What is a girl like me, 29-years-old and alone, doing blogging on a Friday night?
This is my life.There is not much to say to describe the kind of lifestyle I am currently living.
I was talking to my friend Steve tonight and he asked me what kind of work I am thinking of doing now that I am back in Vancouver. I thought about it for a moment and replied honestly, "whatever God wants me to do". This was an honest answer as I knew Steve would understand. We both grew up in a similar way and after knowing one another for the past 18 years I knew my honesty wouldn't phase him.
We came from a similar upbringing. Middle class suburbia except we were both a little on the lower class side as far as an assessment of our families financial bracket. Both of our parents wanted us to have a decent life, so although they struggled, we lived in a decent area. There was a lot of drama growing up all around and Steve and I both being the oldest children in our families, we found similar ways to cope. These days kids have all kinds of coping mechanisms but for us there was only one or two choices: death or drugs. Both seemed appealing but at the tough age of 14-15 drugs were readily available so we opted for that and for 5 bucks, you could easily get a joint which would wash away many sorrows for one evening. Steve and I both seemed to have the brunt of things as far as the family problems were concerned and when your parents are going through all kinds of marital problems, it seems that the oldest children can become somewhat of a therapist rather than a child. Anyhow, I am surprised I got through it all and came out sane (somewhat). Steve reminded me of how everytime he would see me I would be high on some kind of hallucinogenic. He didn't like them as much as me because he said, he liked to be in control of his drugs. That was precisely why I chose hallucinogens, because I went to another world entirely. I was also kind of a hippie in my own way, closing the door and listening to my Led Zepplin and Pink Floyd records for hours while staring at the ceiling and imaging (or seeing) myself floating through space. Steve on the other hand went down a darker door and got into the hard drugs which generally become more addictive. 15 years later, he is finally weaning himself off. I got lucky and quit drugs and alcohol around the age of 23 or 24.
But the thing that Steve and I both have in common is that we both came out believing in God.
For Steve, it took the loss of his wife and for me it took the loss of everything stable in my life (including loved ones, home, partnership etc.). Thank you Saturn. I say this because both Steve and I are close to the age of 30 and Saturn's return is a powerful time when the old gets washed out for the new.
The thing that really strikes me about Steve is though he has very little, he always trusts and never worries that God will provide. He doesn't have a college degree, or lots of money, or a car, or a full time job or very many "social skills" but he just trusts that God provides. And he does.
Today Steve asked me what I was planning to do next. And I told him. I told him because I knew he wouldn't call me crazy or judge me. Instead he plainly asked me, "how can I help". This was something that was very comforting to hear because so much when leading a God centered life, there is room for judgement from someone looking in. Things don't always seem "practical" to say the least.
"What do you mean your planning to go to India and to work for a school that is not for profit". A lot of God's ideas sometimes really seem out of the blue but never have I found them to stray me wrong. The other day I got a flash of insight so clear for an action I should take. That makes no sense whatsoever I told myself. I'm not going to do that, I just can't. Plus, I wanted to wait it out and see if anything would happen if I didn't follow it. I wanted to test my intuition. It was spot on. Approx 10 minutes after the intuition came, a phone call came in leaving me wishing I had taken that action immediately. Oh well. Instead of being hard on myself, I take it to mean that I was learning how to hear my intuition and cut past the bs of my mind. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference right?
So why am I at home on a Friday night instead of out with my brother at the party downtown? Because I am partied out. I partied for years and it left me in a place where I am more than content to read a spiritual book on a Friday night and stay in. I have put in my time on the playing field and now I am content to settle in more so of just enjoying what my soul enjoys. Simple pleasures. It doesn't mean I don't have fun. I do. I just have fun in a new way that is more true to who I am. I don't give a shit anymore what looks cool to others, if it feels right inside, that's what I choose to follow now. And slowly by slowly, I am coping with life in new and braver ways. It's a lot of fun to accept and deal with life than to try and hide from it. Actually it's amazing. Because no matter what comes I know I can handle and all this was possible because I went to hell and back and now I am standing.
So if you doubt, or are going through hell I tell you this. You will come out. I did, anyone can. And I am a lot happier for it. Because all of it made me who I am.
Om Peace Amen
