I did not think that I doubted. I did not understand that doubting meant that I didn't believe that every moment of everyday, he is with me. He is with me right now.
All the moments that I prayed and heard no response, my doubts blocked the answers from coming. When I felt sad because I was lonely, I was doubting that God was there comforting me.
I mean he was there all along, is there, has been there all along. I love him.
For those of us who doubt I must share my experience.
I was in Encinitas for a couple days after New Years. I went down to recharge.
Sometimes, I just get the call to go down there and be alone. It’s been one of the many perks of living here in LA.
It was the day after New Year's and I went down to recharge and then a day later I was packed and ready to head back to LA. It was a gorgeous day in Encinitas and I was biking down to the train station ready to leave, when the call came in.
“Why don’t you stay one more day," this small voice inside, said.
I was 2 minutes from the train, all my stuff packed with me.
The voice came again: “You can read, write, meditate on the beach and get clear about this New Year”. My voice then replied to this little voice, “but I don’t have the time to laze around on the beach, I have work to do. And I only budgeted for two days and I have no place to stay. Plus, I WANT to get home and work”!
The voice stopped.
Ok, I thought, how about we go to the beach for 15 minutes before the train leaves and then we can read and meditate. So I went over to the beach, which was across from the train and I read a few pages from Swami Kriyananda’s book on community and I wrote down a few thoughts.
Then, feeling complete, I rode my bike back over to the train.
I bought my ticket for the Amtrak with my last 30 bucks and went down to the waiting area.
I was waiting there feeling really blissful like a child, just this lightness. Joy. Just from being.
The loudspeaker suddenly anounces, “train will be 30 minutes late”. I laugh to myself. Ok, no problem, I can handle this, I'm cool and calm, even minded. Oh, I think to myself, that must have been why Master was telling me to take my time so I could have been sitting at the beach relaxing right now.
More time passes and the train finally shows up. I have my bike and I’m all ready to get on.
The train conductor stops me.
“Do you have a reservation for that bike”? She asks.
I didn’t even know you had to make a reservation. I tell her.
“Well I’m sorry, you can’t get on tis train without a reservation”.
"Well I just spent close to an hour waiting here for this train and in fact, I was even early." I'm starting to get a little irritated. I'm getting on this damn train. I protest. She protests back. "You can get on this train," she tells me, "but you're bike gonna have to stay"!
The doors close and the train starts to leave. What can I do? I curse.
I’m pretty out of my center. I storm up to the desk and tell the ticket officer what happened. No one told me and on and on I go.
Here’s the thing, it’s like 1pm on Friday and I want to get back to LA before traffic and the dark kicks in. I have learnt my lesson and do not go out after dark alone in Los Angeles anymore. Ok. I calm down and realize that I totally lost my **** and I re-group. Ok no problem.
I will take the 3:26 from oceanside, it’s just a short bus away. I can now go lay on the beach for a couple hours until the next train and enjoy myself. Again, I go back to the ocean.
I continue to ignore a small voice in my head saying stay, stay in Encinitas.
I rationalize that’s it’s my evasive nature trying to continue a vacation when it’s really time to get back to work. So I’m laying on the beach for a couple more hours. I love it. I eat my lunch, I meditate, I run a bit. I watch little girls play in the sand together while their father teaches them to surf. It’s sunny, I’m tanned, I’m happy. The time comes to go back to the train station and this time to get a ticket to Oceanside and then take another train to reach LA late but not that late.
I get on the train to Oceanside on time. Things feel good but I start to get this feeling I’m supposed to stay. It’s really strong. I feel a little queasy. Like I'm ignoring something.
But, here’s the thing, where am I going to stay I ask myself? I have nowhere to go and I’m practically out of money. MY mind is in the way. I can't even hear. The feeling doesn’t stop. The next train stop is Encinitas, back to exactly where I was this morning after hours of these crazy delays.
My phone rings, it’s a text from Magali, a friend from SRF.
“Enjoy the celebrations for Guruji's birthday this weekend”, she says.
