the boy as he tries to kiss her. Finally, she leans in as if to kiss him but at the last minute pulls away smiling. The girl is very simple and pure, she is not wearing make-up and wears very simple clothing. The boy loves her very much and their love is pure, deep and real.

Suddenly, another young woman the same age, approaches the boy and the girl. As she approaches she cannot see the young girl, concealed behind the hill. She glimpses the boy and approaches fast, recognizing him. The girl arrives, telling him she has been looking all over for him, that her family is about to leave and she has wanted to say goodbye. The boy stands up,  the girl's family is waiting for her at the gate. This strange and very superficial looking girl leans in trying to embrace the boy, trying to kiss him with her red made up lips. The boy pulls back, un-wanting of the affection being directed towards him. She makes one last attempt to kiss him and when he denies her, she waves, turns and leaves.

As the boy turns to go back to his beloved, he notices a wolf standing nearby, staring at him. The wolf finally looks away and walks away silently, the boy follows. After a short distance, the wolf stops at a fence and the boy sees why. Attached to the fence is a bouquet of flowers. The wolf gives a glance and putting his furry head into the air, bites onto the dangling string that is holding the flowers to the fence. The bouquet falls to the ground in front of the boy. The wolf looks at it and walks away. The boy intuitively knows that these flowers are for his beloved.  He takes them and runs to the hillside where his beloved is awaiting him. He is excited and looks forward to a sweet kiss from her. He runs to the hill but when he arrives the blanket is empty, she is gone. He calls out to her, searching and looking everywhere but he cannot find any trace of her.

Finally, he looks over to the beach which is not far and sees someone.
A little boy, two or three years old, with blond hair and  blue shorts is standing there on the shore alone.
The toddler holds a little girl doll by the arm as he walks along the shore towards the park.
When he gets to the grassy park he sees a little boy doll laying on the ground. He picks it up  and walks away with the two dolls, the boy doll and the girl doll, one in each arm.

The young man watching immediately understands as he is being carried away with the boy.
"We are God's dolls", he hears in his mind.
This is God and we are his dolls.

I awoke and immediately and wrote this in my journal :

We get so caught up in our own little drama but when God takes our beloved away
it's because God wants to play with them. It's his world and so we must surrender to the will
that he wants for us.

God was telling me I didn't need to be sad or worry about Jo, he was being taken care of. God has Jo in his arms and he was playing with him, working with him and healing him. I had so much peace descend on me when I awoke that night,  the loud bass music from the next door club didn't even bother me. My heart was at peace and I felt overjoyed. The next day, Jo did come around. He found his peace on his own with God and so did I.

**Funny enough, our closest friends from El Nido, a Swiss couple stopped by last night. "Guess what", Diego say while trying to conceal a huge smile, "Virginie is pregnant".  All I could do was look at Jo, wide eyed and smile. Turns out it was not even I who was pregnant,  I simply had felt the presence of their new child and thought it was me who had conceived.