My heart sinks. I had completely forgotten that this weekend was Yogananda's birthday weekend and here I am leaving the heart of Yogananda’s work in Encinitas. For what? To go work at home...
The train doors are wide open, and they seem to stay that way for a long time. And my mind clearly forms this thought: "Sorry God, not this time. I have to get home”. Last call for Encinitas the conductor calls out. I sit still and the doors close.
I continue on my way. I have about six minutes until the next train arrives in Oceanside to catch my train to LA. I get off at the stop and run as fast as I can to the other side of the tracks just as my train pulls away.
"You've got be kidding me"!
I ask a girl who is waiting there “Was that the train to LA?”
Yes she tells me but the next train and last one for the night will be coming in approx 15 minutes.
I relax. I am determined.
I ignored all signs and signals.
So I waited and waited and waited. It was like half an hour and the train wasn’t coming.
The conductor comes out and announces: “there will be a 1 to 3 hour delay for the last train, and we don’t know it's current status”. This is just messed up. I look around as if I'm in some kind of twilight zone. Wow, there is something weird going on and all these other weird people are in the same situation as me. What did they do?
I wasn’t giving up.
I call Amtrak and then Metrolink, I find out details, the connections that could be made. You name it. Every person in the station is now asking me about the options for LA.
I was getting to LA, tonight!
I'm sitting on the curb. Totally confused as to what to do next. Do I go home to LA and arrive around 10pm-midnight at this point. Do I try and find a place to stay in Encinitas before dark. The sun is very close to setting at this point. My phone is close to dying at this point and I have to make a move from this curb I'm on. I decide to call Magali, my friend in Encinitas and tell her my situation.
“ I will come pick you up and then you can come to the 6 hour meditation tomorrow for Guruji’s birthday. It's meant to be Clarity, don't you see Guruji is keeping you here. Isn't it great”!
I hang up. Not literally on her, but I need a moment to think. Right then, a girl, a total stranger comes up to me and offers me a ride right to my house in LA in her car ??? At the same moment, the train conductor announces the Amtrak will get us all on a chartered train free of charge directly to LA. All this after 2 hours of waiting. I pause for a moment and know right away the right thing to do. I thank the girl and tell her no thanks, that I'm going back to Encinitas. I let the Amtrak offer go by. I get on the next train back to Encinitas. Master wanted me at that meditation. I didn't know why, but I knew that at least.
A little later sitting with Magali in Encinitas waiting for our Pho to come, how was I feeling?
At this point, totally resigned, totally confused, sort of dense like thick, surrendered and completely powerless. I also felt completely calm. This was the right thing and I was surrendering, which is apparently not a strong suit.
Wow, how could I have been so closed off? It was so obvious yet I had had so much resistance. Why? Why because I had other ideas, other plans and I couldn't trust I would be taken care of. I also couldn’t decipher whether my mind was speaking to me or my intuition. Was I really supposed to stay. But why? Why was I supposed to be down here and not up in LA with my Ananda family. I missed them and was really looking forward to getting back. It made NO LOGICAL SENSE to be here.
Later that night a friend of Magali's offered me a place to stay for two nights at $15/night.
Magali was there at 7am the next morning to pick me up. I hadn't had any breakfast because I didn't have anything at the place. Magali had warm tea, prasad, and some protein drinks for us to start the day. I failed to mention I had next to no food money and was even shorter that day having spent most of my remaining money on the train ticket that I had never even gotten to use. I was counting on being back in LA to get some work done to allow for my bank acccount to fill up again. So that morning we headed through the beautiful mountains of San Bernardo towards Escondido where the meditation was being held.
Inwardly I was feeling much more peaceful and ready to see what was in store. My body was calm and soothed from the light breakfast and I had run a bit at sunrise and energized so I was ready to meditate by the time we arrived. Right away it was a challenge, I got one bad look from some old lady while I was energizing and it started the internal struggle. Who the hell was this old lady eyeing me down when I’m just trying to energize, damn old lady, what’s her problem anyways. Oopps, there it was again, the peace, slowly going out. Practice forgiveness, forgive her, you don’t know where she’s been or what’s happened in her life. Pray for her, that she gets help in this meditation and healing in her heart. Ok, I’m ok again. I’m focused.
We get into the chapel and I chose my spot. You know SRF, they place the chairs really close together, and I’m the kind of a person who likes my space. Also I like sitting in lotus or half lotus to meditate. But it’s cozy in here, I can do it.
The head monk, Dharmananda I think his name is, starts to lead us with some practical advice. Man, this guy, he is full of rules, so goes my mind. He is really killin it for me right now with all these rules. I like to do my kriyas loudly and he is basically banning it. Ok Clarity, come on now, he is a channel for Master and a spiritual advisor, here to help. Ok I start to really tune in and he is an incredibly deep soul and his spiritual guidance really helps. His chanting is beautiful, it brings me deep quick. I love to chant!
The hours start to go by. I move, adjust, try not to breathe too loud, try earplugs, then take them out, open my eyes, close them, bump my neighbor, feel like everyone is judging me. Time passes, I smile, I look at the glimmering christmas balls hanging above the christmas tree, I practice watching my breath and on and on the 6 hours go. There is a break after 3 hours and I am interiorized, feeling deep in bliss and this overwhelming feeling comes. I can’t be around any of these people, there is so much that is being brought up so quickly in my being I can hardly stand myself let alone to be with so many others in this little room. This energy, their energy is too much for me and I have 3 more hours to sit beside them. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? I'm panicking. My consciousness is flying as I realize how deep I'm in.
I go outside for the short intermission and I walk a bit. I eat an orange and a banana essentially taken from the fruit offering bowl. People are starting to filter back inside already for the next half of the meditation. I take a deep breath. I feel as if I want to hide, to disappear. Why am I always going through shit?
As I am walking back in, I notice a tiny little room with a small altar, it looks like a kids room.
I can set up in there, I think to myself and then I can be away from eveyone and deal with this stuff that is coming up. It seems perfect.
But suddenly this clear feeling comes to me in a flash of blazing light.
Why change your circumstance to make things better?
Why not just stay where you are and make do with what you have and where you are?
I get this feeling of lightness, like I’m a spiritual giant and my whole body feels up with energy. I don't have to move and adjust or change my circumstance. I can just accept what is and stay still.
This feels like such a simple answer. The way of least resistance.
I am one of the last person's back into the meditation chapel, but I enter as they are chanting. I am in acceptance that I will be close to all of these people. I will make do with my situation.
As I walk over to my meditation spot, I noticed it has moved. Magali has made a place for me in the corner by the window, a man has left and it has cleared up extra room. She has placed a small glass jar of warm water on a beautiful shawl on my place. Master has made me a spot to meditate.
Tears start to pour down my face as we chant Krishna’s name, over and over. I can’t stop crying and I know in these tears that Master in this 6 hour meditation is healing me of something I didn’t even know I needed healing from. Master has me in his arms and is guiding every inch of my life.
The rest of my trip flowed in the same manner. I had all the food I needed, friends piling my hands full of fruit from Hidden Valley, freshly made lunches by devotees, gifts and offerings of love.
I had a government tax check come in and direct deposit to my account. It was the exact amount I needed to be able to pay for my stay and take the train ride home. The ride home to LA was smooth and blissful and everything lined up like clockwork. I even did my kriyas at the train station not caring whether I got on it or not.
This is special and sacred. I love because I love, not because anything or anyone causing the love. I love because I am love, and he is love and I am love and love pours through me and it is everywhere. There is so much ugliness and darkness around, but why look at it?
Why look at the dirt when we can look up at the sun.
I mean, the dirt is beautiful to but you know what I mean. So much awakening since around Christmas time. The Christ consciousness is permeating the ether, the planet.
For those of us who doubt. Know that you are protected and cared for. You are loved!
Even when you feel the most alone, especially in these moments when your best friends forsake you, when you are broke: he is with you. When you are a success, he is beside you. Don't ever worry because even a little of this inward practice of meditation will free you from dire fears and colossal suffering.
Lahiri Mahasaya Jai Guru Jai.
Jai Guru Master, Happy Birthday!
